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Original poster

Feel so lonely and slightly bitter

58 replies

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 13:55

I just want to have a little vent. And perhaps seek reassurance And advice.

I have 4 children, the youngest is a newborn, the oldest is 7. I am a SAHM. My DH works hard and helps a lot at home.

My parents live about 20 mins away. We are not close and I lived abroad for a decade so I am perceived as very independent. I don’t expect or receive any help from them at all.

I have friends nearby too. Old, well established friends, as well as newer friends.

But I’m so lonely. I don’t know if it’s the newborn thing. I suspect it is a bit.

But I’ve realised that, aside from my DH, no one really cares about me. I’ve realised that, despite having 4 children, no one (aside from DH) has ever so much as made me a cup of tea after my children’s births. I’ve never had a hot meal delivered or a rest while someone cares for me.

It became a lot more obvious when my friends had children and this was the norm.

I’ve also realised that my friend’s families are their priority (I mean siblings etc not their children) so I will never get a look in. They have confidantes and babysitters and ‘carers’ already, they don’t need me, and so, don’t think that I need them.

In fact, I don’t think anyone thinks about me at all!

I have no one to really talk to. It’s making me bitter, upset, lonely, but mostly despondent that this is my life!

By way of example, between April and August this year, I did not set foot inside another person’s house. Not once. 4 months, and I did not cross the threshold of another house!

Is this common?! What do others do?

(I have had other people in my house, so it’s not like I’m a total recluse!)

OP posts:

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 13:59

I think it’s pretty normal, especially when you’ve had a 4th baby. People make a fuss when you have your first.

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:00

Thanks @YumYummy , it’s not really about the children. It’s about me as a person. And no one made a fuss even after #1 🤣

OP posts:

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 14:02

What would you like others to do?

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:12

I don’t know. I think it’s more the realisation that because I am not close to my immediate family, and my friends are, I can often go for long periods of time without anyone to really speak to. They can’t see it because they have parents and siblings with whom they interact multiple times daily.

This lack of intimacy has broad reaching affects (like the cup of tea for eg!).

But it’s mostly just my loneliness that is magnified!

OP posts:

Ahbisto · 27/09/2022 14:16

I don’t know Op, usually friendship,is a two way thing, wanting folks to make you cups,of tea and deliver you hot meals is a bit much really.

organise social events where you meet for coffee or go out. That’s normal friendship But I think you’ve unrealistic expectations here on the whole babysitting tea and food etc.

VatofTea · 27/09/2022 14:19

Do people think that you don't need that level of care, because you have been so self sufficient in the past?

Can you ask your parents to help out a little more, or at least tell them you are feeling isolated and you would enjoy them popping by a little more.

Your eldest child is only 7, in another 3 or 4 years he or she will be offering to make you tea, all of your children will be more considerate to you as they mature. I think it's just your stage of parenthood, and 4 kids 7 and under is a lot. I'm sure people think you have enough company.

BTW - I don't go into other people's houses either, almost never. It's not healthy, but I think society has gone that way.

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 14:25

Could you arrange to meet your friends for a coffee or soft play and a coffee do you get a break from the house? Or could you go out with a friend when your DH isn’t working and have a bit of time for yourself, maybe ask a friend to meet you for lunch?
Your thread has got me thinking and in the 33 years since becoming a mum I can only remember it being my DH who is there to help me. I’ve never thought about it before?
Did you feel like this when you had your other babies?

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:33

@Ahbisto sorry I think you’ve misconstrued what I’m saying. I don’t expect those things at all, they were examples of things that others who have had more ‘care’ have had, things I’m ‘missing’ but not ‘wanting’ if that makes sense? But surely, someone has made you a cup of tea? When you had a newborn? Just once? That’s not the world’s biggest stretch surely?

I have my friends round to my house, I have coffee, cook dinner, we go and do all of those things.

None of these make up for the feelings of loneliness and of not feeling cared for or about. They sometimes make me feel like I’m the only one who is doing the caring in fact!

I don’t want anything from anyone but to feel cared about?

OP posts:

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:35

@VatofTea you may be right. People seem to think I’m very capable and have it together. I don’t. I mean I can do everything that we need, I just can’t ‘do’ the company!

I love going to people’s house and out with people, I’m really sociable. I think that’s maybe why I feel so alone!

OP posts:

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 14:44

I think most people rely on their partners to fulfil their ‘to feel cared about’ needs.

Do you think you could be depressed?

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:45

@YumYummy i don’t know how I felt before tbh. I’ve always felt like my family have never cared really, but I probably wasn’t bother or maybe in ‘need’ of care then as I was surrounded by people, colleagues, friends, friends at uni etc etc.

