I hate having a baby

[Goldi321]

Please don’t flame me. I have a gorgeous 7.5 month old baby who on the whole is a happy baby but is SO clingy with me and since day 1 has been an awful sleeper and that has deteriorated even more recently.

She is EBF, we have no family support locally and DH works long hours so I am by myself with her from when she wakes up to bedtime. Daddy might get 10 minutes with her before she goes to sleep and she gets so overexcited seeing him.

She now wakes up within an hour or two of me putting her to sleep and then keeps waking from then on. Overnight currently she is waking 2 hourly, sometimes more. I end up cosleeping with her as this is the only way I can get any sleep but I hate it- I get cold, uncomfortable in one position and always wake up loads worrying I’ve smothered her. DH won’t go in the other room as he doesn’t like leaving me to deal with her alone, but hasn’t helped overnight since he went back to work and TBF even if he does try she SCREAMS with him and chokes crying so hard.

DH has struggled more than I thought he would with the transition to fatherhood. He is a good dad and does lots at home- all the cooking and we are renovating our house (which I am so totally fed up of as it’s been going on for years) so he does a lot of DIY.

Its got to the point though where I hate weekends. I look forward to having company, I hate the weeks as I feel like I’m just alone with my own thoughts all the time and baby doesn’t exactly chat back, but then when the time comes we are both desperate to have some time to get on with things around the house. We are both homebodies. I resent DH for the time he does have as I do it ALL week alone and I can never be “off call” even when he’s got her as she may need feeding or she might cry and come back to me at any time.

Even when I do get time I spend it cleaning the house so we don’t live in filth, doing laundry, meal planning or batch cooking for the baby. I resent the time my DH spends doing DIY as he enjoys it and it is a hobby for him and I don’t get any down time like that.

I resent the fact that he can just book a haircut on a whim and booking mine is like a planned military operation. He will go out and do it early in the morning to get it out of the way but he just doesn’t get it that I am then Still stuck with getting the baby fed, washed, dressed, napped. When he does have her she eats late or doesn’t get put down for a nap and I end up paying for it later.

I never expected to resent my baby so much. I feel like I’ve lost me.
I never expected DH to be, so frankly, shit. I did raise it with him once and he left the house and left me upset having to do the baby’s bedtime.
I never expected to feel like a skivvy, I usually enjoy keeping a tidy home but hate that this is all I do 24/7.

No advice as there's lots already on this thread but just wanted to reassure you that it does get easier. This phase won't last forever even though it feels like it now.

Its displacement activity. You both need to drop your standards a bit unless you can pay someone to do the work/cleaning. He also needs to understand that "help" right now is not redecorating or insisting on staying in the same room (even though it makes things worse) but just being pragmatic about getting through the night. That may mean for now he goes to the spare room but gets up earlier to take the baby and leave you to sleep for an hour or so.

Without local family/help the first year is often a test of survival with a non sleeper. If she is over seven months and weaning she may take a cup if not a bottle - one of mine would flatly refuse a bottle but would take a cup.

One of the best bits of advice I was given for our hellish first non sleeper was to "be there but be boring" - so stroke, say there there but don't pick up and make a fuss or reward the disturbance,. Just reassure that you are there. It doesn't work overnight but over time it seemed to help. But honestly - whatever technique works for you - sleep deprivation is torture.

@Goldi321 Instagram have a setting now where all videos, have automatic captions. Lifesaver for contact naps or when you're feeding!!

I feel your pain after another sleepless night. I'm trying to drag myself out to a class for my toddler!

A 7.5 month old isn't waking from hunger if they're feeding well during the day, it's waking for a comfort feed. And that's an awfully hard habit to break the longer it carries on for.

I wasn't strict over many parts of parenting but I was with sleep for their sakes as well as my own. I think you need to get your DH on board and get him to settle her back again rather than letting her smell milk and think it's time for a comfort feed. No one enjoys being a parent when they're exhausted.

Thank you all, I am reading all the replies! I just know I will be kicking myself when I go back to work at 1 year for not enjoying it. I’m dreading going back for many reasons, not wanting to leave baby with strangers, worrying about how she will cope with me leaving her, hate my job as it’s extremely stressful and long hours and not looking forward to juggling baby and work. My brain feels full just with managing her at the moment!

