I am ashamed of mysel

[AshamedOfMumMe]

NC for this for obvious reasons

My DC is 8, in Year 4.

Absolutely hates school, always has. This is their second school due to Infants/Juniors system, and they've hated both schools equally, I'm sure it's a school in general issue and not a school issue as DC has told their cousins that they wouldn't want to go to their school either.

Every morning is a battle, them refusing to get dressed, when I get them dressed they take their clothes off, if I get them out the door I get slapped, hit kicked and bitten. My hair gets pulled out in huge clumps when I try to carry them and dragging them makes no difference.

I’ve been reported to SS so many times by my neighbours, who couldn’t give less of a f**k if they tried, they refer it back to school.

School shrug and tell me to get them to school on time as we’re usually late – I drive but as a single parent can’t afford to run my own car plus I’d have to park at least where I live from school anyway (0.5m) as there’s 2 streets which is permit parking only right by school. I tell them what I am dealing with and they tell me there’s nothing wrong with DC in school. Once DC is over their threshold they behave like an angel so they think there’s no issue.

Apart from the fact there is, DC is at least 2 years behind academically, I suspect SN but because they’re quietly conforming I get told by school that everyones in the same position due to Covid and everyone else gets on with it.
I’ve started the EHCP process but been told it’ll be a long wait and I’ll likely have to go to tribunal at every point as school say no issues.

This morning I just lost it, I’d been bitten 3 times, kicked, hit and left winded when I tried to pick DC up to carry them and they slapped me on the back hard. I put them down grabbed their arm and bit them back, not hard and it was through the sweatshirt material of their jumper so only left a tiny red mark. It stopped the outburst though.

We walked the rest of the way in silence, me crying in shame. We were late again but at least it was slightly calmer. I checked their arm before going into school and it was a few tiny marks that were already fading.

I am ashamed of what I did but I do not know what to do or how to help DC. We will have the same outburst after school tonight, they last 45 minutes sometimes. ExH refuses weekday contact at all, so I struggle alone.

Weekends are calm and a breeze, no outbursts, no bites, no tears, just calm. I must be doing something wrong on weekday mornings.

Join the 'Facebook community for autism and ADHD parent support UK' - I'm part of that group, it's really good for advice.

All of my DC are Autistic, none of them have been in trouble at school, they're all at level or above in everything, one has a very high IQ. I've been pushed and kicked and headbutted, pushed into a wall. At school none of that. It really doesn't mean anything that she can mask at school. Any Senco worthy of the title would know that.

Do you have an education welfare Officer EWO? They were very helpful when dd refused school. She was a 100% version of a child with PDA. Exploded only at home. She floored me once tearing all the lateral menisces in both knees. She's now working in Ireland thank goodness !

I don’t know what to suggest OP but this approach from schools makes me furious. I had a friend who worked as a additional learning needs teacher, she supported schools. And she came up against this all the time. Kids who were not coping, but could hold it in at school, but parents got it out of school. She had horrendous stories and schools just refusing to engage or support.

first of all, look up pathological demand avoidance, particularly for girls.

then look at IPSEA for the deadlines your LA have to comply with- once they don’t you can appeal, if you need support with this you can use legal help- ring the civil service legal advice helpline and they’ll direct you to IPSEA or Simpson Millar, don’t be intimidated by the threat of a tribunal, every assessment request that an LA refuse they end up agreeing once the parent files an appeal, because the threshold is so low- essentially all you have to show is enough evidence that your child might have SEN (after all, how would you know Without an assessment?).

then find a support group, it’s too much to feel alone with, you’re not alone. be kind to yourself x

I don't have any advice to add OP other than to share my support for you and to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I hope you can get help quickly. The only people who should be ashamed are those who haven't listened to you to date in the school and your exH who is clearly no help at all.
Good luck and a big hug, you must be absolutely exhausted.

School refusal/fear is a huge sign of autism. And yes gender does matter as autism in boys and girls present ms very differently. You are describing my three autistic daughters on school mornings. Once diagnosed everything became so much easier. Please record these episodes on your phone and bring to your gp and begin the assessment process

Oh bless you. I suspect there’s a bigger picture going on here, but it’s probably hard for you to see the wood for the trees. Ideally it would be great if your child had Some professional help like CAMHS. But there is such a long waiting list and you may struggle to get a referral anyway.

if you have any sort of means or a family member could lend you some money I would suggest you looked into going for some private therapy for your child. I apologise if this is not possible.

Failing that Google “young minds school anxiety”. there is some great advice on there. Which as a starting point is asking your child what is worrying them.

