ADHD/Autism behaviour

[mids2019]

We are acquaintances with a family whose eldest child (around 12 years) has been diagnosed with ADHD/autism.

The child's behaviour can be quite impulsive and is occasionally prone to emotional outbursts. The child is very forward with adults (a little disrespectfuly) and his behaviour in at least our experience can be quite poor.

The problem is that I do not think it is our place to comment on the child's behaviour and certainly not to verbally chastise him. We therefore really don't know how to relate to the child and worry about saying the wrong thing to the parents? I am sure the family is stressed an do we do not want to add to to he stress by commenting on the he child's behaviour especially as it is the result of an underlying health condition but sometimes it's a challenge to remain silent.

Is there a correct way forward with this?

It's hard parenting a child who has sen. You sound judgemental.

@Bananarama21

I see this and hope I am not being judgmental. I think it is a case of understanding but objectively the child's behaviour is different. I think it's knowing what a correct response is?

@5zeds

I agree but I don't he did well at all in SATs etc

The diagnosis of a learning disability in a way might take some pressure off the family and him as currently he feels unintelligent and that actually is hard to see . I think he feels that lack of academic ability is being used to slight his character which is a shame

I get the impression that his self esteem stuffers due to his relative lack of academic success. I think there are other children who can be very mean about this which doesn't help.

I think your understanding of disability is staggeringly narrow. It’s like listening to someone say a deaf child can’t sing well and seems far behind his peers in dance. What on Earth do you think autism and adhd are? Honestly this is a disabled child helping themselves to some crisps he’s not shitting on your dining room table.

Op the behaviour HAS to be very different. That is literally how people get recognised as having these conditions.

There really is no need to respond at al to the child’s behaviour here. Leave it to parents and be a caring and supportive friend to them more generally.

@MissHavershamReturns

Makes sense. I have to say the father does not accept the diagnosis and puts his behaviour down to 'boyish behaviour'. I get the impression that being ex military and robust in his views about over sensitivity he cannot make himself accept these conditions.

The mother is a lot more receptive and I think easier to support. One thing I do not quite know what to do is how to discuss the condition with my children as firstly the child himself does not accept the diagnosis in reality. I don't know if neurological conditions are discussed in a school environment (it may help).

Why don’t you just ask the parents how you should respond? If a 6 month old snatches you don’t say anything, if an adult friend did you’d tell them to fuck off. He’ll be somewhere between those two. I’m not sure why you think a bunch of random strangers would know better when you’ve got the expert, i.e. his mum to ask.

My friends ds is nd but with quite complex needs. There are certainly some aspects of his behaviour I instinctively understand because I’m nd, some that is relevant to all dc, but for the most part it’s never occurred to me to try and figure out how I should manage/ respond to him when I can just ask her.

He certainly is not an academic child and doesn't like reading or museums for instance

Christ I don't even like these.

I don’t think you should be discussing his diagnosis with anyone. Would you like him discussing yours?

You CAN talk to your children about different needs he might have.

I think you're sounding overly invested in a child who's just an acquaintance.

You're diagnosing learning difficulties, low self esteem, commenting on his SATs results, friendship difficulties etc. Unless you're actually valise family this level of interest and discussion is too much and intrusive. It's not your business.

You have no need to analyse him or find out lots of information about ADHD. You don't live with it daily do you don't need to know how to deal with it.

Let his parents deal with any behaviour that they feel needs addressing, whether that be whilst at your house or privately once they have gone home - whatever they feel is needed.

If you want to be a supportive friend just chat to the child and parents like you would chat to anyone else. You don't need to try and get involved or try to demonstrate how understanding you are. There's very few parents who have children with additional needs who aren't already fully aware of how they and their child are being judged and compared. Nosiness disguised as fake sympathy is my own personal bugbear.

Agree completely with Lindy2 and others. Just tell your DC X learns differently to you, lots of things are much harder for him. You don't need to mention a diagnosis. We are very open about two cousins being autistic, as their families are, so I've always been clear on how somethings are harder but we've lots In common too.

OP, did you know you can be very clever and also fail SATs?

Thanks all

Really helpful and some good insights. Learnt a bit on this thread which helps .

@Lindy2

I guess maybe I was trying too hard to understand and so your advice seems sensible. You are right they are acquaintances so over investment isn't necessary.

@tunnocksreturns2019

True. I suppose it's a side issue with regard to the advantages/disadvantaged of our education system.

Anyway seems from this thread supportive friendship is the way to go without too much focus on disability.

It really is.

you sound very invested in this family and their parenting. If they are acquaintances, why does it matter so much to you? It isn’t your place to be telling another child off . Leave that to the parents.

You’re incredibly insensitive and judgmental. Autistic children have a range of behaviours which may not seem “appropriate” to you which are often very impulsive. You feel a sense of sympathy for the mother yet you still want to indirectly speak to her about the child’s behaviour that she lives with 24/7 with probably next to no support. Bluntly, do not mention it. If the child snatches a packet of crisps maybe laugh it off and say “ oh X must be really hungry today!” Or “X must really enjoy those crisps”. It’s really hard raising a child with additional needs. Most of that anxiety is mostly around how people perceive you and the child and how society is so unwarrantedly judgmental. Don’t add to that. Be a friend. Ask if there’s anything you could do to support them or anything you could do to make things a little smoother for the child.

I know this thread is old but I just read this and was so shocked. You need to try and understand that parenting a child with ASD can be unbelievably challenging and complex. It is not a simple case of setting boundaries. You have to support with different aspects of behaviour in lots of different ways. The families of children with additional needs and disabilities need support not judgement. I suggest you read and research ASD before making such comments.