AIBU to feel like men have it easy?

[Anono34]

I’m really just feeling a bit sorry for myself. DH has a great job (probably because he has never had to worry about childcare) and has loads of responsibility, gets to go on really interesting work social events regularly while I get left looking after DS’s alone. I’m a SAHM (not by choice - made redundant on mat leave) and I find it really lonely. Now youngest DS is at nursery 3 days a week am going to start looking for a part time job. I’m feeling both annoyed with myself for not getting a job sooner and frustrated that all the part time jobs I’m qualified for seem like they’re boring/ low paid. Full time isn’t really an option because we have no support with childcare and because he’s carried on in his career while I’ve been pregnant/ on mat leave/ at home, his wage is realistically a lot more than I can ever earn. As the lower earner it makes more sense financially for me to reduce my hours to do school run and look after DS. Have I just planned my life badly or is it genuinely harder to have a decent career as a woman??

@themanwho - was the split any different when children were under 5 (few hobbies requiring driving/picking up)? Were night wakings split?

@themanwho id love to know where you live and what you do for a job. I’ve been really unwell the past 3 days- should have been in bed, but haven’t been as DH also thinks he’s ill (this quite often happens when I’m ill )- and have been contemplating how few men pull their weight. Any time there is a ‘my husband does nothing’ post on MN an army of women come on to tell us how much their husband does. I want to know where these husbands are? I know one, and the pendulum is entirely the other way where the wife does almost nothing and he does everything on top of a high powered job. Beyond that I don’t know a single husband who does even 30%.

@themanwho - sorry, I don’t mean to sound accusatory. I was just wondering whether the balance was different as the kids grew (mine are small at the moment). I do know 2 men that do >50%, and I think it fantastic that more men like you are pulling their weight. Hehe - I think we all feel we are doing >50% (I certainly do!)

You have to work out as a couple what's most important , someone being about for your DC (and split it) or earning more and having careers.

Joint decisions and joint responsibility.

What mines? Thought they'd closed the last ond years ago.

Absolutely agree with this. Few nurseries/childminders cater for older kids. As babies it was so mich easier in terms of having care all day throughout the year.

Once they're high school age, a couple of hours after school home alone's ok. What about school holidays?

It is harder, the motherhood penalty is real. Unfortunately we have neither the sought and promised equality, nor the adaptations and compensations put in place by other societies across time and place for that. We have neither the expectation that women have to drop out of work to look after kids, and some economic compensation for that, nor the promised (in the 60s through to 90s) explosion of part-time and family friendly work with men who will take their fair share of the childcare burden.

There were promises of such things in the early 00s, but as usual all doors closed as the modern economic globalist extraction got going. What we have now is a load of tripe about how children are women’s choice alone because workers can be imported to feed the system from all around the world, and men whose only value or thought is for their gonads. It is shit.

Combination of annual leave, WFH, family, days with friends, some days alone?

Any time there is a ‘my husband does nothing’ post on MN an army of women come on to tell us how much their husband does. I want to know where these husbands are? I know one, and the pendulum is entirely the other way where the wife does almost nothing and he does everything on top of a high powered job. Beyond that I don’t know a single husband who does even 30%.

This is truly awful.

But I suspect (in answer to your question) you'll find these husbands alongside wives who absolutely won't take any shit.

My first husband was a lazy fucker and like a lot of MNetters, I made excuses for him. My current husband (22 years and counting) absolutely pulls his weight 50/50 because my standards were way higher the second time round, and no way would I accept anything less.

Your saying this as if those are all options, Some don't have the option of family/friends or wfh. I personally would not feel comfortable leaving a 11 year old home alone all day. For potentially 10 to 12 hours. Luckily we managed to book annual leave between us this was only possible due to p/t working.

Just because it works out for some doesn't mean its that easy for all. It worked out for us but may not be possible for everyone.

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. My DH is a fairly high earner and has a very successful career. I do a part time admin job and take care of things domestically. I know child care does often hold women back domestically but in our case my DH would always have had the better career, regardless of children. I've never had the same ambition or drive (or talent) as him. So yes my husband has a great career and I don't but I certainly don't think he has it easier than me! Quite the opposite. He's under immense pressure at work and is on antidepressants to help him deal with the stress. He feels responsible for paying the mortgage. I've told him many times he could get a less stressful job and I could go full time but his job is actually his vocation. It's like part of his identity and he's doing a lot of good through work. He doesn't want to change despite the pressures.
OK I do most of the boring domestic chores but I quite enjoy them and I enjoy being with the children a lot. Now the children are older (9 and 12) I definitely have a much easier life than DH. It was a different story when they were toddlers of course.
I plan to work full time once my DS is at high school as I don't want to always be so dependent on DH.

We don't have all of these open to us either but the majority of people can muddle through with some combination

@DuplicateUserName I don’t take any shit!!! ‘Doesn’t suffer fools’ is how most people describe me. I can’t make my husband do more (and believe me he does a whole heap more than he used to do). His, not unreasonable, argument is ‘you create all this work, then expect me to do half’. Take This month….I mean he just wouldn’t celebrate Christmas. Even if I died and he had the kids on his own. He’d go and stay in a hotel from 23rd-27th and pay the nanny (he’d employ a full time live in nanny if I died) to do the Christmas shopping. There would be no tree and no festivities because he couldn’t be arsed. So we’ll have a huge argument because I want help with said tree and festivities….that he doesn’t want.
but I’m absolutely not alone. I don’t know anyone - and I have a handful of girlfriends who are all honest with each other- who thinks their husband pulls their weight.

