How to discipline a child with autism. Help me!

[LightningStrikesAgain]

My 9yr old DS (with HFA) was extremely rude today; he knew I was getting cross and he continued; he then laughed when I got cross. This all occurred when I had asked him to come off of his Xbox and he was still playing 30 minutes later in spite of repeated requests to come off. I turned it off and the rudeness started.

As a consequence, I told him there would be no more Xbox today. He was unbothered and aloof at the time but now it has come to the time he would have had it, he has had a complete meltdown.

He has cried and sobbed uncontrollably for two hours. It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m sat with him, offering reassurance, explaining I understand it’s upsetting but behaviour has consequences.

I won’t give up now but how do others get this right when autism and the need for expectation and routine are high in force?

Do I let him have it?

I am also a firm believer that being respectful is nothing to do with being ND or NT. There’s a huge difference between being blunt or literal to being obnoxious and rude .

But this is one of the key diagnostic criteria for ASD. The inadvertently saying things that other people think are rude/disrespectful and not quite understanding why they react the way they do. It actually has a lot to do with being ND.

School used some kind of version of the naughty step (we call it a thinking step in our house) for behaviour and to be honest I was never a fan of it but it really worked for DS, my older DDs who never really had it refer to it as the progressive thinking step.

Like you I don’t want to be doing something he can’t cope with, like banning tech for prolonged periods, but equally I want him to get the message that bad behaviour isn’t tolerated. There is a really fine line with ASD because I think the condition inherently creates a lot of internal shaming (where someone starts to believe there is something wrong with them) and shame and embarrassment are two of the most uncomfortable emotions and for children with emotional dysregulation it is a question of really limiting exposing children to these emotions when they often already feel badly about themselves for noticing that they are different from other children.

It is a tricky one but I think ultimately positive stuff like setting timers to end games, positive reinforcement, motivation via promises to do things they like and natural consequences work best as they get older.

Some great advice on this thread. Can anyone recommend a parenting book for autistic children that has been helpful/ accurate please?

Re: book recs - Ross Greene, Explosive child.

@Discovereads I didn’t explain myself properly. I’m aware DS will not grasp rudeness in the same concept as I do. However , he is very aware of what is very blatant rudeness as we have taught him this over the years.

He knows that he won’t get in trouble for wording things his way or being blunter than I’d expect but he will get in trouble for telling me to shut up for example. He knows the difference.

I just wanted to update this thread. DS had an appointment this morning so I allowed him some time on his Xbox before we left.

When it was time to leave , he was off spot on time. No whining, no back talking and he came off co-operative and happy. This is a huge contrast to yesterday.

At the time I posted, I was unsure if I had handled it correctly and it’s often difficult as parents to know if what you’re doing is right. Really, who does get it right? It’s all about perception and I often think we’re too hard on ourselves.

I digress; It was an extreme move for me to remove his Xbox but I felt the behaviour warranted it and it appears he has understood that there were consequences even if he couldn’t accept it at the time.

I know this won’t always be the case, but there’s some great tips on this thread I’m going to try so I’m pleased I posted .

Thank you all for the support.

Brilliant @LightningStrikesAgain it really is trial and error with all our children really but particularly with children with ASD for whom the norm is very different. I don’t know if there are partnering classes in your area but I have found them invaluable for getting advice. Often the better advice comes from the parents in the same boat rather than just the professional guidance but it is all thought provoking and helpful.

Parenting

That’s true. As they grasp what is rude and what is not, you can definitely have consequences for things they know are rude (for our DC it did take repetition though, they never got it or remembered the first time). Thank you for updating the thread. I’m so happy for you that he’s doing much better today.

I think the best thing you can do is ask for advice from autistic people.

Google ‘Harry Thompson PDA punishment’.
Harry is autistic and has lots of useful advice on punishment taken from the autistic perspective.
on Facebook, he is Harry Thompson PDA Extraordinaire.

With kindness, you are making the assumption that OP is not autistic.

I'm autistic. I'm not autistic in the exact same way my DC is...and honestly, where we do have overlap between our traits that does not make me an expert in parenting someone with those traits.

This all occurred when I had asked him to come off of his Xbox and he was still playing 30 minutes later in spite of repeated requests to come off.

Not rtft but this jumped out at me. What would have happened if you'd held that turning off the Xbox boundary immediately rather than waiting 30 minutes? Maybe he would have reacted exactly the same but maybe not. I personally find it very frustrating if someone says something needs to happen but makes no move to ensuring it happens.

My DD is only 2 and NT as far as I am aware but I have been very consistent with holding boundaries and I notice that her behaviour is a lot more compliant with me than with DH who does a lot of "time to turn off your tablet, ok turn it off now, no more videos, it really is time to turn it off" then she gets pissed off when he finally forces the tablet to be turned off as she doesn't really realise it's going to happen as the previous times he's said "ok, no more screen time" nothing has happened. Sorry if that's a bit jumbled but basically only say something if you really mean it and are going to follow through with it immediately, it makes them feel more secure with what you're saying.

my grandson of 3 and a half in ireland has recently been diagnosed with ASDlevel 3. His mum,my daughter is at her wits end in controlling him, he is completely non verbal and getting violent, kicks and bites her during meltdowns especially. she is 14 weeks pregnant and I'm worried when he hurts her so much. Any suggestions as to how to stop him biting and kicking?

One of mine was like this from 2yrs old. Only thing that worked was to keep your distance. Give them a big sofa pillow to punch and kick. Don’t try and physically restrain them or stop them. Just give them a safe object to vent the meltdown on and space to get it out and then they’ll come to you for a cuddle when it passes.

The use of functioning labels ('HFA') is outdated and ableist and can be counter productive and even harmful.