I hate having a baby

[Goldi321]

Please don’t flame me. I have a gorgeous 7.5 month old baby who on the whole is a happy baby but is SO clingy with me and since day 1 has been an awful sleeper and that has deteriorated even more recently.

She is EBF, we have no family support locally and DH works long hours so I am by myself with her from when she wakes up to bedtime. Daddy might get 10 minutes with her before she goes to sleep and she gets so overexcited seeing him.

She now wakes up within an hour or two of me putting her to sleep and then keeps waking from then on. Overnight currently she is waking 2 hourly, sometimes more. I end up cosleeping with her as this is the only way I can get any sleep but I hate it- I get cold, uncomfortable in one position and always wake up loads worrying I’ve smothered her. DH won’t go in the other room as he doesn’t like leaving me to deal with her alone, but hasn’t helped overnight since he went back to work and TBF even if he does try she SCREAMS with him and chokes crying so hard.

DH has struggled more than I thought he would with the transition to fatherhood. He is a good dad and does lots at home- all the cooking and we are renovating our house (which I am so totally fed up of as it’s been going on for years) so he does a lot of DIY.

Its got to the point though where I hate weekends. I look forward to having company, I hate the weeks as I feel like I’m just alone with my own thoughts all the time and baby doesn’t exactly chat back, but then when the time comes we are both desperate to have some time to get on with things around the house. We are both homebodies. I resent DH for the time he does have as I do it ALL week alone and I can never be “off call” even when he’s got her as she may need feeding or she might cry and come back to me at any time.

Even when I do get time I spend it cleaning the house so we don’t live in filth, doing laundry, meal planning or batch cooking for the baby. I resent the time my DH spends doing DIY as he enjoys it and it is a hobby for him and I don’t get any down time like that.

I resent the fact that he can just book a haircut on a whim and booking mine is like a planned military operation. He will go out and do it early in the morning to get it out of the way but he just doesn’t get it that I am then Still stuck with getting the baby fed, washed, dressed, napped. When he does have her she eats late or doesn’t get put down for a nap and I end up paying for it later.

I never expected to resent my baby so much. I feel like I’ve lost me.
I never expected DH to be, so frankly, shit. I did raise it with him once and he left the house and left me upset having to do the baby’s bedtime.
I never expected to feel like a skivvy, I usually enjoy keeping a tidy home but hate that this is all I do 24/7.

Your h is not great. Forgetting to give baby breakfast? Not taking baby downstairs to give you a lie in?

You need to tell him to look after the baby more to give you a break, and leave some of the house stuff. Tell him how down you're feeling and what you need from him.

Your baby is a good age to start introducing non- breastfeeding ways to drink. I offered a shot glass of water after eating, and had sippy cups of ready made baby formula that I found my little bottle hating baby started to take to quite well. It meant I was much more relaxed about being away from her for a few hours. Once she turned one we'd replace the baby formula milk with cows milk.

Babies are the absolute worst, aren’t they? I did bf, tried co sleeping etc, but in the end what worked for me was going back to work early, introducing bottles for a dream feed and then moving to formula, and a bit of gentle sleep training (gradual withdrawal method). You said your little one wouldn’t take a bottle - we started with a SNS tube taped to a finger as ours would suck a finger but not a bottle! Then in the end got the hang of bottles.

Actually get DH to take the baby out for several hours, the next time he has a day off. I know I loved that as I could sleep completely undisturbed. I didn't didn't want to go shopping or get my nails done, I just wanted to fucking sleep.

It does get easier as they get older especially when the baby gets more independent and crawling around the place.
I know your DH is working, but part of the bonding process involves care giving to the baby. So many men don’t step up at this age using the excuse they are working and your at home.
Your not going to get a break from the baby if your still in the house. He needs to learn to manage the baby by himself routinely. Make time for you and you will discover that you are still in there just very tired.

Sort the sleep first. Do you have a solid routine? A short nap at about 9 and then a long nap after lunch? You can get rid of the night wakings at this age- justchillmama also has great advice. Read up on methods and absolutely stick to them. It will take a few days but you will see great results within a couple of weeks. The naps will also give you space in the day and your evenings back.

I think lots of women are a little disappointed in the lack of initiative when it comes to babies and children. They seem to need direction, which is annoying. Book yourself in for a hair appointment, put it in the diary and go. He can follow the routine by himself.

this sounds hard atm but it will fall into place more and once you’re lot sleep deprived, you’ll find things easier. X

Er it sounds very much like it should be your husband you resent. He is making your life harder, not your baby!

I weaned DC 2 on bananas, pouches and weetabix. Very very kindly please lower your standards a bit. On Saturday morning DH can take his daughter out to a cafe/walk whatever from 9:00 - 12:00. You sleep and he brings back lunch. It will make all the difference.

I have so much sympathy and I'm in a very similar position. Baby is 6 months old. DH was all feminist pre baby but has been a bit of a disappointment. He seems to think he does loads but doesn't cook, clean or even do the DIY stuff he says he will. He does bath and bed a few nights a week and no matter how many times I tell him, I think he believes deep down that mat leave is a bit of a jolly. It's infuriating but also exhausting to keep arguing about.

Not much advice to offer but reading responses with interest and solidarity!

The first baby is when most self styled feminist men show their colours. They largely get away with it because women are schooled to feel guilty/responsible for everything to do with the new baby, that the man needs his sleep because paid work etc etc We find ourselves using terms like "helping" for basic parenting and feeling we should be somehow grateful for the most pathetic of efforts.

I remember hitting threshold and pointing out in no uncertain terms that the only person who knew what helped me was me and that "keeping out of the way" or "doing stuff in the garden" did not help me. Taking the baby out for an hour or doing the early shift to take the baby out did help me.

It doesn't help if the father comes from a family where these expectations are set and men are considered paragons if they pick up a teatowel. Sometimes you have to be blunt to avoid ongoing simmering resentment poisoning the relationship.