I hate having a baby

[Goldi321]

Please don’t flame me. I have a gorgeous 7.5 month old baby who on the whole is a happy baby but is SO clingy with me and since day 1 has been an awful sleeper and that has deteriorated even more recently.

She is EBF, we have no family support locally and DH works long hours so I am by myself with her from when she wakes up to bedtime. Daddy might get 10 minutes with her before she goes to sleep and she gets so overexcited seeing him.

She now wakes up within an hour or two of me putting her to sleep and then keeps waking from then on. Overnight currently she is waking 2 hourly, sometimes more. I end up cosleeping with her as this is the only way I can get any sleep but I hate it- I get cold, uncomfortable in one position and always wake up loads worrying I’ve smothered her. DH won’t go in the other room as he doesn’t like leaving me to deal with her alone, but hasn’t helped overnight since he went back to work and TBF even if he does try she SCREAMS with him and chokes crying so hard.

DH has struggled more than I thought he would with the transition to fatherhood. He is a good dad and does lots at home- all the cooking and we are renovating our house (which I am so totally fed up of as it’s been going on for years) so he does a lot of DIY.

Its got to the point though where I hate weekends. I look forward to having company, I hate the weeks as I feel like I’m just alone with my own thoughts all the time and baby doesn’t exactly chat back, but then when the time comes we are both desperate to have some time to get on with things around the house. We are both homebodies. I resent DH for the time he does have as I do it ALL week alone and I can never be “off call” even when he’s got her as she may need feeding or she might cry and come back to me at any time.

Even when I do get time I spend it cleaning the house so we don’t live in filth, doing laundry, meal planning or batch cooking for the baby. I resent the time my DH spends doing DIY as he enjoys it and it is a hobby for him and I don’t get any down time like that.

I resent the fact that he can just book a haircut on a whim and booking mine is like a planned military operation. He will go out and do it early in the morning to get it out of the way but he just doesn’t get it that I am then Still stuck with getting the baby fed, washed, dressed, napped. When he does have her she eats late or doesn’t get put down for a nap and I end up paying for it later.

I never expected to resent my baby so much. I feel like I’ve lost me.
I never expected DH to be, so frankly, shit. I did raise it with him once and he left the house and left me upset having to do the baby’s bedtime.
I never expected to feel like a skivvy, I usually enjoy keeping a tidy home but hate that this is all I do 24/7.

I’m sorry OP, sounds very hard.
how much does your husband actually do if you feel like a skivvy?
does he work weekends? If not pass the baby over and get some you time. I honestly would probably mix feed to feel less like everything was on me.
Do you have friends, other mums you can see in the week? Go to baby groups? Even a bit of small talk with another adult can help the day drag less.

I've skimmed read your post as I'm one tired mumma tonight but research false starts, for the early wake up and sleep pressure for the two hourly wake ups. Follow Georgina May sleep on Insta as she's really helpful.

You're not alone and you're doing amazing especially with your dh long working hours.

I'm sure someone will be along with advice on the husband, but re. Co sleeping you could try getting a double mattress on your baby's bedroom floor and just you and the baby share that, so you get more room. You could wear a button up Onesie (buttons for BF) and a blanket up to your waist to keep warm.

And try to remember it's all a phase and will get better!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he does dinners, admin stuff like bills, DIY, gardening (although I would do it but don’t get the chance as he just gets out and does it while I’m feeding the baby), cleaning up the kitchen and some tidying up when I’ve had to go upstairs to deal with one of the many evening wakes. And work. I’m very conscious of the fact he is working and does need time to do his own stuff on weekends otherwise he doesn’t get any time to himself (although he does get an hour lunch break which I would kill for).

Also often I will tell him I want to do the cleaning and leave him watching the baby monitor in the background so i feel I can just crack on with it. I do enjoy cleaning when I can just tune everything out, although also do it because he wouldn’t just crack on and do it he’ll just sit and watch tv.

baby won’t take a bottle and never has. We tried very early on but because he was home so late and there was no one else around she was overtired and would get really upset with him, and if I tried she got upset and confused and tried to latch onto me.

I do baby groups but people just turn up, do the class and leave. I do meet up with a couple of other mums and did NCT to meet people but my NCT group have been crap and they all have local family so are not interested in meeting up for support.

@darlingsweetpea thank you I’ve had a look but it did make me cry a little bit because I can’t even figure out when I would watch those videos as baby currently sleeping on me.

Also drop your standards at home and do the bare minimum to keep the house clean!

