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Original poster

Feel so lonely and slightly bitter

58 replies

Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 13:55

I just want to have a little vent. And perhaps seek reassurance And advice.

I have 4 children, the youngest is a newborn, the oldest is 7. I am a SAHM. My DH works hard and helps a lot at home.

My parents live about 20 mins away. We are not close and I lived abroad for a decade so I am perceived as very independent. I don’t expect or receive any help from them at all.

I have friends nearby too. Old, well established friends, as well as newer friends.

But I’m so lonely. I don’t know if it’s the newborn thing. I suspect it is a bit.

But I’ve realised that, aside from my DH, no one really cares about me. I’ve realised that, despite having 4 children, no one (aside from DH) has ever so much as made me a cup of tea after my children’s births. I’ve never had a hot meal delivered or a rest while someone cares for me.

It became a lot more obvious when my friends had children and this was the norm.

I’ve also realised that my friend’s families are their priority (I mean siblings etc not their children) so I will never get a look in. They have confidantes and babysitters and ‘carers’ already, they don’t need me, and so, don’t think that I need them.

In fact, I don’t think anyone thinks about me at all!

I have no one to really talk to. It’s making me bitter, upset, lonely, but mostly despondent that this is my life!

By way of example, between April and August this year, I did not set foot inside another person’s house. Not once. 4 months, and I did not cross the threshold of another house!

Is this common?! What do others do?

(I have had other people in my house, so it’s not like I’m a total recluse!)

OP posts:
YumYummy · 27/09/2022 15:47

Do you think your feelings stem from lack of family help or support/caring from friends or a combo of both?

SimonaRazowska · 27/09/2022 15:49

Life with 4 young kids must be tough, but you must have chosen that because you love kids and bet with them? Is that a fair assumption?

It is normal to feel a bit vulnerable and wanting to feel cared about a bit. I get that too. As a mum you are constantly "giving" and it's exhausting

Ahbisto · 27/09/2022 15:51

*But surely, someone has made you a cup of tea? When you had a newborn?8

my husband, yes but no no one came to my house to make me tea. In fact if I had visitors I made the tea.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/09/2022 15:56

What is your children’s behaviour like, if you can be in any way objective about it? I have an acquaintance who probably feels similarly to you, but her DC are such poorly parented obnoxious little cunts that nobody wants to invite her over or out anywhere because they just cause a scene and make the whole experience unpleasant for everyone.

If you’re reasonably sure it isn’t anything like that then I think often you do have to tell people around you what you’d like from them. I don’t think it’s really all that common that lots of people will “care” and come and express that without it being indicated that you’d like them to. The people I know who get a lot of support are good at asking for it.

Bearsporridge · 27/09/2022 16:02

I hear you op. I have a small family that I’m fairly close to but most of my close friends have big families and when it came to bridesmaids, godmothers, babysitters etc they already had a full complement.

Also growing up on shows where there is a big group of friends who are always there for each other, has made me feel a bit of a failure in life.

But really we’re doing well if we have dh’s making us cups of tea!

Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:08

@YumYummy I think it’s a combo. I think possibly the family support (not just help, but emotional support etc) that my friends have limit the amount they can give (possibly as they don’t seek from me what I seek from them?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:09

@SimonaRazowska thank you. It is hard. Let’s just say, the 4th was a little twist of fate 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:12

@ComtesseDeSpair no, the children are actually lovely. They are constantly invited for play dates and genuinely people tell me how lovely they are all the time. (Of course they are wee pricks occasionally too, but not on the whole!)

I think I really struggle to ask for help or express myself as I don’t want to be a nuisance!

OP posts:
Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:15

@Bearsporridge thank you so much for saying this, this is exactly how I can feel! I’ll never be a bridesmaid or a godmother or whatever, just like you say (by the way these things aren’t important to me at all, but just that general being an ‘outsider’)

You are right, I know I have a ridiculous amount to be thankful for, which I really am!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 27/09/2022 16:15

Hi op yes I know what you mean. If older ones on playdates could you get out for a while. We never had much help my mother felt she reared us. It was hard. I would see school mams with tons help. It can be lonely i know what u mean

Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:18

@Mary46 thanks for understanding! I do get out a lot. It’s not that ‘type’ of loneliness really. I go out every day. It’s more the feeling of never being ‘seen’ or something like that.

Gah I don’t know how to explain!