I think she is still waking for hunger/thirst as since weaning she has dropped her milk intake hugely, she can go 4 or even 5 hours between feeds in the days. She won’t always feed at night, maybe once or twice of the wakeups but I do try to settle her first with a cuddle and it does work a lot of the time. I’m not keen on forming a feed to sleep habit.

DH didn’t take the baby downstairs this morning so I didn’t get any extra sleep and, although he set everything out,he didn’t give her breakfast so I’m back to doing everything myself again.

Im finding it hard not to show my disappointment. I find it a kick in the teeth whenever someone tells me that they are loving being parents and they tell me how amazing their DP has been. Also every mum I meet at the moment seems to have a DH who works from home so they get help in the day and from early in the evening and I am so, so jealous. By the time DH comes home at 7pm I am wiped out and then I have to go upstairs and do bedtime alone too.
we really have tried for him to settle her but she SCREAMS and I can’t bear to hear it or see her like that.

Sleep training was a life changing moment for me. Ferber method - I’m constantly recommending the book on here, it really is magical.

It won’t solve all your problems but it will give you peace of mind that at 7pm on the dot you just pop the baby in the cot, night night, asleep within minutes and you can breathe a sigh of relief and relax (or do jobs!).

It very much depends on the baby - I think that blanket recommending these types of methods can cause lots of distress (for baby and mum).

My question was going to be are you going back to work. Looks like you are.
Honestly, this was the best thing for me mentally. Yes, I was at 'work' but the mental break and having my body and brain to myself for a few hours was amazing.

Tell your selfish 'D'H to fuck off to the spare room to allow you the space to be able to sleep better and spread out now baby is getting bigger.
Him staying in the bed out of some imagined solidarity only makes him feel better about his uselessness rather than actually helping you.

You're in a similar situation to me, however I work full time and I have DM who looks after DS.
Are you due to go back to work soon? Crazy as it sounds, that will be a 'break' for you. And it's especially lovely then when you have weekends off with the baby etc.

Also, I would recommend looking up a couple of local playgroups and start taking her a couple of mornings a week. You will make mum friends and eventually each week as she grows and becomes more independent in the group you can have a coffee and chat with the other mums whilst she plays.

It's not your baby you resent, it's the lack of support OP sending you a hug xx

Surely all recommendations on mumsnet are blanket recommendations as we can’t possibly know the full situation intimately.

I’m sharing what worked for me - I’m sure OP will decide if it’s something she wants to try or not.

I found my baby was far less distressed once I’d allowed him to learn how to fall asleep independently. It meant he could fall asleep happily before I even got back downstairs and could stay asleep all night.

He was very distressed before the training as he was so tired from waking constantly and not being able to fall asleep easily.

Also, my DS was awful sleeper (still not the greatest, but much better)
I co slept with him and DH moved to the spare bedroom for a few months. It worked for us and meant we all got a good night sleep this was from when DS was the age of your little one right up until 16mo.
He's 18mo now and finally moved into his room in his cot about 2 months ago.

It will get easier xx

Really useful advice on this thread. It's not you, it's being tired that makes you feel like this. That being the case, why not start your baby in nursery for one or two days a week? I know you said you don't want to (no one does), but giving yourself the chance to catch up on your sleep/cleaning/doing something nice for you will transform the rest of the time you spend with your baby.

It might be a case of working out which is the lesser of two evils: childcare or exhaustion. You can grit your teeth and white knuckle the rest of your mat leave, but then maybe you'll feel sad at how you weren't able to make the most of it.

You sound broken, you need to be the priority not the bloody DIY. If baby is on solids and can manage 4-5 hours without a breastfeed then book that hair appointment, go out and leave him to it. And do this regularly. I’d also sleep train. Dealing with a useless DP is easier when you’re knackered.

I could have written this post 18 months ago.

I found this age the hardest tbh - they arent little meatloafs who just sleep all day anymore but its SO hard to keep them entertained because they dont want to play more than ten seconds. I also had a pram and sling avoider - and it was lockdown!

you MUST must must have a break.

Even if its for an hour so you can wander around the shops in peace, alone, with some headphones on. DC will be fine - feed them before you leave and DH can do breakfast/lunch or whatever.

Some babies just dont sleep - even with sleep training. Do everything you can to feel confident and warm while cosleeping.

