People who don't like you

[RedRobyn2021]

How do you make yourself not care when people actively dislike you?

Someone I work with has decided that they don't like me and they're curt (or rude, if they're not a good mood) and this makes me feel annoyed and upset.

I don't want to waste my energy, but I don't know how to control how I feel.

Also, it's not curt or rude enough for me to have it out and ask what the problem is. She could easily pretend I'm imagining it, but I'm definitely not.

Am I really sensitive that this gets to me?

My mum told me when I was little “if everyone likes you, you’re too bland to be interesting. It’s fine not to be to everyone’s taste.”

Not caring what other people think is very freeing. Don’t give her another thought.

You can’t control how others feel but you can control your reaction to them.

My mantra is “Fuck ‘em”.

As you go through life, no matter what you do, eventually you will meet someone who dislikes you. Even the most lovely and friendly person will be disliked by someone, sometimes with little or no true reason.

Some people project their own 'stuff' onto others, and will find reasons to dislike someone, and bring about drama and conflict where there is none. People are irrational and fickle and complicated.

I find this happens especially in the workplace because we are not always seeing the 'true' person, but their workplace personality. People can misunderstand/ misinterpret each other, take things personally when they are not meant that way, etc.

I would say, have a look at the reasons they might dislike you, decide whether you agree with them.

If you do, maybe there's something there for you to work on or talk to them about.

If you don't, then just say to yourself 'no one is everyone's cup of tea', continue being as polite to them as possible and move on with your life!

You can't win 'em all. Focus your energy on those people who see your value and make you feel good.

Of course, if they are actively being rude to you, harrassing or bullying you, then that needs to be escalated and discussed with your manager.

I've recently realised my adult dd's consultant really dislikes me. (DD has severe learning difficulties.)

However, I suppose it began because we needed urgent help with our dd's new medication, contacted his team via urgent email, followed up with an ansaphone message 2 days later stressing the urgency and finally received a response after 5 days. This was really serious as worst case scenario DD could have died without the help we needed.

I wrote a very assertive but professional email stating this level of service was unacceptable and that they were toying with vulnerable lives. Received a derisory response and then the emails began between the consultant and myself
Turns out it is obvious he hates any woman with half a brain - I held a very senior position prior to retirement - and he was constantly trying to gaslight me and treating me as a subordinate. (Apparently I need to realise who I'm addressing when dealing with him 🤔.) Rightly or wrongly I told him I wasn't his subordinate and never would be. I will continue to speak as I find and I deserve the same level of respect.
It is still ongoing!

Of course, like any human, I don't enjoy being disliked but as the parent of a severely disabled DC you soon realise you have to get over it. It is a lifetime of battles. ☹️

I know one person who absolutely loathes me and I’ve done literally nothing to her. She’s convinced I had an affair with her husband (the first I heard of this ‘affair’ was 5 years ago). I know this man but haven’t actually seen him in 19 years apart from 2 occasions. Once in a car park when I was there with my own DH and she was also there with him. Another time I was in the Range with my daughter and he was there with his daughter. We just waved and that was it. Her mum apparently calls me a ‘slag’.

In answer to your question, I just let them get on with it. I know it isn’t true and I’m happily married. She clearly can’t be happy if she has to act like that.

I've had this in the past at work. If it's something I've done or a way I've behaved then depending on my interaction with this person then I either try to resolve it or I don't. If it's them behaving this way towards me, again, depending on my interaction with them I might try to resolve it.

I'm always nice, polite, civil to people I work with though.

I last had this, but in an indirect way, with someone I worked closely with, and then her colleague/friend who sometimes worked with us. Both of them basically wanted to 'teach me' (about life, whatever) but used the 'I'm better than you' ways coupled with like/dislike as it suited them or when I was playing to their tune. I soon realised I didn't want to be another one of their lackeys and fodder for their gossip and I wanted my own work/outside work life. This then translated to bullying and downright disliking of me because I wasn't playing along. I then made sure I got therapy for the bullying and had to almost play a part until I could leave. One thing I realised about one of them who disliked me was it was jealousy - of someone supplanting her in our office, and also of anyone who was like me, younger, prettier, more glamourous, but she couldn't come out and say this so had to bitch about me behind my back and then pretend to like/be nice to me. Can't be doing with that at this stage in my life! It's also something which now, if I worked with anyone who's younger etc - yes of course sometimes they'll look amazing, younger which might cause slight twinges of envy but I actually remember that much younger colleague often aren't as confident as they make out and sometimes want to share/learn loads of stuff from someone older.

I don't expect to be universally liked, but sometimes when someone makes it really clear and they're hard to avoid, it can get under your skin a bit. Especially if they appeared to like you once and flipped for no obvious reason.