They often have it easy because they want it easy and are allowed to have it easy. Unfortunately culturally we are not where we should be with dads contributions to raising children. With women saying what a “great” dad their husband / partner is, when what that actually looks like it they hold down a job and take them to the park sometimes.

I can see how OP’s situation evolves especially during Covid. The whole thing set back things for a lot of women. But husband needs to be more engaged and paid childcare is an option

I can see how the disparity develops. I am expecting twins in the spring. MIL took it upon herself to suggest l quit my job, go zero hours and work round my husbands job 🙄. Really not sure why as her input wasn’t sought! It’s between my husband and l. The way l see it l have already a paid a lot of the motherhood penalty by my mental and physical health being trashed by IVF. Husband tentatively suggested l scale my work hours massively back to work round him until they go to school naaah. My husband only earns a little more than me so why should l stall my earning power, then never catch up and always be on the back foot. I’m probably more ambitious than him. Im sure he would love to pootle off to work, leaving me to hold the fort and do pick ups / drop offs etc but that doesn’t work for me. All of these “great” ideas involve me running myself ragged and me having major financial penalties. None of which lm willing to do. Its fair and within my rights to say we both scale back at work a bit and used some paid childcare

YANBU OP, what has happened to you has happened to me and also to every woman I know in real life. When I met DH I earned loads more than he did, now his career has rocketed to £400k+ p/a and mine is at zero, if I told him to ‘step up and help with parenting/housework so I can get a job’ he would laugh in my face and point out that his job is not one that you step back from, he either works constantly (incl weekends) or he quits. He is not going to stop earning £400k for the family so I can struggle to get some £40k job.

My friend’s husband even made her a spreadsheet to show her that if she got a job it would cost the family way more than if she stayed as SAHM doing all the parenting/housework/gardening/admin etc.

It’s a very common story and men do indeed have it much easier career-wise. (However they miss out on a lot of the parenting, some of which is lovely especially the baby snuggles.)

The only way around it seems to be to dump the child in childcare for 12 hrs a day from very young, which is harmful to them, or to marry a relatively unsuccessful man who’s willing to be a sahd, or have both parents in part-time low income jobs.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I wish you well, let me know if you solve this.

A common and well known trap that women keep getting caught in. This is the motherhood penalty.

Night waking were split as soon as they were bottle fed which was maybe 3 or 4 weeks. once bottle fed it was an equal split in the evenings yes.

i did the sleep training too as my wife didn’t like the crying.

when they were little my wife was off work so did the bulk of groups as they are daytime at that age.

my wife wanted to take a year off work, and I don’t get paternity leave being self employed

I’ve always done nearly all the cooking and kitchen cleaning

I live in the UK and I run my own business.

im sure not Everyman does as much as me and my friends do.

and I know some men who do very little family work and see themselves being a high earner as the reason.

I also know a couple of friends who’s wives don’t do a lot and are always out or working and their husbands (also working FT) do the heavy lifting to keep the family going and working

I haven't RTFT but the two (being low paid and a SAHM) aren't mutually exclusive. You've given up your career / job and not asked for any sacrifice on his part. So of course he's going to go onwards and upwards and you're not.

Why is childcare only your problem, to be paid out of your wages? And your time? It shouldn't be. He needs to consider how he's going to support you with working again, assuming you want to and it should be a partnership not "men have it easy" while women SAH.

Look ahead 20 years. Your kids won't always be small and need you - sorry, I'm lying , they'll always need you! but they won't need childcare in the same way.

Yeh I think lots of us feel we’re doing more than our fair share. It’s really hard to quantify and we all do things that aren’t seen

it’sa bit of a trap to try and compare who does what

I don't know why you accepted this if you were the higher earner. But then I made very clear to my DH all along that if he wanted someone who would SAH and facilitate him, he needed to look elsewhere.

We both earn decent but not 400k type salaries, work 4 days a week. Part time doesn't have to equal low paid (we both earn in the 80-90k region). Our children do 3 days a week of 8-5:30 childcare. I am not aware of any childcare other than a nanny which involves 12 hour days - virtually everyone I know uses an 8-6 nursery but usually picks up by 5/5:30.

As one of the women you're talking about, I agree with the not taking any shit part.

Although it's interesting that even in our setup, where DH does at least as much actual labour when we tot up employment, house, family etc, my portion still includes the thinking. He'll do more than his fair share no problem if I say so, but I'd still have to spell out what needed doing for quite a lot of it.

And I actually know quite a few men who genuinely do an equal or possibly more than equal share overall, but I don't know a single one where it's not the woman who's in charge of working out what needs doing when. I'd say the most significant thing there is whether the man understands that this is labour and that if he isn't doing his share of it that needs to be balanced elsewhere.