Should we offer petrol money for daily school run?

[lechatnoir]

I'm in a dilemma about what, if anything, I should offer a friend towards petrol for taking my daughter to and from school every day. On the face of it of course we should contribute, but, we didn't ask and actively not get bus passes due to ridiculous costs (£500 per child) and living what we consider acceptable walking/cycling distance*. DC were expecting to walk or cycle with us doing the odd lift /paying bus fare in bad weather - none particularly wild about the idea but understood & accepted it.

In the first week of term DD's best friend offered the lift & as you can imagine she was delighted - I saw no reason to say no but now feel obliged to contribute. I'm loathe to ask in case she says 'oh great £25 a week should cover it?" but likewise don't want to appear ungrateful as it is much easier for DD.

Should I pay something or just buy a nice thank you gift at Christmas?

*DD goes to furthest away school at 2.3 miles (others 1.4miles) We are roughly en-route to her school but it does require a diversion through a housing estate rather than main road so there is some disruption to their journey.

We've often given regular lifts under the circumstances you have discussed but payment would never be discussed, its always been a case of payment in kind, ie child goes for tea, a gift at Christmas etc. If a lift is requested and other party has to to change their journey, then petrol money should be offered.

So the mum is driving 10 miles a day roughly 5 days a week, I'd definitely be offering £10, saying "we'd like to give you this for the fuel each week...so long as you think that's enough?"...and see what she says.

She may turn it down because their family can afford it, in which case a nice Christmas something would be in order. Or she may accept gratefully (as I would) because fuel and running a car is expensive.

Depending on how you feel about it, it might be nicer as a reciprocation to invite her DD around for tea/play so she gets a break one evening or weekend day. I’d probably make this a monthly thing at least if the child is well-behaved.

As teens get older, they like to do things with people their age. It is always good to repay kindness eg have her for a sleepover, bowling, a trip out or even take her with you on a mini break (presuming the costs are similar for one or the 2 girls). It also could be sometimes giving both girls £10 each to spend in town - of course if you have the money to spare. My dd and her friends loved doing the latter in year 7.

I think your daughter is going to be VERY glad of the lift when the Winter sets in. 2.3 miles in the pissing rain on a bike in the depths of Winter or a nice warm car? I know which I would want. The fact that it is definitely out of her way, she does in day in day out and you have not offered anything at all is a bit mean. I would offer a tenner anyway, the woman is going out of her way to pick up your daughter in the mornings AND in the afternoons, it's manners.

They aren't saving op £500 on bus fares though because OP never had any intention of paying that. The plan was always for the daughter to walk and possibly take the bus on very odd occasions.

If your office charged a 120 pound tea kitty for the year and you decided not to pay it and bring your own coffee in a flask, but someone paid in on your behalf, would you say "oh fair enough thanks for that, here's the money back."
Substitute for someone paying for any item you don't need (and a higher amount) if needed to get the point across!

OP I would speak to them and say "it's really nice if you to give dd a lift but we always expected her to walk or take the bus so please don't feel you have to give her a lift every day, or at all, I understand it might not be convenient."
Then you've told them straight out.
If they do carry on I'd buy a Christmas present as a thank you, but reiterate it's not expected!

Is there a reason you can't have a conversation with the mum? Explain that DD was going to walk as money is tight and that whilst you really appreciate the offer of a lift you cannot contribute financially but as a way of thank you, you would like to have friend over for tea, play dates whatever?

Do you drive? Could you say, offer to do the journey once a week to give the mum a break?

I think you need to offer £10 a week, she will or may not accept it.

Just get her a nice gift at the end of term to say thank you

I have been on both sides of this and when it was my DC getting a lift with someone else I bought the mum several bottles of her favourite booze at Christmas, and offered lifts to her DC at other times when I could manage it. All fine. When it was me doing the lifts for a different DC, I got a couple of nice presents in return. Again all fine. And absolute understanding that no one would be left waiting around or going too far out of their way for someone else's DC, if they weren't there at pick up time, they sorted themselves out. It's been fine all round.

