I am ashamed of mysel

[AshamedOfMumMe]

NC for this for obvious reasons

My DC is 8, in Year 4.

Absolutely hates school, always has. This is their second school due to Infants/Juniors system, and they've hated both schools equally, I'm sure it's a school in general issue and not a school issue as DC has told their cousins that they wouldn't want to go to their school either.

Every morning is a battle, them refusing to get dressed, when I get them dressed they take their clothes off, if I get them out the door I get slapped, hit kicked and bitten. My hair gets pulled out in huge clumps when I try to carry them and dragging them makes no difference.

I’ve been reported to SS so many times by my neighbours, who couldn’t give less of a f**k if they tried, they refer it back to school.

School shrug and tell me to get them to school on time as we’re usually late – I drive but as a single parent can’t afford to run my own car plus I’d have to park at least where I live from school anyway (0.5m) as there’s 2 streets which is permit parking only right by school. I tell them what I am dealing with and they tell me there’s nothing wrong with DC in school. Once DC is over their threshold they behave like an angel so they think there’s no issue.

Apart from the fact there is, DC is at least 2 years behind academically, I suspect SN but because they’re quietly conforming I get told by school that everyones in the same position due to Covid and everyone else gets on with it.
I’ve started the EHCP process but been told it’ll be a long wait and I’ll likely have to go to tribunal at every point as school say no issues.

This morning I just lost it, I’d been bitten 3 times, kicked, hit and left winded when I tried to pick DC up to carry them and they slapped me on the back hard. I put them down grabbed their arm and bit them back, not hard and it was through the sweatshirt material of their jumper so only left a tiny red mark. It stopped the outburst though.

We walked the rest of the way in silence, me crying in shame. We were late again but at least it was slightly calmer. I checked their arm before going into school and it was a few tiny marks that were already fading.

I am ashamed of what I did but I do not know what to do or how to help DC. We will have the same outburst after school tonight, they last 45 minutes sometimes. ExH refuses weekday contact at all, so I struggle alone.

Weekends are calm and a breeze, no outbursts, no bites, no tears, just calm. I must be doing something wrong on weekday mornings.

Just wanted to add my voice of support.

To the rest of the thread, I have a question.... If the child is "good" at school why does the op need to speak to the school? Are they the trigger to additional support outside of the school like a talking therapy? Or is it more of a case of the school making the child feel better about coming that will diminish the meltdowns?

Masking and the coke bottle effect are signs of unmet needs at school. If school life was easier for DD and her needs met there home life would improve. Support can also be accessed via school.

Thank you thatsnotmycar

But it's OK for OP to be hurt by them?

Do you have any special needs charities or groups in your area that support special needs children and parents? They could be a very big help and support.

This is not helpful at all. OP is clearly having a difficult time with no support whatsoever. She doesn't make a habit of 'hurting' her children. And I dont know what you think an emergency GP appointment will solve.

OP I really feel for you. You are doing a tremendous job and have been let down terribly. Your ex should hang his head in shame. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, you snapped, it happens when you reach breaking point. Your child is fine no harm done.

I would speak to school in this case because the morning behaviour falls under school-induced anxiety or school refusal. The fact that the behaviour is different on weekend mornings means something about school is a trigger. If going to swimming lessons made things kick off every time, you’d start looking at what’s happening at swimming even if she was a brilliant swimmer. That sort of train of thought.

Could even be something like separation anxiety or could be any number of other things. Hard to narrow it down without talking to school really.

I knew by your OP that your child was a girl. I’ve seen it in my niece, and in girls I’ve taught. Start the process of assessment now. Shout loudly and put everything in writing. Sadly, that seems to be the only way to get anything done.

Thank you everyone, we walked home a different way and had a chat, no major harm done, a tiny tiny scratch where I bit her but nothing that'll scar.

She said sorry for biting me and I said sorry. I then let her run wild in the park by our house for 30 minutes before home, but no meltdown so might try that again.

Will be taking note of her behaviour before school and have also contacted the GP about myself so this never happens again. Waiting for a text/call with an appointment.

She's now skipping up and down my hallway pretending to be a happy dog 😂

It sounds bonkers but if she’s enjoying playing bouncy dog maybe try it in the morning. Ds (asd) used to pretend to be a kitten before school and wanted to see other cats. Just go with it 😂

Thank you will try it

In my experience with autism in school is children who are not having their needs met (sensory, social, communication, educational, mental health etc) either externalise how much they are struggling with behaviours as communication (this was my son - running away, violence, fight or flight) or they internalise it, push it down and mimic what everyone else is doing (masking) and freeze (my niece - who by 13 was self harming with the stress of doing it and totally school refused for the rest of secondary) - the pressure of hiding who they were and mimicking others just becomes too much and they explode at home where it's safe and non judgemental.

We managed school for a while with A LOT of sensory work before and after. Going to the park is perfect for getting all the sensory build up out of the body and reducing stress etc.

How disgraceful of the school to dismiss your concerns and what you are going through.. I would expect they know that lots of children 'hold it together' in school and then erupt at home because that is their safe space. Can you insist on a referral to early help or refer yourself? Are CAMHS involved?

@mam0918 sadly it is out dated views like yours that have slowed down advances in autism acceptance. I'm very sad to see that grown adults are still this uneducated about "special needs" in particular ASD.
It's heartbreaking to think that there are still
Adults in this world who think that kids who are able to just about hold it together on the outside, enough to please others at school, are obviously able to switch their needs on and off.
Masking is huge in autism and a very well known recognised feature. One of my dds could just about keep her emotions hidden in school, but yet used to vomit in fear every school morning, hysterically lash out prior to leaving the house, come home after school and sleep for five hours straight due to exhaustion of masking and wake up and have huge debilitating panic attacks before bed again at the thought of school the next day. You think she was 'switching" this on?
Please educate yourself for the benefit of anyone around you experiencing difficulties.

The meltdowns are because of school, because of how hard the DD finds the school environment. The morning meltdown is because of how anxious she feels going into that environment and the afternoon one is because all the things she had to cope with during the day come bubbling out when she feels safe with her mum. Having the school onboard can make a big difference.

There are things schools can do that can directly effect how overwhelming school is for children with SEN. This varies child to child. Things like movement breaks, a quiet place she can go when needed, ear muffs to reduce noise when she's concentrating on work, fidget sensory toys, using a stool she can rock on instead of a chair, a wobble cushion for floor time warnings, being able to stand or sit as needed while working/listening, countdowns before transitioning between tasks or rooms, a visual timetable of the day and week ahead. I have no idea what if any of this an English school would do, but these are things that can help ND kids to cope..

If your child masks their feelings and struggles quietly it's much, much harder to get the support they need. It's easier for everyone just to blame the parent when a child's struggles are only obvious at home. Any decent senco would know this. Unfortunately often the people that should know better don't.