Realising you don't like them either is definitely liberating.

Still annoying crossing paths with them though 😂

There's an old Irish prayer I think I saw on a tea towel

'God bless those who love us..,
and for those who don't, please God turn their hearts...
and if the hearts wont turn, please turn their ankles
That we'll know them by their limping'

You say that when they’re in a bad mood that they’re rude.

Don’t let someone that can’t control their emotions, control your emotions.

Who gives a shit if they like your or not? That’s their problem not yours and if this person is being inappropriate then report them, they dont like you anyway so it’s win win.

As other PPs have said, just be as friendly as possible. It will either piss them right off or they'll warm up to you.

Surely you don't like every single person you've met? It's just natural that not everyone will like everyone else.

It’s fine to not like people. It’s not fine, in the workplace, to make that dislike known to a colleague by being curt and rude to them; particularly if there’s no solid reason you have for disliking them such as laziness at their job, poor attitude, expressing unpleasant views or behaviour etc, and you’re not going to give them the opportunity to put things right or explain themselves by telling them that you have an issue with their conduct.

You just have to remind yourself that what she thinks of you is not your business. As long as you are polite and reasonably behaved, the issue is hers.

I'm a reformed people pleaser and that triggers some types. Insecure as well in their own way, but more dominant, more extrovert.

Years of experience has taught me that you're better off not trying to be nice.
Over ride that desire.
I just started a new job and there was somebody all set to be a bitch to me but I said "are you stressed?" and she walked off but just that little message (this is you not me) put her on notice that I am not quite as spineless as my smiley demeanor suggests
If she'd carried on I was going to say, "would you mind disguising your irritation with me, thanks".
B3cause that is the professional thing to do.

Good luck.
It's hard getting the balance between standing up for yourself that little bit and appearing to be the one who snapped first. Fine line!!
Good luck and stay strong and stay calm.

How do you make yourself not care when people actively dislike you?
You've had some good advice, their poor behaviour is their problem not yours - and I'd argue that you're already halfway there. 'How do I make myself not care' is a much healthier response than 'how can I make them like me'.

What happened?
Did she take the chip out of her arse?!!!
I couldn't muster the energy to be frosty for over an hour! But some people are dedicated to their craft.

What happened?
Did she take the chip out of her arse?!!!
I couldn't muster the energy to be frosty for over an hour! But some people are dedicated to their craft.

Practice responding with detached curiousity (like an anthropologist or sociologist) and wonder why she’s doing/saying that, rather than focusing on your own reactions and feelings.

It takes a while to get the hang of doing that, but it is incredibly freeing, and lifts a huge mental load. You start to realise that her behaviour is about her, not you.

Just get past 40 and you won't give a shit

I suspect masses of people don't like me. I don't really care - I'm just generally polite and pleasant to nearly everyone and they can take from that as they will. There are a very small number of people who don't get even that. Our desire to be "liked" by everyone holds us all back in life IMHO.

If people are actively nasty to me that's different and generally I will retaliate although not always right away. As I've got older, I've learnt to wait until I've calmed down or at least try to. Sometimes though just being very friendly and polite to them seems to freak them out even more than actual revenge - some people don't seem able to cope with that.

Of course, there are people who do seem to like me - I don't want to be disliked by everyone..

I think it matters because these IDONTLIKEYOU merchants always try to freeze you out of the group or jut the work camaraderie

It's impossible for everybody to like everybody. It's a numbers game, for all the ones that don't, there are many more that do? Focus on those positives.

That is completely brilliant. 😆

I don't have to make myself not care, I just don't!

If it becomes apparent that someone's taken a dislike to me, I usually do a bit of digging to find out if I've inadvertently done something to upset them. If I have - and it's happened at least once - then I apologise and try to make amends.

If I haven't, and they just don't like to - well, fine. They don't have to, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. But it's their problem, not mine.

It hurts but it's possible to learn how to overcome this.

Say to yourself:
I have no control over how they treat me, only how I respond.
They don't know me that well, so their dislike is no reflection on my true character.
No one is liked by everyone. There are people I dislike who haven't done anything bad to me, they are just not my type. If I am not this person's type, that's their business not mine. I don't like them and their behaviour either.
What matters to me is that I am liked by people I love. That is hugely important. No one else's oppinion matters.
I will, however, not be bullied and will pick them up on unreasonable behaviour with assertive politeness.
They will not dictate my behaviour. I will choose to remain polite and courteous and be myself at all times.
I will always have choices and one would be to apply for other jobs if this person starts to annoy me too much.
Unless I have to deal with them I will make no further effort. No trying to ingratiate myself. Ignoring them unless required to speak to them is the best way.