DD Hating University Already

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

My DD has been at university for two weeks. First week was freshers week then we had the bank holiday so she has so far been to two lectures.
She gets on well with her flat mates and says the people on her course are nice. She has been out quite a bit and had joined a few groups.
but she says she doesn’t like it. She found the lectures disappointing, she doesn’t think university life is for her, she doesn’t like any of the groups she has joined, she doesn’t like the town.
last night she said she wants to drop out.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can help her deal with this. I never went to university so I can’t give her first hand experience but I know a lot of people who have said it takes a while to settle in.
I know it must be hard for her but I’m sure if she gives it a chance she will love it. And I have said if she still hates it after she has given in a while she doesn’t have to stay.
Has anyone who has felt this way or had kids who felt this way got any advice I can give to her please?
I want her to be happy but I don’t want her to thrown away this opportunity.
Thanks in advance

Mine lasted two days and came home. Went back to her job, passed her driving test, and generally loved live. Uni was not for her.
I suppose she should try and stay until Xmas, but don’t let her mental health suffer if she does.

Tell her to give it a term and then see how she feels. It's such a massive change and it takes a while to adapt. I felt similarly during my first term - it wasn't what I'd expected partly because I ended up in a uni-owned house share rather than halls and in the main they weren't people I would have chosen to live with, but once I'd got into a routine and knew where I needed to be, it was much better. In fact I wish I could have my time there again, it was fantastic after a few false starts.

Definitely try and get her to stay until Christmas. It is a huge life change and she is enjoying bits of it. She needs to give the course a chance. She can also look at other groups to join. Uni is not for everyone but worth giving it a go for a bit longer if she can.

Tell her to think about what she really wants and sleep over it next week or so and even skip a few lessons and see how she feels

IMHO, she may feel she does not fit in or really dislikes someone.

Whatever happens I wish her luck

I hated the first weeks too, thought I’d made a huge mistake. Tell her to stick it out til Christmas and see how she feels then. I stuck it out, never really loved it but glad I did as it led the way to good jobs and high earnings.

She's being a bit quick to judge, she's had two introductory lectures, she likes her flatmates. She'd might take a while to find clubs or activities she likes, or she might find there are other things she'd rather do. I wouldn't be advocating a try it for five minutes and give up mentality, that won't serve her well in life.

I had a bit of a wobble a couple of weeks into starting University and then almost overnight it changed into the best experience ever and some of the best years of my life. I'd go back to Uni again and again if it was free and I didn't have a mortgage to pay

As a lecturer of several decades I’ve had many conversations with students who decide they don’t like their course after the first week. First lectures are always a bit rubbish. They usually include a lot of admin stuff about the assessment, the learning outcomes, how to find your tutorial group, who the teaching team are, how to contact the course secretary etc.
It takes time, even when you do get into the meat of a course to really get going. You have to get the whole class, who will have done a tangle of previous learning up to the starting point, which means some students will be covering stuff they’ve done before. You may need to cover quite basic material because it’s taught differently at school, in engineering we do some things fundamentally differently from the way school physics does, so students have to unlearn things that they think are easy.
Students expect to be doing really hard stuff from day 1, it can’t be like that. We’re not here to entertain; it can’t always be exciting, learning is sometimes mundane. They have to walk before they can run and first we have to get them all to walk in the same direction.

As she hasn't given it long I wonder if you should tell her that she needs to talk to someone at her uni and find out things like how much of the tuition fee will she be billed for depending on when she leaves plus that her term's rent is gone. It might be that her asking triggers support as it is possible she hasn't reached out to pastoral/student welfare about how she is feeling.

I think she does need to give it longer, if this was school you would be encouraging her to go in, if it was a job you would hopefully be doing the same. She needs to give it time. I think uni is often promoted, especially on social media, as this most amazing, party, friend making, life changing, roller coaster of fun and the reality is for a lot of people it just isn't. Lots of students are probably feeling exactly like she is but aren't talking about it. It is a massive change. I would have quit but was too worried about what my parents would think so I stuck it out, ended up loving it and it truly was the best thing I ever did.

@Chemenger is absolutely right. I’m also a university lecturer and I tbh even I hate the first week, haha: loads of introductory sessions, doing rounds of learning people’s names, and so forth. So your DD can’t judge the content of the course based on the couple of lectures she’s been to. She needs to give it time, and remember that other students may need to do some catching up, depending on the kind of course it is.

For the rest, I think it needs time too. Groups, clubs and societies can also be a bit like teaching: the first few weeks are introductory while people try it out, but I often found that once a settled group was established the activities became more fun and focused on whatever the aim of the group is. Friendships are also transitory: flatmates are a good initial group but after a bit they can start to grate, so you need to find your tribe. And that comes from sticking with groups/clubs/societies beyond the initial period, and going to classes. I imagine she has some small-group lessons? She should see if people want to go for coffee/lunch before or after for example.

I would agree with others that she needs to give it a respectable period of adjustment. But, the crucial thing is she needs to try and throw herself into it. If someone is hiding in their room, only attending half their classes and not engaging in anything social, then of course even by Christmas they’ll still hate it. But if they can truly say they’ve given it a proper ‘go’ and still don’t like it, then it’s time to think about alternatives.

Time for a bit of tough love I would suggest. You cannot assess you course on the basis of the first two lectures. You cannot assess club on the first couple of meetings. Everything is in startup mode.