Can you go get your hair or nails done? Go for a swim?

"Hug"
You are not alone OP.
I felt the same way for a long long time and to be honest still do. OH is a great dad and does many things for us but of course is room for improvement as there is with us all.
I'm now at 11 months, I go back to work next month and I'm really looking forward to it. Getting my norm back! It won't ever be the same as before but it gets a little easier each day.
Take care of yourself, your doing a great job mum X

I have a 2 year old now but i completely identify with everything you posted (except the EBF bit which i never managed, hats off to you seriously for getting this far!) My life only got better when I went back to work full time, and dd started attending nursery mon-fri. Its amazing how you start feeling like yourself again and you get back into the 'real world'. Hope i dont get flamed for saying this but being at home all day with a baby really isnt for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever (society thinks that women MUST be happy popping out children and devoting their lives fully to raising them!!) Something to think about honestly, its the only thing that got me back on track. As your baby gets older they should start sleeping better too which also makes life so much better for everyone. Also if you can afford it, get a cleaner. we cant justify the cost but if you can then do it!

Haven't rtft but why aren't you feeding solids yet? Perhaps your baby is clingy because it is constantly hungry. If you aren't the kind of mum to constantly have a baby hanging off your breast then perhaps start feeding the baby food.

I could have written this in 2015 and 2017!! Do you have a friend nearby that you could arrange a regular outing with? When mine were this age I felt exactly like this, it sucks. I was lucky to have an amazing friend who saw I was struggling and took me swimming for a few hours every week on a set day. DH just had to deal with the screaming/figure it out for himself like I did, and I wasn’t around for the sound to be torturing me too much. Our outings literally kept me going!

I know it’s hard, but do keep raising how you are feeling with him - if he’s like my DH which he sounds like he might be then expect some defensiveness but hopefully the message will get through eventually. He might be working and deserving of a weekend, but I’d argue you are working around the clock under greater physical and mental stressors. Without pay or regular breaks! He needs to see this. And, actually my DH told me recently that the time I spent out with my friend each week in those days while he had to figure it out for himself helped him realise how it felt for me during the week, and made him more confident with dealing with DC without deferring to me all the time.

Big hug, it’s a flippin’ hard time. You’re doing great x

🙄
From OP - since weaning she has dropped her milk intake hugely, she can go 4 or even 5 hours between feeds in the days

Ok well this is going to go down like a sack of shit on here but: Stop breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Honestly, it’s a recipe for an unsettled and clingy baby. Every time you see a thread with a tired mum at her wits end, it’s always a breastfeeding/cosleeping thread. Breastfeeding is great, but not when it means mum feels on the edge and unable to cope. I shamelessly stopped at 8 months because I no longer wanted to do night wakings and wanted a bit of independence back.

How is her weaning? Give her a small amount of porridge before bed to fill her tummy and help her sleep.

Get out the house - baby groups, a walk, a mums meet up, take a book to a cafe, anything. Home is a prison with a fractious baby.

Itll take a few unsettled days or a week to wean onto a bottle, but once you have, Friday and Saturday nights are yours - hand baby over to dad, say goodnight then lock yourself away and go to sleep.

With a good night’s sleep it will all feel better, I promise.

I ended up starting a new job & cutting mat leave early by 3 months cos it was so relentless.

DS was cruising at 7 months & an established crawler, so I couldn’t even leave him in one place.

I absolutely to this day do not regret going back early. It meant I night weaned so DH could pick up some of the hard yards overnight & it hugely improved my relationship with both DH and DS.

We built it up so DH would go through and try and settle DS first. If he was still crying after 10 mins, I’d go through and feed him. But he quite quickly (after 2 nights) settled almost instantly for DH. They even started co sleeping in the super king bed while I slept in the spare room & they are absolutely thick as thieves.

This is cute 🥰

Bare minimum around house, get baby on bottle

Stop being a martyr

At 7.5 months I was heading back to work with all of mine (and Daddy was in charge for the next few months). And thank fuck for that. Despite crying about going to work for about four months by 11am on the first day I was “right, yes, of course, this is ME and it is so nice to make my acquaintance”.

shit sleepers the lot of them. Love them all massively but very very glad the baby days are behind me because I promise you it’s going to get so much better.

Good luck.