How to discipline a child with autism. Help me!

[LightningStrikesAgain]

My 9yr old DS (with HFA) was extremely rude today; he knew I was getting cross and he continued; he then laughed when I got cross. This all occurred when I had asked him to come off of his Xbox and he was still playing 30 minutes later in spite of repeated requests to come off. I turned it off and the rudeness started.

As a consequence, I told him there would be no more Xbox today. He was unbothered and aloof at the time but now it has come to the time he would have had it, he has had a complete meltdown.

He has cried and sobbed uncontrollably for two hours. It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m sat with him, offering reassurance, explaining I understand it’s upsetting but behaviour has consequences.

I won’t give up now but how do others get this right when autism and the need for expectation and routine are high in force?

Do I let him have it?

Is he able to understand when his behaviour is rude and stop himself?

If yes then I think the consequence is reasonable and it's a shame that he is upset by it but that you should maintain your stance.

If he isn't able to understand he is being rude or control it then you are giving him a consequence for something outside his control which seems unfair.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime I think he does. He knows the difference between right and wrong, what is kind , what is not and so on.

He did say he didn’t think at the time , but I did remind him he was being incredibly defiant.

It's very difficult. We just had to let most things go. For us, it has got better with age.

Ours would have huge meltdowns that would be forgotten about five minutes later but I would still be fuming five hours later.

Don't back track or your upset is all for nothing and he will exploit your weakness. I like your communication style. ASD kids are trickier.

I think you should stick it out. His reaction will be more extreme, but you are looking to the future here. You might like to think though about what your consequences are in the future so that you are 100 per cent sure that the punishment fits the crime. I think that giving in now reinforces the behaviour you don't want.

Oh gosh, this is a hard one. (I have autism and I am trying to think back to what worked/didn't work for me but your son is different to me and he has a mum who cares very much!)

Firstly I would say you didn't do the "wrong" thing. And you are right to continue with the taking away of the x-box, despite the reaction, but he sounds like he is really quite distressed atm, so obviously he is breaking your heart a bit.

Did you warn him about the loss of xbox for the rest of the day? That's one thing that I needed when I was young, warnings of possible outcomes?

You know your son and you know that his rudeness/defiance was not normal for him and you were right to call it out and to insert consequences. The only thing I would ask you, and I am loathe to do this because it sounds like I am making excuses or blaming, when I really am not. But I was only ever rude to people when I was struggling a bit? has he been struggling at all? or is this maybe hormonal? This is probably me projecting and asking about things that aren't relevant.

A meltdown like that will be exhausting, you are doing the right things sitting with him and reassuring him, you sound amazing tbh. He is very lucky to have you!

I have a 7yr old with ASD and all consequences have to be immediate we cant do something like take away his tablet as he simply cant connect the action to the consequence several hours later and it causes him to become very distressed.

Personally I have found taking away something as a punishment (son with ASD, now 16) to be very ineffective and cause a lot of stress all round. I have found it most effective to not do something for him until he apologises if he's been rude, and then to demonstrate better behaviour for a while. He will not get over having something taken off of him, for a very long time. And I mean days!! He keeps thinking back to what he sees as an injustice. Took me a long time to work this one out, although I was always puzzled as to why the 'usual' punishments weren't working. I don't really think punishment worked or was necessary and I regret some of that as I didn't understand. A lot of so called punishments were really me getting my own back, but I didn't understand that then. A short term consequence is far more effective. Which really is when he's rude, I won't make him a drink or do his washing for example, until he apologises and stops speaking to me like that. It's still an ongoing conundrum really!!

Oh god it's hard, isn't it?

I think I would have turned off the Xbox myself and just ignored or removed myself from the comments. I'm not sure my child would make the connection between being rude earlier and no Xbox later?

I would have quietly seethed about the comments and beat myself up about it though.

When he laughed at you, are you sure you understand why? My autistic child often laughs when he’s being told off, when he sees someone upset, when I’m angry - it’s not because he actually thinks it’s funny it’s because he finds big emotions, especially other people’s, overwhelming and doesn’t outwardly respond in a typical/“appropriate” way. I used to get even angrier at him for laughing at me for telling him off but it just made things worse - when my son does it he’s not being defiant, he’s just unsure how to react.

I would do and have done the exact same thing today. Stick it out. It is a very important lesson he needs to learn, even if it is much harder for him to learn than other children.

Also agree with our autistic DS, when younger, any consequences must be immediate not delayed - there was zero connection otherwise.

Now he's older, we can remove electronics from him as a consequence but usually with the caveat that changing his behaviour, turning it around, apologising and learning from it will mean he may earn it back - this works the best for us as it gives him something to focus on and it does genuinely mean he learns from it. Once you're in meltdown territory though, it's virtually impossible to salvage!

Don't expect children with autism to communicate, respond and act in the way that neurotypical adults will expect though. You kind of need to make your own rule book.

I also found removing things didn't work for my ds with autism.