Did your daughter visit the uni before applying or accepting her place? What did she like about the course? Why did she select it?

I think your daughter also needs to recall the clearing issues this year. She has a place that many would have been overjoyed to gain.

There is so much hype about starting uni life and Freshers week(s), but the reality is messy and completely unrepresentative of uni life. It really is no basis to make an assessment.

A few of my dd’s friends dropped out in the first couple of weeks. My dd felt the same, we talked about it and We agreed for her to stay until Christmas to see how she felt then, by Christmas she was a different girl, loved uni and all that came with it.

the work load in the first few weeks was horrendous but seems to settle over the year and then back to a huge work load at the beginning of the next year.

It took ages to settle in. When she has proper friends it will be better. If she's not violently anti church at least one church will be putting on free food/activities round about now. Most of them will not be hard sell but may invite you to other stuff.

I knew after two weeks that it wasn't for me (at least, the uni I chose wasn't for me). I stayed for the whole term until Christmas and am glad I did as noone could accuse me of not trying or not being settled. Also I made sure that I had an alternative plan. Don't let her come back to nothing, her self esteem will take a knock.

Give it a term. I hated absolutely everything about uni when I first went. I didn’t drink so didn’t get on with the crazy student vibes and I was very quiet and nerdy so didn’t get on with my flat mates. I went home every fortnight at the weekend to get a break from it. But…I wouldn’t have my career without the degree. And I got used to the vibe and how to tune out the nonsense going on around me.

Forgot half the message. I found it difficult at first. Try not to go home every weekend.(we had to) that really messed with your head. Give it at least a month.

I hated my first two weeks. I stayed.

I hated the next 75 weeks until I finally dropped out midway through my second year. It saddled me with a shit load of debt and nothing to show for it.

However, I wish I'd known someone who could have given me better advice. (None of my family had ever been to uni and back then there was little in the way of student support).

I suspect the better option for me might have been to look at options to stay long enough to consolidate any points I'd started and then switch to a course that might have suited me better.

But by the time I could own up to how miserable I was, I was only fit to walk and never look back. Talk to her about the various options she might have and help her see the pros and cons of them.

If it helps, I worked my way up through my career and was earning an exeptionally great wage and travelling the world when I was 35. So the debt got paid off and I cannot say dropping out really held me back any.

I hated my first couple weeks at uni. I was a good 6 hours away from home, incredibly homesick, didn't particularly care for my lectures and struggled to make friends. But somehow by the end of the first term, I had started to find my feet a bit more, which had everything to do with finding a nice circle of friends.

I still considered dropping out and finding another course closer to homeeven applied and was accepted for the following September, but after the first year, I absolutely loved it and couldn't wait to go back. I'm so glad I persisted because uni ended up being the making of me. I haven't looked back since. Encourage your child to give it more timeat least finish the first term.

It does need time. DD1 really struggled during her first time even though she liked her flatmates and her course - we had involvement from pastoral support, who were really good. Then Covid hit and she was back at home and realised what she was missing with everything being online and she never looked back after that. I'd ask her to give it till Christmas and then review.

My DD was the same when she started too.

We had a chat and decided she’d stick it out to Christmas. If she desperately wanted to come home before then, I’d go and get her, but she would wait until Christmas to make any firm decisions.

We FaceTimed a lot, I sent her treat parcels every week or so, she wasn’t too far away so I got the train up a couple of times and we went shopping, out for dinner. She decided not to come home to visit that first term as she felt it would mess with her head.

By October she was feeling much better about it all and we were only FaceTiming a couple of times a week, and by November she cancelled my trip up so she could go out with friends.

She’s just started her 3rd year (2nd year of her degree course as she did a foundation year) and is still a bit iffy the first couple of weeks but once she’s back into the swing of it, she’s fine

Thank you, it’s so good to hear what she is going through is fairly normal.
I am hoping she is going to settle in and waiting until Christmas to make any decisions sounds like sensible advice.

i would consider whether her course is vital to the career she wants? Ie if she want to become a doctor then of course she needs to make Uni work. If it’s media/business studies or similar then perhaps she could look around for apprenticeships or ground level training programmes?

If she needs the degree and it’s the environment that doesn’t suit her perhaps she could look to transfer to a different Uni, perhaps a campus rather than a town? She may need to wait until next year now, but she could get a job in the meantime and save up?

What did she expect uni life to be like?

I think that makes a huge difference. My parents did not go to uni and I didn't go until my 30s.

My mum never got over the idea that uni wasn't like school, she expected me to go to classes 9-4 and then do homework.

I once mentioned that that there are no lectures on Wednesday afternoons at any uni, she didn't believe me, but for full time students Wednesday pm is when you do sports or attend demos.

I think the first couple of weeks can be quite boring, you attend lectures but don't really do much studying / reading.

Ask her to give it a few weeks, at least until her first essay / assignment.

One of mine started her first year, hated it, transferred to another uni, hated that, ended up taking the rest of that year off and the next year too.

So 2 years later she started at her 3rd uni, different course, loved it from the start.

I just supported whatever she wanted to do. She clearly wasn't ready for it at 18, the course she chose wasn't what she ended up studying. She spent the time travelling and working, grew up a bit, realised what she really wanted to study and hasn't looked back.

Do a year then change course / uni if she can.