How to discipline a child with autism. Help me!

[LightningStrikesAgain]

My 9yr old DS (with HFA) was extremely rude today; he knew I was getting cross and he continued; he then laughed when I got cross. This all occurred when I had asked him to come off of his Xbox and he was still playing 30 minutes later in spite of repeated requests to come off. I turned it off and the rudeness started.

As a consequence, I told him there would be no more Xbox today. He was unbothered and aloof at the time but now it has come to the time he would have had it, he has had a complete meltdown.

He has cried and sobbed uncontrollably for two hours. It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m sat with him, offering reassurance, explaining I understand it’s upsetting but behaviour has consequences.

I won’t give up now but how do others get this right when autism and the need for expectation and routine are high in force?

Do I let him have it?

LightningStrikesAgain
You are doing the exact right thing. (have ASD dc, also am Senco for family of schools, 20ys exp).
I have learnt that whilst many of us parents try so hard to be understanding, it is so much kinder in the long run to be strict in expectation.
Yes - you're rude, I tell you what will happen (lose electronics) then this happens.
Difference between NT and ND - ND have noisy, uncontrolled meltdowns.
End result - both NT and ND kids accept their actions have consequences for those they love.
It's hard, so hard. But I know my job is to try to prepare my DC for the world. The world won't bend for them.
Good luck.

You're doing a v valuable job of recognising what is behaviour, and what is autism. School will thank you for it.

@Choconut Yes he had the interval warnings and then when his time was up, he had repeated requests to turn it off. He carried on for another thirty minutes and then when I got cross, he became rude and defiant so I switched it off. He does know that this kind of behaviour will result in loss of time but in the moment I didn’t think to repeat it .

I try to adapt my parenting to his needs but I don’t always get it right. I do think that he will get the message today but I just never know if I’m doing it right. The guilt itself drains me.

I think you can set xbox so it times out automatically.

It's hard but I try to step away and only impose a consequence later when everyone has calmed down. Otherwise its super easy to impose an extreme punishment because you're upset. I would probably have reduced screen time rather than complete ban.

Why do you think your son will respect you, or sympathise or empathise with you better if you punish him? What part of being punished do you think will help his social communication?

Remember, many autistics don't 'feel' authority or hierarchy in the way NTs do. So, you shouldn't take for granted that he'll treat you any differently simply because you are an adult/parent. In my experience (I'm autistic and have two autistic children), you'll get back what you give. Give respect, get respect. Punish and expect to be punished in return.

I think this just goes to confirm that's exactly what you are doing. You are looking for a way to make him 'fit'.

@Thenose What do you suggest I do then? (Genuinely interested, I’m not being goady).

His behaviour would not have been accepted in a classroom setting for example, at all. If there are no consequences, how will he learn what is and is not acceptable?

He is a lovely boy and I try my best to adapt my parenting to his needs, but I am also a firm believer that being respectful is nothing to do with being ND or NT. There’s a huge difference between being blunt or literal to being obnoxious and rude . How would ignoring that benefit him?

I’ve had repeated conversations with him about how he talks to others and it doesn’t sink in. His behaviour hit another level today and there were consequences. I don’t believe it is to with his ND per se, it just so happens that his reaction was because of his diversity.

Sounds like you did the right thing. He’s Autistic so his emotional regulation difficulties will mean that his reactions to things like punishments will seem extreme.
It doesn’t mean you should do it. It’s not like your doing anything cruel.

I am also a firm believer that being respectful is nothing to do with being ND or NT.

But he has a developmental disability which affects his communication and understanding?

@piegone So you think it would be acceptable for a ND child to be rude and defiant simply because they have autism? You are doing them no favours.

So you think it would be acceptable for a ND child to be rude and defiant simply because they have autism? You are doing them no favours

I have actually done the very best for my children. The biggest part of that is understanding them. Please don't get all defensive and have a go. I was offering genuine advice for you, not attacking.

@piegone A ND child in my DH’s class told him to ‘fuck off’ , the child was given sanctions. He has autism and therefore his understanding of communication is hindered. By your idea, this is completely acceptable because hey, he has autism?

I think you know that's not what I was saying here, but again, you are lashing out defensively rather then taking on board, even if you dismiss the advice later, what I have said. I shall bow out now and wish you and your DS all the best.

@piegone you were being critical and telling me repeatedly I am trying to make him “fit”. No explanation how you came to that conclusion, just that I’m trying to make him fit. From one post you deduced that . I am not lashing out or being defensive , I just don’t understand how you have formed such opinion when I’ve repeatedly said the opposite is true.

@piegone I have no doubt you’ve done the best for your DC (we are all trying to and we all try to understand our DC) . My point is your post came across as critical (there was no advice in your posts). I was trying to understand your viewpoint.

I’m frazzled to say the least! DS meltdown triggered eldest DS to melt down too. I apologise if my post came across as snippy.

You need a long term strategy, one that doesn’t focus on his behaviour because that can make him feel attacked and he’ll be so busy feeling that, he won’t be able to take in what you are saying.

Try pointing out and discussing rudeness as a concept when you see it in movies or books, that sort of thing. Ask him what he thinks, how he would feel if someone said something like that to him. It needs to be separate from his behaviour, he will make that link himself in time. But you need to do this regularly, at least once a week and it needs to be organic.

Don't engage in arguments over it, if he’s rude to you just say, “that hurt my feelings” (don’t say “you”) or “wow, that was rude” keep it clinical and don’t get emotional. By getting emotional you are putting pressure on him to take responsibility for your emotions as well as his behaviour and I know that the two are linked in your head, but for him it’s too much to process, so you won’t get the desired response.

Its all about the long game. Trying to do things too fast can often result in it taking longer.