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 27/09/2022 16:24

I understand OP. I felt so sorry for myself when I had DC - the last of the family to have kids, so the excitement of having grandchildren had totally worn off for my parents who lioved nearby but showed little interest and zero practical support. I had babysat DSis and DBro's kids, picked them up from school, had them overnight, for the weekend, while they were in labour with No 2 etc. But I got no help at all. It just hurts. People kept saying how brilliantly I coped but there wasn't much choice.

One pathetic thing (as in - I felt so sorry for myself) was a friend who had a baby six months before me had a mutual friend birng her a lovely home cooked meal and some other presents. When that friend visited me, she expected me to make her tea and listen to her work problems. She didn't think I'd need dinner as I'd be fine.

I used to spend so much time helping ohters the way I longed to be helped myself - cooking for people who had newborns or sick children etc, while I was run ragged at home. In the end I just stopped. I felt very glad I had DH (and I am so glad you have your DH making you tea etc - long term, a strong marriage is worth way mmore than the rest.) I toughened up a lot, in a way I'd prefer not to have, but i stopped trying hard with other people, stopped making effort. Eventually i found I had a handful of local friends who made the effort with me. And I cherish them.

Dalaidramailama · 27/09/2022 16:26

Don’t worry with 4 kids there’s a good chance you’ll have lots of lovely connections when you’re older.

M0rT · 27/09/2022 16:30

It's being another person's number 1 priority. You are that for your DH, and he yours but in friendship terms that role is taken by your friends parents/siblings.
So while they would describe you as a close friend and mean it. It's not as close as you need because that need isn't being met by a sibling/parents etc for you.
I think maybe all you can do is lean in to your DH, and if you have friends who also don't have strong sibling relationships work on strengthening your friendship with them?
The house thing might be your friends thinking they are helpful, I've no children so often offer to call to friends who do to save them packing them up and carting them around.
They are always welcome in my home.

Ahbisto · 27/09/2022 16:41

Does you husband care for you? Does he make you Cups of tea and dinner? Do you have social engagements,,going out for a drink, meal etc?

i am struggling a little as you say you have all these friends.but go on to say they don’t need you. My friends don’t need me, but we spend a lot of time together but I don’t need them to care for me, in the manner you describe.

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 16:50

i have 3DC and lots of my friends have 4. We often chatted when the DC were younger all said we never get invites from our other groups of friends who have 0/1/2 DC. I think people can find big families a bit overwhelming.

YumYummy · 27/09/2022 16:52

Do you like any of your friends more than the others, could you focus on that person and see if they can become a best friend who share things with?

Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:56

@goldfinchonthelawn oh my goodness I can totally relate to this. I really try to be a good friend and I try to bring food and comfort and be thoughtful etc.

I have also found myself pulling away a little. This has possibly been what has brought this all
up, as it’s almost like no one has noticed!

I also get the whole ‘coping’ thing. It drives me nuts too and adds to this inner feeling I have of ‘well what do I have to do to appear not to be coping?!’ (I mean I would obvs never let it get that far of course!)

I’m interested that you have a sister, I had thought a lot of my feeling emanated from not having one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 16:56

@M0rT you have explained my feelings so exactly thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 17:04

@YumYummy yes I think that has a lot to do with it, which is why I’ve always invited people here as I understand we are a bit of a unit 🤣

Of the friends who I am thinking about largely when I am writing, we have been friends for over 30 years. I get along better with one than the other, but plans with her are frequently quashed to do something with her family unfortunately!

OP posts:
YumYummy · 27/09/2022 17:08

How about any of your newer friends? If you get a good bond with one then you may start sharing feeling with them and then could to lead to them texting to see how you are or how such and such went etc? This may fill the not being cared for void?

BigFatLiar · 27/09/2022 17:08

I sort of get where you're at. I was always close to my family and even though I was grown up with children and a career sometimes my mum or dad would simply give me a hug and I wasn't the mum or wife or manager I was their little girl and I knew they loved me, it was different and comforting.

nancydroo · 27/09/2022 17:18

It's all about the children now. Parents are just background. Anything you give yourself takes away from them. Has taken me years to realise this. My life is over. Just have to give the kids the best start.

Original poster
Recycledcurtains · 27/09/2022 17:18

@BigFatLiar that sounds lovely! I don’t think I’ve hugged a parent in about 10 years! And certainly it wasn’t comfortable!

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 27/09/2022 17:30

I understand what you're feeling very well. I've had to work pretty hard on friendships and over the years have come across one or two friends who have felt the same (I think) and so we have become a support for each other. But it takes time and work to cultivate. Atm you have a newborn which is all encompassing. When you come up for air (you will!) take those opportunities to meet people. My closest friends I met at the school gates. Take heart, you won't always feel like this.