I would be honest with the mum (depending on how comfortable you feel with that) and say something along the lines that you had planned for DD to walk or cycle, and therefore hadn't budgeted for travel costs. You are grateful for the lift but if it's a hassle for her at all, she should feel happy to cancel the arrangement.

Something along those lines. If I were the other mum and had offered, I wouldn't expect payment at all, but it is nice to get some form of acknowledgment/ thanks.

I'd also get DD to buy the other mum a nice Christmas present as she's the one benefitting!

Send some flowers to her house to say thank you and a text to say that the moment it becomes inconvenient your daughter is going to ride to school and be really relaxed the way you say it

I would also invite her daughter over for sleepover and take out or for dinner a few times per term to thank the mum

If you enter into the realm of money it puts you both in an alwwwrd place
I'm sure she wouldn't have offered if she wanted or needed a contribution because that's not the nature of offering a lift

I always drive people around if I can I hate them in the cold or wet, even if it's totally out of my way I help them it cringes me out when I'm in a new warm car and they are at a bus stop x

If she does that, he dd may as well have taken the bus, which op says is not affordable.

If your office charged a 120 pound tea kitty for the year and you decided not to pay it and bring your own coffee in a flask, but someone paid in on your behalf, would you say "oh fair enough thanks for that, here's the money back."
Substitute for someone paying for any item you don't need (and a higher amount) if needed to get the point across

That is not the same thing. You wouldn't not have drank the office tea in the first place. In this case the office tea was drank and the flask was left untouched.

Could your DD have told her friend that you're in financial straits so mum has stepped into help without embarrassed you ?

A better example would be that the office always made up big pots of tea. They could just make enough tea for the people who'd paid the kitty money, but they decided to make up extra so the OP could also have a cup, as they felt bad for her sitting drinking out of her flask.

It's the sort of arrangement that is fine as a once/occasional off, but will get stale quite soon. OP doesn't say how old her DD is, but potentially this arrangement is now in place until she leaves the school. And, as very many threads on MN testify, the friend's parent may not feel that they can take back the lift offer having made it. (So it is definitely on OP to keep checking that there is no issue with the lift).

2.3 miles in the depths of winter is a long way, though, so I am not sure how realistic it would be for your DD to walk five miles almost round trip a day once it gets dark, freezing or raining. Of course the mum with the car is going to offer a lift if she is going that way; who wouldn’t?
I would be offering something in mind at least. Money makes it a bit transactional, rather than something friends do, but it would be nice for the mum to know you are there if she ever needs any kind of help and her DD to be taken out by you or invited over regularly.

*something in kind

Personally, I would either make a serious offer to share the lifts between you, buy a generous gift or treat mid term each term or offer to have friend over for a night and two days of a weekend or half term for a offer to pay £20 or so a week or alternatively stop the lifts and ensure your daughter makes her own way to school.

Tell her to get a job or do chores to earn the money to give to the woman then. JC.

It really may not be an issue for her to take your DD to and from school. My DM used to take my friend who could walk otherwise and her mum tried to offer petrol money but my mum really didn't want it. We did live very close by. Maybe just text or speak to her to ask if she's really okay to continue in the same way. Say you feel like you should be contributing some petrol money. It's good to check but if she declines leave it. You can always treat DD and friend once in a while.

@lechatnoir I’d text again or ask in person something like ‘I know you said you were happy, but it does feel like you didn’t get much choice and we had planned on DC walking/biking with the odd lift because of the cost of the bus. But I do feel uncomfortable that our school is furthest and you go out of your way ‘every day’ so I really want to make sure. If it is OK, could we at least contribute something for the extra distance?’

At least then she will understand you are trying to do the right thing and not taking the mick.

I would but a gift or a voucher for a meal somewhere lovely as a thank you. This is what we have done in the past.

She probably is aware the alternative is your daughter walking, hence offering to take instead, and also why she might not want anything in return. It might also be that she likes to know her daughter has a friend to arrive at school with, it might make the morning more easy and pleasant for the mum to know she's going in happily. I would just talk to the mum.

If you can contribute a little it would nice to but it's quite likely the mum would refuse. I would assume a family was struggling for money if their children had to walk that far to school.