His response today upset you and you responded to it by trying to coerce him using punishment. You reaffirmed to him that if someone does or says something that upsets him (such as his mum asking him to turn off his game), he should coerce them to behave in a way he likes better. You've made the behaviour you don't want more likely.

I can't tell you exactly what I would have done, because I don't know what he did/said, him, or the circumstances. However, it would almost certainly have involved talking about his feelings and my own in a calm and objective way, articulating his feelings for him, telling him exactly what I'd have liked to see/hear and why, and thinking about what we might do differently in the future. Your son needs extra support to understand NT social communication, and incidents like this are opportunities for insight. Don't waste them.

@IsleofDen I like this approach and I will try this starting tomorrow.

@Thenose I did talk to him about his feelings and our reactions once he had calmed down but in the moment it was impossible as he had stopped listening.

Lots of great advice here, thank you.

It’s very hard. DS Is 14 with asd he’s very rarely rude, and when he has exhibited bad behaviour we just leave him alone for as long as needed and he will apologise unless he believes he is right in which the conversation just ends. The first time we tried to punish him and take his iPad away it resulted in a 2 hour meltdown which included throwing things and banging doors along with screaming. We realised that his iPad is his saving grace , so when he’s angry it’s what calms him down. All kids with asd have different triggers. You’ve just gotta find the easiest way for you.

There's a lot of pressure to treat challenging behaviour punitively, and it can be scary to let go of those ideas. There's a fear that if you do 'nothing', the behaviour will worsen. However, the alternative to punishing is not doing nothing. You can do lots. I agree that IsleofDen's advice was very good.

You obviously adore him and have the very best intentions, or you wouldn't be asking whether you'd done the right thing and opening yourself up to criticism on here. Give yourself a break. If you just keep analysing emotions, behaviour and communication aloud, you'll give him a massive advantage.

I haven't got anything useful to add OP but my 7 year old is very similar, we are currently on a long pathway towards ASD assessment but we are still trying to work out how best to manage his behaviour and help him, have found lots of the replies very helpful. Wishing you and your son all the best.

I'd turn it off immediately or set it to come off.

Difference with NT and and brains is an NY person can appreciate they've taken the piss and had an extra 30 minutes.

A ND brain just thinks - the boundary has been stretch and doesn't understand why that's not ok.

Teaching the boundaries is necessary. But you do have to be stricter with ND children.

If I have my ds an inch he would keep going for a mile. As soon as a boundary was loosened he'd lose control and stop being able to self regulate.

It's tiring but worth it in the end!

Should add that it's because autism is a communication difficulty. They understand words but connecting them to meaning is the challenge.

So if you're saying "it's finished" and yet they are continuing and continue for 5/10/30 minutes they struggle to connect "it's finished" with it finishing.

It's really worth have those battles at a young age and showing them.

I still have to explain to my 18yo that words have meaning. You can't just use any old set of words and expect the response you want if the words don't mean that!

Hello OP, I have two DC with ASD. One is 22 and one 18, and one is a gamer although xBox is far inferior to PlayStation according to them…anyway so I’ve been where you are.

My 9yr old DS (with HFA) was extremely rude today; he knew I was getting cross and he continued; he then laughed when I got cross. This all occurred when I had asked him to come off of his Xbox and he was still playing 30 minutes later in spite of repeated requests to come off. I turned it off and the rudeness started.

DC with autism are legendary for being rude while being completely oblivious as to in what way they were being rude. Even after you’ve explained it patiently backwards, forwards, sidewards, they often to do not and cannot understand why you think they were being rude. So, over the years we’ve never punished them for rudeness what we do is have thick skins, not take it personally and gently suggest better ways to express themselves in future. We then reinforce it by reminding and repetition..it’s the only way they can learn social graces.

In terms of limiting game time, wed say right you have two hours to game, we’d set a timer with an alarm that goes off after 1hr 50mins. At that point, we’d say next save point or next level please save and shut down the game for now. So they had ten minutes or so to wrap the game up. We did it at first, but then gradually they’d set the timer and follow it. It then transitioned into the teen years when the danger is playing until 3am…this helped because we’d say set your phone alarm for 11:30 and same thing, when it goes off wrap up the game get it to where you can stop. This means they’d be off the gaming, teeth brushed and going to sleep by midnight.

As a consequence, I told him there would be no more Xbox today. He was unbothered and aloof at the time but now it has come to the time he would have had it, he has had a complete meltdown. He has cried and sobbed uncontrollably for two hours. It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

Youre not doing the right thing for an autistic child by punishing for rudeness. It’s all well and good saying behaviour has consequences but when the child has no idea they are being rude and to a great extent can’t even control it; it’s like punishing bed wetting. It creates a cycle of shame and helplessness. I think the past two hours have been more punishment than he deserved tbh, and would allow him back on the Xbox for a set time.

In future, do not punish for rudeness.

I get what you mean but (in typical autistic analytic fashion!) it would be not necessarily acceptable but understandable if the child was modelling what he'd seen around him and hadn't made the connection with it being rude. It's very easy to be too naive and easily led when you've got autism (I still get things wrong).
But that aside the sanctions would be correct and teaching your son that talking back in rudeness and being a shit to his siblings is absolutely correct. You may need to teach that in a different way to how you'd teach an NT child but it still needs teaching, and in some ways more so as they may not pick it up the same otherwise.
Talking back in terms of trying to explain why he's done something the way he has or why he perceives you as wrong is different though. A strong feeling of right and wrong can really make you pissed off if you're convinced you're right so make sure he does have the opportunity to explain, but if he's being gobby because he's growing up and testing boundaries then it's definitely your job to point that out and stop it.