I would also plead with your ex that you need to work together as (not trying to put guilt on you) but I suspect the divorce has had an effect on your child. They potentially may have attachment issues. Obviously this is a guess.

There may also be ASD going on as people have suggested. But nothing you have said has suggested that other than the anxiety. Though of course I or anybody else reading this post really wouldn’t know the answer to that either way.

I think recording it is a brilliant idea. Good luck

also contact your local SENDIASS (google) and ask them for advice on where the school could refer for support for you in your local area.

This is very hard on you and it sounds like you need to push hard at school and social services.

It seems that the gender does matter because you chose to use plural pronoun + plural verb and this made your post difficult to understand. Had you used the singular h/she + singular verb it would have been much easier to follow.

Oh you poor love. I don't have any experience in this but I just wanted to say you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are only human, please don't beat yourself up.

Sounds like classic neurodiversity.

Extreme anxiety about going in to school
Masking all day in a school that isn't supporting them
Coke bottle effect at the end of the day when they don't have to mask anymore and they erupt from the stress of it all.

Your gone and you are the safe haven (hence no problems at the weekend)

Record what happens and make a written list of every single thing you think is atypical for their age. Ask for a meeting with the SENCO and ask them to review the list and videos and discuss with them about masking....

@lemmein was right to ask, @AshamedOfMumMe - the gender does matter, because with autism/traits of it, it presents differently in girls. Girls are genuinely better as masking - which your statement of your child behaving like an angel in school, but melting down before and after, shows. Boys, in my experience (my son has ASD and a friend's son has SEN), can't mask, it all comes out as they feel it.

You cannot go on like this. Biting your child isn't okay, but at the same time it might have shown her that it hurts! She may not have realised that before today. My hand is covered in little scars from when my son used to bite me as a small child, usually on the school run, and he didn't stop until he got nipped by my mother's puppy and realised that teeth actually hurt! Routine is key to getting them into school - but after? As a previous poster explained, it's like a shaken can of coke exploding when you open it. With my son, he'd exhaust himself melting down after school, so would nap for most of the evening - then complain when he was woken for dinner, during infant and junior school. Senior school, he would wind down walking home with his friends, so he was a bit more pleasant to be around. But if his routine changes, even now (he's 18), he can't deal with it. Like you, I'm a single parent with a feckless ex (who also doesn't pay his share towards raising our children - and never has!), so I understand how exhausted and fed up this is probably making you feel. It's a relentless slog, I'm afraid, but one which - for your child's sake - you have to make the school understand. And you need support, yourself. I went to the GP and cried, my older child went to the GP and demanded they do something, and... then, they listened (my son was around 10 at this point).

My mum told me she lost her temper and bit me on the arm in front of my nursery teacher when she'd been called in again after I bit another child! She was mortified and still upset about it 30 years later, teacher pretended not to notice. You didn't hurt her, don't beat yourself up but you do need help, you can't carry on alone even though I've no doubt you're doing a brilliant job 💐

This sounds exactly like my daughter - undiagnosed autism, school kept saying there were no issues. Our GP was helpful in making a referral for diagnosis.
You could also try your local branch of the National Autistic Society, or their website for advice and support. Citizen's Advice, local SEN groups etc - you may be able to have an advocate to help in dealing with the school.
This is not your fault - your child's needs are not being met by the school.

If hes only like this for you both before and after school then its a you issue not a school issue... kids with SN cant switch it on and off.

As mothers we often get the brunt of the bad/rude behavior because we are the constantly they feel they can use as a punch bag but this is extreme. Maybe parenting classes could help you find a communication and displine path that works.

Look up Tony Atwood’s research on autism and how school can affect children in this way - he calls it the Jekyll and Hyde effect.

Can you get a GP appt and video record footage in the meantime, of behaviour on weekdays? This sounds like extreme emotional distress &/or SEN clearly linked directly to school.

If hes only like this for you both before and after school then its a you issue not a school issue... kids with SN cant switch it on and off.

This is very ignorant. It’s called masking. After school it can be the result of the coke bottle effect.

OP where are you in the EHCP process? Are the LA sticking to the timescales?

@mam0918 please read up on autism, particularly in girls before making sweeping statements.

You don’t get the right of appeal just because the LA are in breach of the statutory timescales, but you can look at Judicial Review in order to force the LA to comply with the process thus getting the right of appeal. Unfortunately for JR, the first part you can’t get Legal Aid and the later stages are in the child’s name. IPSEA are brilliant but don’t offer Legal Aid.

If hes only like this for you both before and after school then its a you issue not a school issue... kids with SN cant switch it on and off.

