To think that a lot of talk about 'boundaries '

[Skelligsfeathers]

Is just shorthand for being really selfish?

I am staggered on here sometimes when I read about how little people will do for each other, how little they will put others first.
And it's always dressed up as ' having boundaries'.
Well, you know what, your boundaries won't help you when you're n the shit and YOU need some help. Just be prepared.

I think it is really . Sad

There are certainly people and posts that strike me the same way, OP.

Not all of course, some people really need more boundaries!

IME boundaries are what you realise you need to instigate when you’re dealing with someone who is talking the piss. After being expected to keep putting yourself out for someone/some people who seem to expect it, don’t reciprocate and don’t care about what effect their expectations that you ‘help’ them are having, there comes a point where you realise that you need to put boundaries in place and start saying no.

Of course, the people used to you doing stuff for them feel this is ‘selfish’ and ‘unfair’.

My advice would be that if someone has started talking about the need to have boundaries, then you need to seriously consider the extent to which you have been taking the piss.

This 👏🏻

Sounds like something a “friend” said to me when I stopped letting them walk all over me, and stopped doing everything for them. I wonder what prompted this little outburst?

@whumpthereitis Wow. Just wow.

Being selfish is NOT having boundaries! There is a huuuge difference 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

YABU. Because you can't link to the post(s) you're referring to without risking being reported and deleted as a TAAT, you've made an overgeneralisation and the responses are mainly posters free-associating about things that annoy them personally here or IRL.

Generally, when I've seen responses to threads on MN that mention "boundaries" when the OP of the thread hasn't specifically asked about them, it's because the OP has said that they are unhappy, overwhelmed, or distressed about something they've been asked to do or have taken on doing or feel they have to or are expected to do. I don't see it a lot in cases where someone has said (for example) that she gives her co-worker a ride to work and it's the best time of the workday because the colleague is hilarious, or that she takes care of her grandchildren twice a week is is going to miss them as the family's away on holiday, or that she's done hundreds of hours of volunteer work and has learned so much from it. I'm not going to say that "no one" (because there are all sorts posting here) is ever pushing happy, serene, contented, people to examine or revise their boundaries - but most of the time it's a response to people asking for advice and expressing discontent.

Generally, I'd be more wary of someone who says boundaries aren't important and urges people not to talk about them than of someone who brings the topic up even when it might not be 100% relevant.

Outburst? So OP calmly pointing out the difference between having healthy boundaries and being self centred is an 'outburst?' Seriously, are you actually ok?!?

Have you asked yourself what has been going on in their household that has caused them to have instigated these boundaries you feel so offended by.

Very often, behind what looks like some dreadful, selfish, uncaring woman is a man who has been seriously taking the piss and has an enormous sense of entitlement about it. And the structure of patriarchal society is we are so busy blaming the woman for the strategy she’s using to mitigate this that we entirely miss the man who, quite simply, is not pulling his weight in tearing his own children because he feels entitled to having the woman he’s in a relationship do it for him.

Doesn’t just happen in stepparenting. Although people get particularly irate when stepmothers don’t appear to be toeing the patriarchal line. But it happens in almost any situation where women start thinking: what a minute… why am I being expected to do everything and put myself out but no one else seems to be?

I think a lot of people on here are assuming that having boundaries and being entirely self centred are exactly the same thing and that's deeply concerning imo

Agree op

The ones I hear talk about boundaries are almost always cunty dickheads

Its basically self care. Its like that saying "If your a giver you better have limits because takers don' t"
I see it as just plain old common sense, some people will take advantage of your kind nature. l have friends that can drain me re their problems, l offer help and advice but if after a while they keep repeating same old behaviour l draw a line, its not worth my energy, l have enough to deal with and never burden them with my issues.

@SudocremOnEverything You don't take out the father's actions (or lack of) on the children! You just don't. There's no excuse for excluding a child.
Anyway those were just two examples of hundreds & hundreds of posts I've seen from stepmothers on here, saying they regularly/have always treat their own child/ren differently and act shocked at the suggestion that they should be any other way.

