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Original poster

DD Hating University Already

67 replies

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 23/09/2022 08:57

My DD has been at university for two weeks. First week was freshers week then we had the bank holiday so she has so far been to two lectures.
She gets on well with her flat mates and says the people on her course are nice. She has been out quite a bit and had joined a few groups.
but she says she doesn’t like it. She found the lectures disappointing, she doesn’t think university life is for her, she doesn’t like any of the groups she has joined, she doesn’t like the town.
last night she said she wants to drop out.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can help her deal with this. I never went to university so I can’t give her first hand experience but I know a lot of people who have said it takes a while to settle in.
I know it must be hard for her but I’m sure if she gives it a chance she will love it. And I have said if she still hates it after she has given in a while she doesn’t have to stay.
Has anyone who has felt this way or had kids who felt this way got any advice I can give to her please?
I want her to be happy but I don’t want her to thrown away this opportunity.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
SuchandSuchandSuch · 23/09/2022 11:08

Don't tell her to give it a term. She needs to check with student finance to see when she needs to leave by in order not to pay the fees for the year. Student services or the student union might be able to help.

SuchandSuchandSuch · 23/09/2022 11:09

.... it may well be a perfectly rational resonse to what she's learnt about the course / university so far ...

FetlocksBlowingInTheWind · 23/09/2022 11:35

SuchandSuchandSuch · 23/09/2022 11:08

Don't tell her to give it a term. She needs to check with student finance to see when she needs to leave by in order not to pay the fees for the year. Student services or the student union might be able to help.

Yes this! My daughter ended up paying a portion of fees.

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Higher education
Yack02 · 23/09/2022 11:43

I went at 18 and hated it, lasted about 6 weeks.

Tried again at 22 and loved it.

Softplayhooray · 23/09/2022 12:10

Could you maybe ask her to give it 4 more weeks? I hated uni more than anything on the planet for the first few weeks, and I hated living at home so it was meant to be my big escape. Then I ended up loving it suddenly and it's still the best thing that ever happened to me!! Not sure why the overnight change, but maybe it was just the adjustment period?

Please tell her my experience if it helps. It blowed, I remember, but don't give up without giving it a real chance.

Buzzinwithbez · 23/09/2022 12:46

I disliked it. I saw it as a means to an end all the way through. It was in a subject where I knew I'd walk into a job easily as the end and that made all the difference.

FrownedUpon · 23/09/2022 12:50

I hated the first few weeks. I ended up loving it and having the best years of my life. Encourage her to stick it out. I can’t believe anyone would come home after 2 days!

Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 23/09/2022 12:57

I hated my first 4 weeks at Uni but was too stubborn to tell my DPs as I was desperate to leave home. Something clicked after 4 weeks and I found my tribe, found great flatmates (some of whom are still great pals 30 years later), and I eventually met my DH there.
It can take a good few weeks to find your feet and make friends through clubs, flatmates and your course. Homesickness can be a challenge for many at first as she learns to navigate uni, but keeping busy will help. She needs to be patient and see it out until Xmas at least.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 23/09/2022 13:00

I absolutely hated it. I couldn’t even articulate what I didn’t like about it but I just assumed it was me, that I had chosen the wrong course or uni. So I stuck it out for a year, then switched course and uni, stuck it out for a year and then tried a third uni and different course.

I ended up walking away with three years worth of debt and nothing to show for it. My parents were really disappointed with me and said I’d let myself down - which didn’t help. I dossed around for a few years, convinced I was a failure. Then somehow fell into a career and I’m now extremely successful in a senior role 🤷🏻‍♀️

If she still doesn’t like it after a term, I would possibly suggest taking a year or two out to see what she wants to do.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/09/2022 13:06

I wonder if what she is really feeling is like she REALLY misses you and being at home. Of course it is hard to say that when you want to feel like an independent adult (and society seems to suddenly expect you to toddle off and live in a new city with no backward glance).

And so instead she says its the course, its the town its this or that that she doesn't like.

But really, she is grieving the separation from you?

If so it could help if you can name that and say that it IS very painful to leave home and homesickness is a very painful feeling, it is hard to enjoy anything new eg course, town, clubs when you are feeling pretty heartbroken.

But also, that homesickness does lift, as you adjust (and indeed, the more you are able to tell your loved ones you miss them and home, and they are able to tell you, the easier it gets).

Pashazade · 23/09/2022 13:17

She does need to stick it out a bit longer, it took me three weeks to settle. But when I rang my dad miserable in my first few weeks he made it clear that if I was still unhappy after a month then I could absolutely come home. Knowing that I could leave and it was ok to do so made it much easier to push on a bit and find my feet.