I get you. I remember a spectacular argument with DH one weekend when Dts were about 8 months old. He was cracking on with the 'gardening', I just needed a ducking break and he throughly gardening was important. I threw a nappy at his head. It wasn't a great move on my part but did make him him ducking realise.

Why won't my phone let me swear - FUCKING!

I completely understand and sympathise massively with you, OP.

DS is up 3-4 times a night and won't settle unless he's BF. He then wakes at 5am for the day

I'm absolutely fucking exhausted.

His daytime naps are also shit. He can't link his sleep cycles so I'm having to constantly shh-pat or use white noise to get him to stay asleep for an hour, meaning that me napping with him is out of the question as he just wakes up after 30 mins, what's the point?

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.

To me it sounds like DH needs to do more with the baby. He's a daddy and is too busy working during the week to really get to be one so at least one day of the weekend should be daddy day, you can do some cleaning or gardening so you're around for feeding but hopefully can nip out to a cafe or to see a friend or something too.

Then the other weekend day can be family day, DH can disappear for a few hours if he feels the need to see friends or go to footie or whatever but ideally you can all go out somewhere nice.

I get what you say about it being easier for you to do the baby cos they'll just scream for him, but in that case when will he ever be able to do it? Let him do the early wakes if you're worried about him not getting enough sleep to go to work.

It will change, just hang in there. Sounds like you have a lovely bond with your baby.

Oh I feel your pain! It’s hard going. Honestly- in our house at one point we just had mattresses on floors in all rooms and it meant everyone slept better. I slept with whatever child was being breastfed at the time and husband with the other.

we are now through the other side and honestly- survival! It gets easier.

also I second the bare minimum housework: don’t iron, bedding doesn’t constantly need changed, let the little things go a bit. One day you get time back to do it all.

focus on sleep and survival for now

@AriettyHomily he has cried at me before when I asked him to just let things slide a bit. Says he’s only trying to make a nice house for us. So annoying.

I think this is a really hard stage. Baby isn’t a newborn anymore but not a toddler either - getting to the frustrated and need you for everything stage. But it does pass… it wont always be hard to leave the house for a haircut, baby won’t always breastfeed etc etc though it might feel like it at the moment.

your first baby is such a huge adjustment for everyone. In my experience lots of men get a lot more helpful once babies hit the toddler stage and can “do” a bit more with them. Some men are just a bit shit with babies I think. Soon you can send your toddler outside to “help” daddy garden whilst you can have a tea in peace.

yes he works but a baby/ a ebf baby is a full time job without a break. Be a bit more selfish at the weekend, your baby will be fine with their dad. The crying with pass, they can also eat food, they won’t starve if you take a break.
would you husband work in a job for 7.5 months without a break?

I felt exactly the same as you, I also am just not a baby person at all, so everything felt harder.

I am much happier with my now 2 year old. Once he started speaking and we have proper communication I found everything so much more enjoyable and easier.

Personally I hated breastfeeding and switched to formula which meant the baby wasn’t solely reliant on me (although I did 95% of the care as husband works long hours/away from home). It meant when he was home I could go out with friends and really relax and just feel myself, rather than an extension of the baby.

I have never once felt broody looking at anyone else’s baby and am quite happy it’s all over and done with- not that it gets easier, this part just seems to suit me better!

Oh this feels so much like after having DS1 - he slept just as bad and DH worked long hours. It will get better - quicker than it feels. Don't forget you'll be back at work soon and the balance will shift. Honestly though give it a month or two and do some gentle sleep training- it'll save your life. Then once that's sorted you can re - shift the balance a bit more at home. It's frustrating but you will get there and find your balance. It's so, so tough at the moment. Little win for now - make sure you have a joint calendar on your phone, if you're getting your haircut just put it in, no excuses he's seen it so that's his time.

You need to sleep train, and get baby in nursery.

Ah, man, it's bloody tough!!! I don't think any man can really understand the intensity of breastfeeding and being the sole carer 24/7, 7/7 etc. it can be really boring and tiring and frustrating. Your hormones are all weird and your emotions are scrambled and your body belongs to the baby and bloody hell, you just need a break! But then when you get one, you spend the whole time worrying about the baby!! Your post really resonated with what I remember from my first maternity leave.

No magic wand to wave but I'm having a very different experience second time around. Possibly because I've survived it once and know it's not forever. Keep telling yourself that it's just a phase. Things will change, you will get more time back and you will feel like 'you' again. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to survive. If it's easier if DH sleeps in a different room - do that. If the baby sleeps better in a particular room or mode - do whatever you can to do that and build on it. Try everything and don't stress if it doesn't work - just try something else. My first baby would only sleep if you walked for miles with the pushchair. Second baby likes the baby carrier but is less fussy thank god! Good luck x

I hear you, your partner doing jobs “to be helpful” but all you want is to not be in charge of the baby for an hour. It’s hard going at that stage. I had a non-sleeping co-sleeping breastfeeding clinger too and I promise it gets easier!