In much the same as kindness isn’t being a doormat then, as while they may be distinct if you based it on what you see MN you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference 🥴

Selfishness simply means putting yourself first. We’re all selfish to a greater or lesser degree, and whether that is a good or bad thing in regards to any particular situation is a matter of opinion. Personally, can’t say I’m inclined to care if someone thinks I’m selfish and wants to squawk about it, that’s on them and it sure as shit isn’t going to ruin my day. I don’t fear the term, and nor do I believe it’s my job as a woman to serve despite what I may want. If I give of myself I do it freely and because I want to, not because it’s expected of me or because I’m being told I have to.

Shock horror, different people have different views on how they want their own families, nuclear or blended, to run. ‘Stepmother’ is merely common vernacular, and doesn’t necessarily reflect a mother-child relationship that exists, or is even desired, between the two relevant parties. It’s a descriptor, not a diktat.

maybe focus on your own family rather than someone else’s. Save yourself the angst.

If you believe half the shit you read on here, then you must be under the impression people are selflessly providing housing, childcare and free taxi services to people they barely know out of the goodness of their hearts.

In rl meanwhile, I'm guessing they wouldn't.

Let’s be honest, all the talk about the difference between boundaries and being selfish is something women do. Not men.
And it often relies on that balance between wanting to be respected (boundaries) and being there for people (bring a nice little woman).

For me having boundaries isn’t being selfish. It’s about being respected. It’s also often about treating myself the same way I would treat a friend (eg if I was going to say to a friend ‘stop and go and rest. You’re shattered and you need rest to function tomorrow’ then I am going to have the same talk with myself iyswim).
That is NOT being selfish, which is only looking fir yourself with no care if the consequences on others.

The conflict happens when you look after yourself AND it happens to cash with the needs of others. As women we are expected to put our needs aside and not doing so makes us ‘selfish’.
Interestingly there is often little talk from the other side of the impact of them demanding you put your win needs aside….

Having boundaries is about not letting others take advantage or abuse you. It's not about never being helpful. While people can be selfish others can be extremely entitled - and that's where boundaries come in.
If you want to go out of your way to help others then that's great, no one's going to stop you I'm sure.

I often see messages on here basically saying that people should NEVER put themselves out for others, never do anything they don't want etc.

I think that’s very MN specific @SallyWD .
and you are right. I have been shocked at some comments where posters for example, suggest the OP just tell her own children to stop talking about something that bothers them because the OP finds it a pain. All in the ground that they are adults. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
Often those comments were either very blinkered or based on the idea that everyone should a self defined, fully independent individual who should hr er need help of any sort. A bit if a shame really because we all need some help at some point in our life, or throughout life really.

Really nasty.
People who talk about boundaries are usually those who were brought up in toxic families without them.
Therapists use the term boundaries,most people have healthy boundaries without referring to them.
Often people who are in therapy will have rigid boundaries until they feel secure.

Yes.

That’s the problem with ‘be kind’, it’s almost entirely performative. Posters going on about how charitable they would be in a situation they’re not even in, patting themselves on the back for a ‘kindness’ that hasn’t been asked of them, and that they haven’t demonstrated.

add to that the fact they’re waxing lyrical about their own ‘kindness’ as a means to presume authority, be distinctly unkind to an OP, and be perceived as a Good Person™ on the internet. Like that isn’t self serving.

I think people who don't understand the importance of 'boundaries' are the same as people who don't understand the importance of 'no contact' - they've never had the kind of life that's needed them.

Agree totally. If you grew up in an abusive home or have been in an abusive relationship. Boundaries are so important to work on as the cycle of abuse can just continue on otherwise.

See also: cheeky fuckers that don’t want to encourage resistance, and those lacking boundaries getting pissed off because others don’t. Misery loves company.

I tried boundaries with my Mother and she gleefully pissed all over them for years.

Then I realised the only boundary I needed to set was absolute no contact for the rest of our lives.

It's ok to set boundaries and be selfish.