Jackiebrambles · 23/09/2022 13:17

I have a letter (I'm old, an actual physical posted letter) from my best friend who wrote to me in the first weeks of uni telling me she hated it and was planning to leave. I was at uni too but was loving it. Her parents had told her to wait til Xmas to see how she felt.

She went on to have the most fantastic time, and made amazing friends, who are now my friends too. Tell her to give it til Christmas!

user1487194234 · 23/09/2022 13:24

Encourage her to go to Student support
Tell her you will support her
Go and take her out for dinner
But let her make her own decision

SlippinKimmy · 23/09/2022 13:26

I hated my first university. I hadn’t put much thought into picking it, and was also hampered by terrible predicted A-levels which limited my choices. I lasted three weeks before dropping out, my parents were appalled but ultimately supported me. I got a job for a year, reapplied to places I was much more interested in (which is a lot less stressful once you have your exam results, plus I did a lot better than my predicted grades), and went again the following year. Next time around I found it difficult to settle but by Xmas was into the swing of it, fell in love with subject and did very well in the end. Of course this was before uni fees came in, but if I was paying that much money I’d really want to be sure I’d made the right choice!

PandaOrLion · 23/09/2022 13:59

What’s her general tolerance for distress like? Does she usually respond with “I don’t like this I want to quit it” about other stuff or is it out of character for her? For me that makes the main difference of how much I’d be saying stay or not!

BirdinaHedge · 23/09/2022 14:09

Another lecturer chiming in to say she needs to give it about 6 weeks at the very least.

She’s making some rather Whitney generalised “I don’t like it” noises - is there anything specific about what she doesn’t like? Is she homesick? Or overtired?

it sounds like she may need some time to mature a little bit. It’s a big change and sometimes quite a shock to go from being a big fish in a small pond to being a small fish in a big pond.

Suetwo · 23/09/2022 14:10

It’s common. A lot of students don’t like the university experience, not because they hate the subject but because they find the social side too much. If you are an introvert, university can be overwhelming.

Could she not come home and do something at a local uni? Maybe drive to a different town? A lot of students go not because they want to study but because they want to drink and avoid work for a few years. I met much nicer and more intelligent people at my sixth form than I did at university.

CatsMother66 · 23/09/2022 15:11

I went to University and knew straight from the start that it wasn’t for me. I thought I should give it at least a year. I was so unhappy. Even now at 56 I look back on it and still say it was the worst year of my life. Looking back, maybe I should have left after a term. It’s not for everyone and I would like to think I will support DS in any decisions he makes without judgment. Happiness and well being comes first.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/09/2022 15:27

She may as well stay till Christmas, she’s got to pay 25% of the fees anyway.
www.ucas.com/finance/student-finance-england/suspending-or-withdrawing-your-full-time-studies

mighteeaphroditee · 23/09/2022 15:28

Can you tell how much your daughter is not liking it for what it is, or how much she is not liking it because it is not what she thought it would be ?

I remember having doubts on both counts but they were different, and need a slightly different coping strategy as such.

A very wise teacher always told us to stick it one term - and not to come home in that time - before deciding anything.

Lochjeda · 23/09/2022 15:29

She should defo give it till at least Xmas. You can't get a feel for the course after only a couple of lectures. Its normal to have a bit of a wobble its a huge change in your life. It isn't for everyone though. I dropped out after first year so I do know that but she's far too early in the process to have given it a proper chance.

crosstalk · 23/09/2022 15:42

Can you talk to your daughter in depth? I was very much of the opinion that most say here - stick it out till term end. But one of my DC called a month into first term saying they were seriously unhappy despite being a robust sort of person and very social. I told DC to keep going. Turned out the 7 other flatmates were younger and thought DC was poncey and just ostracised them ... like arranging to go out and leaving while DC was in the shower, cooking supper for everyone but DC, not talking to DC. DC was popular on all sports teams and with others, but I'd pushed for more detail earlier. A change from (expensive) flat to main halls was all that was needed, but not before severe depression and no help from the university.

crosstalk · 23/09/2022 15:43

Sorry should be "I wished I'd pushed for more details earlier (and not dismissed it as first term nerves".

UghNoTime · 23/09/2022 15:58

I'd get her to look at when the cut off times are for dropping out. I'd also try and get her to think about what was he would do.
A list of the posts in this thread seem a little dismissive of her concerns. I wouldn't want to pressurise her to stay if it's not right.

PassMeThePineapple · 23/09/2022 16:28

A friend's sister hated the first month then ended up loving it