Not even because he had meltdowns.

My lovely but completely nutty ds is so routine driven he would just do the behaviour again - then hand me his iPad 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

He could connect action to consequence but not on an NT level that he could change it.

I'd try things like now and next. Now it's iPad for X amount of time (set a visual timer) after it's xxxxxx

So he can see the time ending and he is able to transition better because he has something concrete he's transitioning to.

Autistic minds can be wonderfully complex and even though my ds is now 18 I'm still learning about how his mind works.

But no - my da would be surprised about an actual consequence happening hours later. He just didn't have enough or any concept of time to really understand what it meant in concrete terms.

I did stick it out and all is calm again. Thank you for the insightful posts, they’re very helpful.

To answer some questions. I am confident he can make the link between a consequence being implemented at a later time in the day.

I do make allowances for him being rude when he’s upset (and I ignore the laughing as I know that’s not intentional) as I know he can’t regulate his emotions in the same way as me, but today was another level. He was deliberately goady and uncooperative to simple requests.

Now he has calmed down , he has apologised for his behaviour earlier. I accepted his apology and let him know I understood he was sorry.

I did however, refuse to accept his apology for melting down. I explained he does not need to apologise for as it’s part of who he is and he has no control over it.

I can assure you I am not amazing! I lost my cool with his behaviour earlier (I apologised) and I feel like I’m living on the edge with three SN DC. I’m constantly in battle zone, DH and I haven’t had a break for years and I can feel I’m starting to become extremely frazzled to the point I often wonder if something is going to tip me in to lunacy.

I try. I try my best, but duck me it is hard and exhausting and draining and I have not a clue what I am doing from day to day .

What is an alternative to removing things? The only thing DS cares about is his Xbox; he has screen time allowances but it’s all he wants to do.

It was an immediate consequence in that he was told his Xbox time was finished for the day at the time of the behaviour, but it was delayed in respect that he realised later in the day it was not happening.

DS is generally a well behaved boy but the main issues we are experiencing with him are rudeness, talking back and saying very mean things to his siblings (when it’s uncalled for). Telling him off for it does not work and it’s happening daily.

Today’s behaviour was an extension of that in that he was goady and defiant.

Can anyone elaborate on what works for them?

Removing his Xbox is counter productive as it will help him regulate. I don't know about a punishment for 'rude' behaviour, as in what it could be. Neither of mine would have understood the rude aspect and I probably would have ignored it.

DS is generally a well behaved boy but the main issues we are experiencing with him are rudeness, talking back and saying very mean things to his siblings (when it’s uncalled for). Telling him off for it does not work and it’s happening daily.

I think you are looking for a NT behaviour in an autistic child here tbh.

I'm interested in answers for this too. My son is nine and we find him really hard work. He does have ASD. He's very bright and has good friends.

He refuses to apologise for anything. Yesterday he threw water at me and I'm still upset by it. It's as if he has forgotten. No consequence works.

@piegone I assure you , I’m not. My job is to guide him to grow up in to a well rounded adult. There is a huge difference between being blunt or literal to being downright rude and sometimes mean which would never be acceptable anywhere.

Punishments often don't work for ND children.

Natural consequences can work over time.

Generally with those who have autism you have to use the carrot and stick approach.

Stick to regular routines and use visuals such as timers.

For Xbox time for example have a daily limit. Let him choose when and how he splits this. Usually best to have 2 slots.

If he goes over the first time it's time used up and the second shot is shorter.

Sorry pressed send too soon.

Also you can need to use actual ways to stop them. So screen time settings. They get the warnings but it stops automatically when it's ended.

So rather than try and connect him not having it later with not coming off earlier if he doesn't end it finishes. You may still get the meltdown at first but then it's over. They learn finish means finish.

@itsgettingweird We do have slots for him and he has clear boundaries of when his slot ends but he overruns because he’s not finished in spite of multiple warnings to save or end the game in 15, 10 , 5 minute intervals. Visual timers are ignored. The automatic switch off is a good idea, I’ll see if I can set that up.

Did you give him a 10 minute/5 minute warning that he needed to finish off what he was doing or did you just tell him it was time for it to go off now? Giving warning when my DS was younger was absolutely crucial. Did you warn him that if he didn't switch it off/if he continued to be rude then there would be no more xbox or did you just take it away without warning? I've always found that the better I parented ds the better he responded and that generally meant putting that bit more thought and effort in.

When ds was rude I'd say 'please don't speak to me like that it's rude' and walk away. To me it's a little like a toddler, you have to keep giving that message out for quite a while before it sinks in and they get it. Never ever bother getting drawn into an argument, they won't give in! Literally never!

I’ve had another conversation with DS to ask if he understood why he had his time removed. He explained the parts I was most cross about, so I’m confident he’s understood.

Removing anything from Dd made her meltdown indescribably, or she didn’t care.

She found computers soothing and calming, so l never removed them. She’s 16 now, and entirely able to self regulate.