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Original poster

People who don't like you

62 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 03/10/2022 11:07

How do you make yourself not care when people actively dislike you?

Someone I work with has decided that they don't like me and they're curt (or rude, if they're not a good mood) and this makes me feel annoyed and upset.

I don't want to waste my energy, but I don't know how to control how I feel.

Also, it's not curt or rude enough for me to have it out and ask what the problem is. She could easily pretend I'm imagining it, but I'm definitely not.

Am I really sensitive that this gets to me?

OP posts:

VatofTea · 03/10/2022 11:38

Train yourself not to care what other people think of you. Maintain a professional standard of curtesy even if she fails to do so, and distance yourself from her. People's justifications for not "liking" colleagues can be extremely ridiculous.

Imagined slights, petty jealousies, self centeredness, their own issues. Don't even waste time analyzing her. Just interact with the people who have an easy going, positive, courteous vibe.

BamBamBilla · 03/10/2022 11:43

Be nice, friendly and caring to them. If it pisses them off more you can see its their problem not yours.

Spudlet · 03/10/2022 11:44

Wonder if it’s an old colleague of mine… she did this to a lot of people! It was exhausting and could be quite upsetting - but once she’d done it to enough people it became pretty clear where the problem actually lay.

It’s not a nice thing to deal with but if you are confident that you’ve done nothing to cause this, then you can hold your head up and remind yourself that it’s not your problem. Remain professional at all times, but also cover your back - follow up calls with emails to summarise (a good plan anyway) so you have a record of what was said.

If on reflection you realise that maybe you did slight this person in some way, then you need to decide if it’s worth the hassle of addressing it. But keep it professional. Apologise if you feel you ought to, but with the clear expectation that that will be the end of it. Tbh you probably haven’t because otherwise I’m sure you’d have mentioned it.

But the golden rule either way is to keep it professional.

MigsandTiggs · 03/10/2022 11:50

BamBamBilla · 03/10/2022 11:43

Be nice, friendly and caring to them. If it pisses them off more you can see its their problem not yours.

This. Be super nice while laughing inside. Silent one-up-manship... Because they get off on affecting you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2022 12:00

Unless you are a dislikeable person with unpleasant views / behaviour / attitude, then them not liking you isn’t based on who you are but on something they’ve either fabricated to themselves, or simply their mood. You don’t take it personally, because it clearly can’t be personal.

I’d take them aside and say you’ve noticed that sometimes they are curt and appear annoyed with you and if they are annoyed you’d appreciate knowing why because you’d rather have an opportunity to put it right than for both of you to be feeling frustrated at work. It a) conveys clearly that you’re aware of their behaviour and aren’t going to roll over and let them keep doing it and b) there’s every possibility you’ve unknowingly done something or they mistakenly think you’ve done something and gives them an opportunity to tell you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 03/10/2022 12:01

Agree with @VatofTea.

And remember not everyone has good taste! 😄

Betahydroxybutyrate · 03/10/2022 12:03

It has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. You mirror something in them that they hate or you highlight something that they wish they could be.

My coach always tells me “other peoples opinion of you is none of your business”.

It’s quite liberating really.

OldTinHat · 03/10/2022 12:10

A woman in part of my social group has taken great dislike to me to the point where if I sign up to an event she's going to, she'll drop out.

We did end up at an event a few weeks ago and I killed her with kindness and attention until she was fuming and then she blanked me. Only took about four minutes and we were sat opposite at a dinner!

I appreciate this is a different scenario to being at work where you're interacting regularly but, as they say, smile and wave, smile and wave!

whokilledlizandseb · 03/10/2022 12:11

I used to care about this stuff until I realised there's a lot of people I don't like for whatever reason and it's normal.

I'm always polite to the people I don't like but I don't give them any more of my time than I have to.

There must be people you don't like?

JJsdadisatwat · 03/10/2022 12:16

Life is short.

There are people I dislike and I am sure there are people who dislike me. That’s okay. We are all different. And in 50 years, we’ll all be dead so what does it matter what people think of me.

The only one that hits hard are PIL. They have been nasty and dislike me because of my race and the colour of my skin. It hurts because it has hurt dh.

But everyone else? I can’t care. I have enough real personal worries to think about someone else’s opinion of me.

Hillrunning · 03/10/2022 12:18

There are two elements to this. The first is her not liking you, it's totally fine for her not to like you, do you actually like her? Do you like everyone you meet? Keep saying to yourself, 'It's fine if she doesn't like me.'

The second is how she is showing her dislike, in a workplace it is very unprofessional for her to show it. With this, behave obviously to it. Treat her with the exact same respect and professionalism as you would anyone else.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 03/10/2022 12:21

BamBamBilla · 03/10/2022 11:43

Be nice, friendly and caring to them. If it pisses them off more you can see its their problem not yours.

This. Smile, say have a good evening, have a nice day etc… not grovelling , not offering to fetch coffee etc.. just be so cheery and nice to everyone It really pisses off horrible people.

nowornevers · 03/10/2022 12:23

A work colleague of mine doesn't like me. It's not personal, she doesn't like my approach because it doesn't suit her. She's a "shout the loudest" person. So she is rude to me.

