Feel so lonely and slightly bitter

[Recycledcurtains]

I just want to have a little vent. And perhaps seek reassurance And advice.

I have 4 children, the youngest is a newborn, the oldest is 7. I am a SAHM. My DH works hard and helps a lot at home.

My parents live about 20 mins away. We are not close and I lived abroad for a decade so I am perceived as very independent. I don’t expect or receive any help from them at all.

I have friends nearby too. Old, well established friends, as well as newer friends.

But I’m so lonely. I don’t know if it’s the newborn thing. I suspect it is a bit.

But I’ve realised that, aside from my DH, no one really cares about me. I’ve realised that, despite having 4 children, no one (aside from DH) has ever so much as made me a cup of tea after my children’s births. I’ve never had a hot meal delivered or a rest while someone cares for me.

It became a lot more obvious when my friends had children and this was the norm.

I’ve also realised that my friend’s families are their priority (I mean siblings etc not their children) so I will never get a look in. They have confidantes and babysitters and ‘carers’ already, they don’t need me, and so, don’t think that I need them.

In fact, I don’t think anyone thinks about me at all!

I have no one to really talk to. It’s making me bitter, upset, lonely, but mostly despondent that this is my life!

By way of example, between April and August this year, I did not set foot inside another person’s house. Not once. 4 months, and I did not cross the threshold of another house!

Is this common?! What do others do?

(I have had other people in my house, so it’s not like I’m a total recluse!)

I wonder if you are grieving for your parents who sound not very caring people.

you are being a great parent for your 4 and part of you is realising deep down you didn’t get this. That is going to hurt.

it sounds like you have a great partner and great friends to be honest. Maybe therapy to deal with the parents thing might help you feel happier?

I think people have established network around, usually started when they were at (primary) school. They have family around them, not just parents or siblings but cousins, aunts and so in plus a few old friends that date waaay back. That’s their support network. The people they are in touch on a daily/weekly.

And then they have friends, more or less close but those are NOT people they would contact in a crisis, nor are they people they would be willing to go out if their way for. They are people to have fun with, go out, have a ‘mum talk’ with etc….

If you are new to the area, don’t get on with your family or have moved away etc… then by default your network is very small and you get very little support. The friends won’t be filling that gap either.

At least that’s how it works where I live.
Which also means you end up very isolated despite inviting people etc… They just don’t ‘need’ you iyswim so never really reciprocate.

I rarely go to other people's houses. I think the last time I was in someone else's house was in 2021, and before that was in 2019. However I don't have many friends and I don't live close to the ones I do have.

And I've never had anyone really care for me either. I was a single parent and never really had a long term partner, the ones I've had either lived too far away or just wasn't the caring type (my ex). It's so bad that whenever I have to get a medical procedure done and need a driver either I don't get the procedure done or I have to hire an agency to help me out. It does make me feel lonely.

I'm wondering, could this be more deep seated and more to do with the lack of closeness with your family? Is this something you could address? My Mum has never been particularly the nurturing type. She never cried when she saw me in my wedding dress, isn't a hugger etc. I'm the complete opposite and although I have friends and DH I often feel lonely. I recently fell and broke my ankle. It was agony! Nobody other than my DH really cared though and it made me so 😔
I wonder if more of us feel alone than we'd care to admit

This is the problem I have.
I also commited the critical error of working through the nursery years so not bonding with the cliques at school, not helped by a child with ASD who wouldn't want playdates galore. I'm neither a working parent with that interaction from the work place nor fitting with those who work part time/ have much younger children.

The friends I have aren't free in the daytime when I'm free and everyone's busy at weekends. There isn't much SAHM culture here so there aren't avaliable women of my age group to connect with. Plus the (non) local family issues.

It's a lonely stage of life.

I think sometimes people need a way to help, if you were to show a little bit of vulnerability you'd be surprised at who comes forward to support you. I'm "lucky" enough to have a chronic illness that sometimes flares up and it's allowed some of the people in my life to show their best side. I do make sure to pay it forward when Im healthy.

Four children is tricky as it's quite a large amount for someone to invite over, they are also just that little bit young to be caring to you in return. However, you are clearly building a lovely happy family and in a few years they'll be making you (cold) tea and cakes out of play doh to show they love you.

I completely get you. I’m the same, no one’s ‘go to’, plenty people to say hi and have a chat to and if I invite/organise many that say yes straight away but no one that thinks of me first. They all have someone else, more important in their lives. I think it is in part being independent, over the years I’ve very much developed that way, got hurt, pushed away perhaps to a degree but now everyone has their foundation and priorities and none of them are me! It does hurt and I go through phases where I just stop arranging things almost in protest but it doesn’t really get me anywhere as nobody really notices and then I’ll just start to try arranging things again. This is happening less and less at the moment though, in truth I’m starting to feel like I can’t be bothered anymore and thinking perhaps an anti social life would just be less bothersome after all!
Good luck in trying to find someone to be your person.

Thanks everyone for being so understanding, and I’m sorry to everyone who feels similarly left out.

In my own circumstances, my friends are actually from school (primary!), I am from the locality where I now live (although not the immediate area). Although obviously I did live abroad for a long time! I did return frequently and the friendships were well maintained.

So I think many might be right in the observation that it’s more of a deep seated issue with my parents maybe.

Interestingly, I do know that my ‘function’ within my main friendship group is to be the ‘reliable’ one. I never change or break plans, I organise stuff and see it through, I am the person who everyone asks what’s going on.

Its not a role I like tbh, and in many ways I feel overwhelmed by that too, in addition to the billion children I have and limited additional support. So perhaps the idea of me being independent and very self sufficient is pervasive!