This is really not true. Multiple posters have already explained how autistic children can mask at school. And the “switching it off” (or at least trying their hardest to) for 6.5 hours a day can lead to dreadful meltdowns at home. Imagine how exhausting and stressful it is to have to pretend to be someone you’re not for so long, 5 days a week at such a young age!

Total sympathy for you OP. Have you approached your GP about referral for assessment is the school are being crap?

I would apply for dla now if you haven’t already - you don’t need a diagnosis to do so. If you do get awarded dla at mid or high rate you can claim carers allowance which might make a difference in terms of how much or what work you need to do. (I know it’s not much, we get it)!

Totally agree with others that you’re probably looking at a child with PDA / autism. My son is 10 and has autism and learning disabilities and attends complex needs school. I relate to a lot of what you’ve written.

This is not your fault. It’s fucking hard.

Lots of excellent points made on this thread so far OP - and I think despite having a morning where it all went pear shaped, you’ve done the right thing and stopped in your tracks and want to change the pattern! That’s to be commended and tomorrow (and even school pick up today) is a new opportunity.

I do think you need to do some recording and documenting so relevant people can see what your child’s school avoidance looks like. I suspect you will also get further with Senco backed with some terms that have already come up here. Being able to address your daughter’s good school behaviour as masking should make them take note. (I strongly dislike that SEN provision is like this in schools, but I am an ex-teacher and will say far fewer school professionals actively spot these things that we all wish. Remember you see your child and always your child; they see every kid in the building. You know more about her, always.)

Are you able to have a chat with the class teacher? Sitting down in person would be best, but I understand it may be difficult to have a way to do that without your DD present. If you can, you need to say ‘I’m glad to hear my daughter is behaving well in the classroom. However, seeing her behaviour at home, she shows many signs of neurodivergence, and her current level of school avoidance in the mornings is not sustainable. Can we work together to help DD feel better about coming in each day?’ And I know that sounds a bit hokey and may not be how you would usually talk about it, but these are requests that are very reasonable and should go on the record, and you need it on the record that you want to work with the school to help her. You could put it in a letter if you prefer as obviously that would then go on the record. Then if there is a next time that you feel school are pawning you off, you can pause and point out that you’ve actually been trying to work with them.

I am 99.9% sure the first thing they will say is she needs to get to school on time, so brace yourself for that. I have a child the same age as yours and we struggle to get out the door on time even without school avoidance so I know you’re going to go ughhhh because I would too. But if you can detach a bit to think through what arriving are school is like either on time or late, you’ll see why they are going to harp on about it. If you arrive on time, you are with your friends and your class, you probably have a couple important minutes to chat with a friend about whatever, you go into the classroom all together and start the day in the same way over and over again. If you’re late, you miss the friend catch up, you may have to check in at the office, which doesn’t feel nice, you walk down a now empty hallway, you walk into the classroom to interrupt what has started so far. Most kids would not feel their best trying to get to their seat and get started that way. So… as much as a pain in the absolute neck as it is, being on time does make a big difference to a smooth transition to the day. While you have this initiative today, try to think about the spots in your morning where things kick off and see if you can change the order of thing or give yourself new timings. I’ve changed clocks in my house to run fast without telling the rest of the family to keep us on time.

Does she have a friend she would gravitate toward in her class? If friendships are wobbly, that can lead to lots of masking and stress too. If she does have a good friend, then the class teacher might be able to support by something like sitting near the friend, making the classroom a more welcoming place for her.

After school pop bottle effect needs its own routine too. Restraint collapse is real!! Smiles for sure, hugs if she is a huggy child. Snacks!! A hangry child is like shaking up the pop bottle then adding a tube of mentos for good measure! Get some food in her straight away. Don’t worry about the car; walking is a good decompression activity and then let her talk or not talk as she feels. If she is one who will come out with all the tales of the day, make sure she feels she is being listened to. You are her biggest ally in the world and she may feel like you’re her only ally.

Don’t worry about the academic stuff right now. Focus on rebuilding her relationship with schooling, with feeling more confident in navigating and then slowing down the emotional rollercoaster. Remember reading together can help both emotions and academics at the same time so it’s never a bad thing.

I’m sorry this is so long and I’m sorry she’s not going to automatically go ‘oh today was rubbish and tomorrow I will start again and it will all be easy and perfect’. It will be hard. There will be days that are just the worst. And then there will be days when it it’s better too. You’re going to need support and you’re going to collapse in a heap sometimes, but all good things start somewhere. Sending you lots of strength!