It helps me to remember that she's really not a nice person. In my role I've been privy to staff comments made about various aspects of the business, and the comments made about her (the only colleague to receive personal criticism) matched my view and experience of her.

Sparklfairy · 03/10/2022 12:25

Ugh this reminds me of the woman at my old work who had always been a bit off with me, but the very few women in our office were all cliquey and I was the newest and just thought I didn't fit in, and I hung out with the men anyway.

Then, drunk, on a work night out, she pulled me aside and said, I just want to tell you why I don't like you.

I told her to go back to her glass of rose with her little friends and leave me the hell alone.

Wasn't my classiest move but pissed me right off.

BarryK3nt · 03/10/2022 12:25

When I had this problem where I used to work I made it clear that I didn’t like her either by being curt and rude in return. She then tried to get me to like her. So try that.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 12:26

I don't think it is okay for her to be unprofessional and rude just because she doesn't like you.

Of course you can kill people with kindness etc but why should you have to? I would probably speak to HR or similar for advice.

Not everyone will like you, nor you them, but in a work environment everyone is expected to be an adult and behave with courtesy.

ancientgran · 03/10/2022 12:26

My DH laughs at me as people will decide to tell me their life story or latest triumph/disaster. He says it's a nightmare to go in shop with me or join a queue. A classic was being in a shop with music playing and a charming young man with Down's Syndrome asked me to dance, although I have two left feet we danced round the shop.

I have now met with a brick wall, a checkout operator at a local supermarket who clearly dislikes me, she will be all chat and smiles with the person in front of me, as I pack up I hear her being the same with the person after me. She does her best to serve me whilst ignoring me, she tuts and is curt. I have no idea why and I have decided to do what I do everywhere else, big smile and polite and just let her get on with it.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 12:28

There are certain personality types where you have to be careful of being overly nice to them when they are being rude, they will see it as weakness and could get worse. I would be neutral and speak to someone about is more senior. Especially if it is affecting your work or your well being.

LoobyDop · 03/10/2022 12:29

Taking into account the way she is making you feel, do you like her? If the honest answer is no, it’s a bit unreasonable to be upset that the feeling is mutual. Unless you’re a massive doormat and not being honest with yourself, there are some people you just don’t hit it off with, and that’s ok.

If you do like her, but she is always abrupt with you, it could be that she just doesn’t have the headspace for new friends. That’s maybe not the ideal way for her to look at it or to behave, but if this is the case the worst thing you can do is metaphorically bob around in her eyeline trying to fix it. Just keep interactions minimal and professional, and remind yourself that it’s a reflection on her, not you.

UsernameIsCopied · 03/10/2022 12:29

You need to realise that how people treat you says more about them than it does about you. Your colleague's behaviour is entirely about her, it's her problem. It's not personal (I'm assuming you always treated her with respect).

123sunshine · 03/10/2022 12:32

Its just a work college, they don't have to be your friend. Personally I think in general its best to keep a distance with work colleagues anyway. Not everyone can like each other fact of life. I think you have to decide you also don't like her in your mind and then you will be indifferent to her reaction to you.

SallyWD · 03/10/2022 12:34

I've always found that generally if someone doesn't like me, the issue is more with them, than me. They're usually just one of those difficult people with a chip on their shoulder. If anyone's difficult or doesn't seem to like me I just compensate by being over-nice. I'll be So pleasant and friendly to them that they really have nowhere to direct their hatred. I notice they often seem to back down or stop actively disliking me so much.

mrsjimhopper · 03/10/2022 12:35

It took me a while of agonising why people didn't like me and trying to resolve my issues, become more likeable and friendly.

The actual solution was to realise I didn't like them (because of their behaviour). Very hard for someone inherently positive. After that I was just neutral towards them and ignored them and they did the same for me.

At the moment this person has power over you. Next time you see them pretend they are invisible. No smiling, no staring away. If they speak to you yes or no or ok will suffice (please and thank you).

Change the thought process from "why don't they like me" to "I don't like them".

You can't like everything or everyone.

MintJulia · 03/10/2022 12:38

I've had this happen twice.

On each occasion, the individual concerned considered me a stuck-up snob.

They've called me 'posh' - not true, I come from a free school meals household. No private schooling, no rich parents, no silver spoon. At the time I was a single mum with a snotty toddler and a12yo car.

They said I was elitist - when it came down to how they got this impression, it was because I once said I disliked reality TV.

They said I was stuck up - which translated as I have a business degree, although I'd not mentioned it to either of them. They'd seen it on my CV before I joined.

Normally with people like that, it's their own insecurities speaking. You can be nice, try to reassure them but in the end, the problem is theirs, not yours. Take no notice or address it head on but don't let them make you miserable.

thecatsthecats · 03/10/2022 12:46

Being nice to someone who's being a dick to you has one of two outcomes:

pisses them off but they can't do anything about it
actually changes their mind

Either is a win.

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