ADHD/Autism behaviour

[mids2019]

We are acquaintances with a family whose eldest child (around 12 years) has been diagnosed with ADHD/autism.

The child's behaviour can be quite impulsive and is occasionally prone to emotional outbursts. The child is very forward with adults (a little disrespectfuly) and his behaviour in at least our experience can be quite poor.

The problem is that I do not think it is our place to comment on the child's behaviour and certainly not to verbally chastise him. We therefore really don't know how to relate to the child and worry about saying the wrong thing to the parents? I am sure the family is stressed an do we do not want to add to to he stress by commenting on the he child's behaviour especially as it is the result of an underlying health condition but sometimes it's a challenge to remain silent.

Is there a correct way forward with this?

Following with interest as I have kids on the spectrum who can't blend in easily.

Would you normally verbally chastise a child of an acquaintance?

Having raised a son with ASD and now as a support worker for young people with ASD and ADHD, I'd be interested in the exact behaviours in order to give a relevant response. Can you give examples?

@FavouriteDogMug

No I wouldn't.

The child snatched a packet of crisps from my partner's hands which was impolite for instance and I didn't comment. Normally I might have talked to the parents but there seems to be some resignation that this is typical behaviour.

I would not say anything. I have a similar child myself. Leave it to the parents.

I agree with @MissHavershamReturns

You sound judgemental to be honest. This child has a disability and chastising him or speaking to his parents is not your place. Stay away if you are easily offended. I have a disabled son and the comment I make to people like you is sorry if my sons disability inconveniences you for a few minutes

It sounds like poor parenting. Regardless of ASD/ADHD they should be teaching the child that it's rude to snatch and take something that is not theirs.

@cheapskatemum

Impulsive behaviour. Behaviour that is immature given his age. Physical in terms of play fights. Can get quite frustrated at times. To an outsider the behaviour may be described as 'naughty'.

I think the advice needed is how to relate to the child and their family that doesn't lead to them feeling we don't understand.

The problem is exacerbated by the fact the father I think is dismissive of the diagnosis (mother on board) and attributes his behaviour to being a 'lad' and 'boisterous'. The father is from the school of thought that the younger generation are 'snowflakes' overly concerned with mental health and I don't think this helps the dynamic

It sounds like poor parenting

Actually, without knowing the severity of the diagnoses and the symptoms that the child has, it is impossible to make this judgment.

The correct way forward is to realise that you have absolutely no idea how hard it is to grow up as a neurodivergent child or to parent a neurodivergent child, stop making barely concealed judgements wrapped up in faux-concern, and possibly even try to extract a drop of empathy from somewhere - may be easier if you unclench slightly.

@clpsmum

I wasn't intending to be judgmental; apologies if it came across as such.

I do have a great deal of empathy with the child's mother as the parenting must be difficult.

I think we need to know what is the best way to react for everyone's benefit.

Follow the parents' lead.

@mids2019 and my apologies if I snapped just hit a nerve with me.

As a mother of a profoundly autistic son with adhd and severe learning difficulties I would advise just to bite your tongue if you can. Life is hard enough for them as it is

It sounds like poor parenting

Actually, without knowing the severity of the diagnoses and the symptoms that the child has, it is impossible to make this judgment.

^
I have worked in schools with children with very severe needs and if one child snatched another child's snack, it wouldn't be ignored and neither should this. We'd be using distraction techniques, social stories, replacing the snack with something else etc.

The snatching thing I would ask can I have those back in front of the parents. That's not giving them into trouble but is highlighting the issue.

I am a parent of 3 children with additional needs one is severely affected and will need lifetime care I would be apologetic if he took something of someone elses which he has done in public before but it got taken off him given back to the stranger with an apology from me as my child has limited verbal skill but I did have a chat to try explain we do not take strangers drinks in restaurants. I also offered to buy the stranger a drink.

My child needs rules and boundaries regardless of his disability. He does have meltdowns which we look like we are not paying attention to, It's quicker to end them that way but will try to address whatever triggered it when calm.

@mikado1

Thank you. Seems good advice.

The mother seems to be the one most engaged with the diagnosis so may be worth taking to her. The challenge is it's a difficult subject to broach (and sensitive)

In the case of the crisps, I'd have said 'Please may I have the crisps back [DC's name]'. If you say nothing and the DPs didn't notice what happened, then the DC doesn't learn that the behaviour isn't acceptable. But you don't need to chastise, nor should you, just model polite behaviour.

@washingbasketqueen but if its a fairly new diagnosis or a new behaviour, the parents might still be working on techniques and managing behaviour. They will be learning how to parent a child with those needs and the last thing they need is judgment.
It’s also pretty shitty to assume they are parenting badly from one example from the OP.

My son has ASD/ADHD. He's 11. He is very like you describe your friend's child but I still discipline him! I have still taught him to have good manners. If he snatched a bag of crisps out of somebody's hand in that way, he would get a telling off. I don't think that having spectrum disorders means you can behave badly.

@washingbasketqueen the parents may have felt overwhelmed or embarrassed. Poor parenting is something that ADHD and ASD parents are judged for all the time when it often isn’t the case.

@TheFormidableMrsC but we don’t know how new this behaviour or the diagnosis is. My dc have adhd and asd and I’d definitely not tolerate snatching (and they’ve never behaved like this), but I’m aware that some children behave differently to mine and if it’s all new to the parents then in that moment they may not have responded ‘correctly’. It doesn’t mean they won’t be teaching him manners because of this one incident.

I’ve been told one of my dc is rude because he doesn’t engage in conversation or ignores questions.

Have I taught him that it’s polite to respond to questions? Yes! Does he sometimes feel so unfocused or overwhelmed and anxious that he doesn’t respond to people? Also yes!

When I was first getting my head around his diagnosis I might not have always responded perfectly when he was ‘rude’ to someone but that is because I was learning and also felt overwhelmed.

I don't really mean talk to her op, not unless it comes up and she wants to chat etc. I mean literally follow her lead when the behaviour happens. And also reassure her it's OK, that you understand etc. Extra kindness to the child if you see them struggling.

Thank you for all the replies.

I think the parenting is draining for the parents.

I think the advice on the behaviour is sound. The thing that struck me was the frequency the parents had to respond to the child's behaviour and I can see the struggle they face on a daily basis