I am ashamed of mysel

[AshamedOfMumMe]

NC for this for obvious reasons

My DC is 8, in Year 4.

Absolutely hates school, always has. This is their second school due to Infants/Juniors system, and they've hated both schools equally, I'm sure it's a school in general issue and not a school issue as DC has told their cousins that they wouldn't want to go to their school either.

Every morning is a battle, them refusing to get dressed, when I get them dressed they take their clothes off, if I get them out the door I get slapped, hit kicked and bitten. My hair gets pulled out in huge clumps when I try to carry them and dragging them makes no difference.

I’ve been reported to SS so many times by my neighbours, who couldn’t give less of a f**k if they tried, they refer it back to school.

School shrug and tell me to get them to school on time as we’re usually late – I drive but as a single parent can’t afford to run my own car plus I’d have to park at least where I live from school anyway (0.5m) as there’s 2 streets which is permit parking only right by school. I tell them what I am dealing with and they tell me there’s nothing wrong with DC in school. Once DC is over their threshold they behave like an angel so they think there’s no issue.

Apart from the fact there is, DC is at least 2 years behind academically, I suspect SN but because they’re quietly conforming I get told by school that everyones in the same position due to Covid and everyone else gets on with it.
I’ve started the EHCP process but been told it’ll be a long wait and I’ll likely have to go to tribunal at every point as school say no issues.

This morning I just lost it, I’d been bitten 3 times, kicked, hit and left winded when I tried to pick DC up to carry them and they slapped me on the back hard. I put them down grabbed their arm and bit them back, not hard and it was through the sweatshirt material of their jumper so only left a tiny red mark. It stopped the outburst though.

We walked the rest of the way in silence, me crying in shame. We were late again but at least it was slightly calmer. I checked their arm before going into school and it was a few tiny marks that were already fading.

I am ashamed of what I did but I do not know what to do or how to help DC. We will have the same outburst after school tonight, they last 45 minutes sometimes. ExH refuses weekday contact at all, so I struggle alone.

Weekends are calm and a breeze, no outbursts, no bites, no tears, just calm. I must be doing something wrong on weekday mornings.

Please see your GP.
You can't carry on like this.

Speak to your school's SENCO. Tell them how bad it is . They might refer you to Early Help. I believe you can self refer to them as well.

I feel for you.

We will have the same outburst after school tonight,

Why? I can understand outbursts before school if they don't want to go in - why after school too?

I think you need to get them assessed. This sounds beyond NT.

I completely understand why you lost control.

Is there a homeschooling co-op near you?

Or can you take your kid out of school until school recognise the issues and work with you?

My mum did this with my sister re: bullying and they pulled their finger out pretty quickly when she did that.

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps I tried talking to the Senco and get told no issues at school, they basically told me off for applying for the EHCP told me I was wasting my time because DC is fine in school because they behave fine and try and get on with it, never ask for help when struggling.

@CourtneeLuv Unfortunately I can't home school, I am on my own, literally just me and DC I get no maintenance from ExH (a whole other story) so have to work in order to pay the ever increasing costs of life.

Approach your school's Family Liaison Officer.
Your SENCO and school should be supporting you not batting you away.
Repeated lateness will become a concern.

Or Self refer to Early Help.

Have you try recording him?

It sounds like he has issues with transitions, my GS is very similar (on the pathway for ASD) although he continued it at school and was eventually granted a place at a special school. Your little boy sounds like he's a master at masking - I'd record him, show them what you're dealing with.

*tried

No need to be ashamed. You're not getting ANY support.

Why are you avoiding using He/She?

Have you looked into changing schools? You say DS/DD will still hate going. Maybe/maybe not, but you might get more support from a different school (even if they 'behave' at school.

Transition issues are common with sen children film it and show her this is what I'm dealing with daily my child needs support

Also the same behaviour after school is common too look up the bottle of pop analogy

The outburst after school will probably be due to the child trying their very best to keep their feelings and frustrations under control all day. Then when they get home to mum these explode. Home and mum is the child safe space, where they can let go, and it all comes out.
Think of a can of coke, being shaken up all day then opened once they get home. It all comes out.
It's horrible for parents to deal with, but is fairly common for kids, particularly those with additional support needs.