No real advice other than it will pass (really!).

And in the meantime, I’d really recommend dropping the structured baby classes and going on Facebook to find baby groups at any nearby churches. They’re (mostly) non-religious and I’ve made some great friends at them who wanted to meet up outside of the group. You need some community around you. All the best xx

I was in the same place you are- my baby never slept through and had horrendous colic even after putting her on solids ans lactose intolerance. She only sleeps good now she’s running round in nursery- it does pass. Does baby have bad colic? I had myself propped up on pillows with baby in my arms getting her to sleep, then in bed with me to settle her. Safest as we could to survive with little sleep. It’s horrendous. The only way I survived was having my sister watch baby for hours whilst I napped. Sod the house napping is essential.
grandparents watching her overnight too so I had a break . Ask for support honestly it got me through. Oh and car journeys. Sod what everyone says you do what you got to do to sleep

My baby was also EBF, very clingy and woke every two hours to be fed well into me returning to work. I kept waiting for him to naturally sleep through the night but it never happened. Eventually I sleep trained at 13 months - it was a grim couple of days but within a week he was sleeping through the night and I still BF in the day until he was 2.5. It’s not for everyone but saved my sanity slightly

Also pass baby to him. Ask him to watch baby for hours. Be selfish and take up that time. Because you’re really not being selfish you’re taking space. Get nails and hair done- I remember leaving house and daughter would cry hysterically and I’d feel awful. She doesn’t do it anymore now. It really does get better over time

You're doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances.

Some practical suggestions:

• could you invest in an Owlet smart sock? That should put your mind at rest about the smothering, lots of cosleepers use them.
• Have a look on the UK Cosleepers Facebook group for lots of practical suggestions on how to stay warm and comfy.
• can you afford any help? Either someone to come and do stuff around the house, or someone to have baby for a few hours to give you a break.
• are there any places near you with a creche like a gym so baby can be entertained whilst you get an hour or two of alone time
• would you consider going (back) to work and putting baby in childcare?.

Sorry if none of these are helpful, and I appreciate most come at a cost.

Not read the whole thread but wanted to say my first baby was like this and my husband was too. Second one completely different and has made all the difference with husband too. He couldn't cope with first baby 'rejecting him' as he saw it and checked out basically. They're really close now.

My first wouldn't go to anyone and cried loads, woke hourly and didn't sleep through till nearly 4. It was the hardest period of my life so go easy on yourself and ask for help from others. Second went to daddy well to start with so some babies are much harder than others. It will pass and get better I promise xxxx

4 years ago my eldest was like this and I was horrifically anxious as a result. When I got more sleep everything got better and when I stopped bf (at 2 yrs) i finally felt like me again. I had to go back to work at 5.5 months so DH had to deal with it all 3x a week for 14 hrs but I was still up every 2 hrs. The thing is I was so worried baby wouldn't feed but when I was out the house bottles were accepted no problem after the first day. I'd tried for weeks!

So if you can get DH on board, go book your haircut and leave him with DC and a bottle of EBM/formula water and snacks. If he has to deal with screaming child for a few hours then so be it. Your sanity is important. He won't gain confidence as a dad unless you're not there and he just has to figure out what works for him. Build up the time you're out and it will get easier on all of you. It feels like it never ends but honestly you will come out the other side of this. Second time round has been loads easier for me but I think that's mostly because DC2 sleeps better and is generally happier and likes other people!

I have a 10 month old and 3 other children and I understand where you’re coming from completely especially a few months ago.
im also breastfeeding (baby refused a bottle) felt every day was hard work as my baby was hard work. (Much harder than my others) very clingy/ didn’t sleep. (My others didn’t sleep but when I weaned they slept much better!) but this time it didn’t make a difference.
I went back to work when my baby was nearly 9 months old and I’m so much happier. She now drinks out of a cup (she never would before!) and she will take cows milk out of a bottle (refuses formula or breast milk). I enjoy my days off with her when we go to baby groups or for a walk/ park etc.
stay at home mum life is for some mums but it certainly is not for me. I miss adult interaction other than talking mum stuff!
in terms of sleep I have similar problems so you’re not by yourself but as I work nights she definitely sleeps better when I’m not there and isn’t wanting boob every ten minutes.
have you tried baby in their own room?