I do meet my friends etc it’s not really that it’s more a feeling of being uncared for and lonely! I don’t think I’m explaining very well!

OP posts:

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 14:49

Do you get out every day and see people?
Can you ask your DH to make a fuss of you, bring you tea and a sandwich etc?

Gruffalogruffalogruffalo · 27/09/2022 14:49

Following with interest

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 14:50

Is it that you feel a bit overwhelmed meeting all the needs of four little ones? Would booking a treat such as a massage help?

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 14:56

@YumYummy yes I think I am completely overwhelmed. That feeling of having lost myself again to children and feeling like everyone’s lives are moving on and mine is stagnant.

I was the first of my friends to have children and no one understood how hard it was. They realised while they were in the ‘thick’ of it (but had the loving support and care of their families, and of me, who understood), but now it seems I’m back to square one!

OP posts:

SpinningFloppa · 27/09/2022 15:03

I have 4 as a single parent and no one ever done any of that stuff for me when I had a baby no one delivered hot food, cooked for me, made me a cup of tea, went shopping, helped with my older kids etc and I was a single parent from pregnancy with my last child Maybe as you have a partner they think it’s his job?

mast0650 · 27/09/2022 15:05

I'm sorry OP. I'm sure you're not the only one who doesn't really have friends and family looking out for them, but I think most people have a bit more of a caring community than you describe and I don't think it is a matter of you demanding people make you hot meals! When people I know are unwell or have just had a baby (4th or otherwise) then there are usually plenty of friends and/or family offering a bit of support. And if you are hosting people at your house as you say, then it's a bit off that you never get invited to theirs.

As someone else said though, friendship is a two-way thing and you may have to do more giving before receiving. I'd try more very simple invites: just one or two people round for tea/coffee. No effort. Then people don't feel they have to make a lot of effort to return the kindness, but do feel a bit singled out and like a proper friend. You may be doing that already! If someone you know is having a tricky time, then drop something round to them or offer help if you can. If you're sharing that cuppa and feel someone might be receptive and kind then it is OK to say that you feel a little bit lonely sometimes. Just don't over do it and scare them off! Sometimes people assume you are very busy and can't possibly be lonely so don't think to reach out.

With your family, it may be that they won't change. On the other hand, they may just not want to interfere. I think with my mother I made the mistake of thinking she didn't care enough to help and I was also a bit too independent and didn't ask. Whereas she didn't want to be pushy and interfering. It was bit of a misunderstanding really, and one I regret.

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 15:12

@mast0650 thank you so much for understanding! You are absolutely right. It’s not about meals, I’m cooking dinner anyway. It’s about the caring!

I think I’ll do some more inviting, I’m just so fucking exhausted at the minute, but I will!

But thank you for saying you understand, that means a lot!

OP posts:

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 27/09/2022 15:16

You are explaining it well, OP, I understand what you are saying.

20 minutes isn’t far. Leaving aside the past, would you be welcomed if you went to your parents a bit more, alone or with the DC? Would you want to? Do you have other family? Is there any mileage there?

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 15:16

@SpinningFloppa sorry to hear it has been hard for you too.

I wish I hadn’t written those things in my OP as it has given the wrong impression. It’s not about those ‘things’. It’s about thinking of and caring about someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 15:22

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes thank you.

I know I sound very contrary, but I don’t really want to spend any time with them. They have shown me multiple times in the past that they don’t care about me as a person. They aren’t ‘bad’ people, they are just very self centred and don’t know how to show love or care.

I have a very, very superficial relationship with them.

I have no other family close by, I have a sibling who lives overseas and my DH is also from abroad. So nothing there either.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 27/09/2022 15:23

I've been on my own since divorcing when my DC were 7 and 5. I have a lot of friends but I've not had anyone to make a fuss of my birthday, make me a cup of tea or worry how my day has gone. Except now that my DD is 22 and home from uni she does it a little....

Original poster

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 15:24

@Bouledeneige how does that make you feel? Would you like your friends to do that?

OP posts:

VioletInsolence · 27/09/2022 15:37

It’s modern life OP. We’re meant to live in tribes and lots of people would have helped out after the birth of a baby. I think we’re all missing lots of things that we’re not even aware we’re missing.

Bouledeneige · 27/09/2022 15:39

I think its just a fact of life. Couples have someone to do those things single people don't. I do feel lonely from time to time - who doesn't, and I set up an organisation that was focused on addressing loneliness and isolation.

One of the benefits I suppose is that I've had a lot more independence and adventure than my friends - I have travelled a lot on my own and seen more of the world. And I check in on other's amongst my friends and family who are on their own - particularly since the lockdown was harsh on people like me. And I book up time with friends so that I know I have things to look forward to.

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