Hugs don’t dare be ashamed you’re at the end of your tether, get any medical stuff ruled out.

You definitely should be getting more support.

I was confused at first as I thought you were talking about more than one child.

I have a child with SEN and no-one really listened until I broke down to the GP.
They need to see you at breaking point.

Why are you avoiding using He/She?

Ah yeah, I just assumed you were talking about a DS because your post reminded me of my GS, sorry 🙈

Bless you op. This sounds utterly tough and I don't blame you for losing it. We all have our limits and this is a daily battle for you. The ones who should be ashamed are your ex, the school and everyone who is not providing the support you need. No advice as I'm not familiar with SN but just wanted to say, please don't be so hard on yourself you are human. X

Home and mum is the child safe space, where they can let go, and it all comes out. Think of a can of coke, being shaken up all day then opened once they get home. It all comes out.

Thank you for explaining this!

Hope you get the support you need, OP. This sounds incredibly hard.

Please don't feel bad. See it as a sign that you both need support.

No need to feel ashamed OP, you are human and were being physically hurt yet again so your reaction is perfectly understandable.

If it makes you feel better my Mum bit my elder sister back once - she never bit anyone again.

Could you and DC sit down together tonight and calmly talk about how much it hurts you to be punched, hair pulled etc. Now you have bitten back your child has an understanding of pain, perhaps this incident may actually help your relationship going forward

Tomorrow imo you video your morning.. Then see GP and head teacher and show them. Yabu to accept this without question..

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I have no faith that a new school would help in anyway considering the Infants they were at was completely seperate to the juniors, different Senco, Different Teachers, even a different uniform, and they said the same as the current school "no issues". School reports say where they struggle and what they need to work on but say they behave.

I avoided using he/she because the gender doesn't matter does it?

Will try recording like @lemmein suggested.

You need some strategies
It sounds as something is triggering their behaviour before school. So yes sen could be a factor.

Also you need to allow more time in the morning have a proper routine. So it's less stressful around
Don't stress if they haven't eaten all their breakfast etc. Just put it in front of them

Fight the battles you need to.
Also ask social services/ gp for help. If they are fine at weekends it's something that is triggering in the week.

Oh my heart is breaking

You can't do this you must not hurt your children

GP today emergency.

I avoided using he/she because the gender doesn't matter does it?

It could be relevant OP - effective masking is much more prevalent in little girls.

Like I said, your post reminded me of my GS, except he couldn't mask if his life depended on it - his every single emotion is on display, no matter who or where he is.

@lemmein ok yes I have a DD

Ahh right, yeah, it's much more common - the SENCO should really be aware of that and not dismissing your concerns because she's fine in school.

Read up on masking in girls, it might help you deal with her if you can get an insight into why she's doing it.

I feel for you, I really do - we had no such obstacles with my GS because he didn't care who is audience was so getting support was quite easy (the school couldn't cope!)

I'd definitely record her and speak to your GP - does the school have access to an educational psychologist?

Try to forgive yourself for today

Sounds like my DD before school and both her and my DS after school. They are both Autistic, DD has anxiety in the mix too. She masks brilliantly, was diagnosed a lot latter then her brothers because of that. Will literally clam up as soon as school's insight and not start up again till we're safely in the car after school. I have noticed though it's started to slip, gotten to a level where she can't always mask in public anymore. I know it won't help you feel less guilty, but a lot of parents with SEN kids have been there in one way or another. I certainly have.

Unfortunately it sounds like the Senco at your school really isn't very good at their job, otherwise they'd understand masking. I know how impossible it can feel to do more, but if you're on FB it could be worthwhile to look for a local support group for parents of Autistic kids. They can be a good source of information and knowledge like where to go to for help, and which GPs are good with SEN and MH issues like anxiety so you can get on the path to getting the diagnosis and help for your child you need. Good luck with it all and try not to beat yourself up about this, you're human that's all. Your Ex has a lot to be ashamed of here, you don't.