AIBU to feel like men have it easy?

[Anono34]

I’m really just feeling a bit sorry for myself. DH has a great job (probably because he has never had to worry about childcare) and has loads of responsibility, gets to go on really interesting work social events regularly while I get left looking after DS’s alone. I’m a SAHM (not by choice - made redundant on mat leave) and I find it really lonely. Now youngest DS is at nursery 3 days a week am going to start looking for a part time job. I’m feeling both annoyed with myself for not getting a job sooner and frustrated that all the part time jobs I’m qualified for seem like they’re boring/ low paid. Full time isn’t really an option because we have no support with childcare and because he’s carried on in his career while I’ve been pregnant/ on mat leave/ at home, his wage is realistically a lot more than I can ever earn. As the lower earner it makes more sense financially for me to reduce my hours to do school run and look after DS. Have I just planned my life badly or is it genuinely harder to have a decent career as a woman??

Most men don't graduate from Oxford.

Of course the men at the top have it very easy. Most don't. Look at the percentage of men to women that work in jobs like sewage work or down the mines.

TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE DO NOT READ IF THIS IS UPSETTING TO YOU

I thought more women than men attempted suicide? It’s just the methods each sex tend to choose mean men are more likely to succeed? (Succeed is a horrible word to use in this context but I can’t think of another way to word it, no offence is meant).

My first response to the question was yes because they don't have periods every month for 30+ years and then have the menopause to look forward to (with a bonus peri-menopausal stage in between!) Heck they can even go for a wee easier if they get caught short.

In response to your actual question, I'm not sure all men do, but (and I know MN hates it) a lot of mental load falls to women whether they work outside the home or not. I work FT and I'd say 90% of child related admin is down to me as well as 90% of housework. I gave an example to DH once saying he didn't know when the kids dentist apts, open evenings, sports days etc were and how would he change that. And he said "well I'd look on the kitchen calendar" ....as if I just bought a personalised calendar with everything already on it!🤣

If your DH is a director you can afford childcare.

What you're really saying is that you don't want to put your DC into childcare because they don't like it. You feel bad about 'forcing' childcare on DC and your DH probably doesn't. So it's harder for you because you have all these complicated guilt feelings about leaving your DC to go and work FT.

Have you considered other childcare - a nanny or childminder?

FWIW I do think men gave it easier in general when DC come along. But that's because society expects them to keep working, they don't have to take a break from work and they don't tend to have mum-guilt as the mum is busy sorting out their DCs for them. I think shared parental leave could change this, but only if men are willing to ask for it and the working culture encourages it.

Op - there's some choices and decisions you and your husband have made that have resulted in this. There's no reason that this has happened because he has a penis, the two of you have decided this. If you want to work full time, go back to work full time. Then, you and your husband together sort out the childcare.

Remember the cost of childcare doesn't come from your salary. It's a joint responsibility. So even if your earnings initially aren't much more than your childcare bill at first, you are only really liable for 50% - the other half technically is the responsibility of your DH.

If your DH is a director you can afford childcare.

And will probably have quite a bit of flexibility over his diary.

Don't be the martyr in this.

YOU decide the childcare arrangements, not your DC.

I'd get back into the workplace asap because you don't know if the rug will be pulled from under your feet.

And no, I don't think men get it easier. Bearing the financial responsibility for the family is a massive weight.

If you want to work you can, like others have said it's 100% possible.

You just need to be more selfish and look after yourself the way your DH makes sure he is ok.

You also need to talk to him and show him this thread, else you will stack resentments and start to dislike him.

Also childcare is expensive, but as the globe is open again after covid we do have au pairs as options, cheaper than nursery and childcare, you get your children exposed to languages, culture and a whole host of benefits to support younger people travelling etc.

I used a combination of nursery and then in the summer months au pair's from all country's, our DS benefitted massively and we are still in touch with the au pairs.

When we did this it was £100 a week plus food and accommodation. I'm sure it's more now but cheaper at the time.

You need to be a bit more creative and hungry for your roles, and many people cope without family close by.

I agree that you need to take a long view. I was made redundant on mat leave with DS 1 and got a new full time job to start when my mat leave would have ended. It was unbelievably expensive to pay FT child care, and it was also an emotionally very difficult thing to do. But it was with a view to thinking that after a while I could go part time, which is exactly what I did. I'd never have got the part time role to begin with.

Nursery costs were always a fully joint expense. It is simply another bill. No question of being 'my' expense.

I now have 2 DS, wfh in an easier role, 4 days a week. My DH does compressed hours (5 days a week over 4) so he does drop offs etc on his day off. So my younger DS was only in nursery 3 days a week which we preferred.

Financially you are probably better off than us on just your husbands wage alone but we are doing OK. He might go back up to 4.5 now the youngest is in school.

Also my youngest moaned every day about going to pre-school, but having just started school he loves it. The both also love after school club.

My long-winded point is to take a long view. What do you want? What do you need? And what are you wiling to give up to get it? Talk to your husband, it is time for him to share the childcare load.

Not all men have it easy. Some share the childcare equally and allow their wife to get her career on track.

Your story reads like a script of bored trapped SAHM. Sacrifices need to be made. Something has got to give. Currently it is your prospects and personal finances.

I'm a director in a demanding role. Heading for promotion. I work part time 4 days and collect my dc from school/ take them to activities 2 working days a week. Dh works full time as a company director and takes the kids to activities 3 nights of the week and collects/ drops off 2 days.

Yes childcare was expensive but that was over a 6 or 7 year period and in the long run it was better I worked my way up rather than looked after my dc. To be fair I didn't enjoy being at home all the time, some do and good for them.

Seems like you'd be best throwing yourself into a busier working lifestyle and encouraging your dh to take up the slack. Fact is men who want to make it work will do.

Yes I think the system is biased toward men. And I get fed up of seeing well-meaning posts and articles everywhere (including on sites like MN) about how more flexible working/childcare options are needed so that ‘mums’ can work.

Obviously dads don’t need this support because childcare is a woman’s problem…

Oh my dc aren't keen on after school club but it's not up for negotiation. I'm not keen on running them to (& paying for) activities night after night but I do it. It's give and take in a family. Its onmg the youngest in ASC now.

Yeah, I have never implied to my son that wraparound care is something he gets to negotiate about - we make that decision.

Of course if he came to me and said he was miserable there, I would consider other options like an after school nanny, but I don't and won't introduce the idea that he gets a veto on whether or not I work

I don't understand the whole "my wage would just cover childcare costs so what's the point?" It doesn't make sense
Firstly, you will be contributing to your pension which is absolutely not to be sniffed at. Secondly wages go up, bonuses etc and it is short term because when they are three they get free hours. It's better to keep a job so you've kept your skillset.
And it's not your wage that covers childcare. It's half your husband's.

Also, as a side note I am not sure it is legal to make someone redundant on maternity leave, is it? I think they have to offer you a different role within the company first? I say this because I was at risk of redundancy during my first maternity leave and when I read all the TS and C's I found that because I was on maternity leave I was pretty bullet proof and did in fact keep my job.

What's the answer though? Men stay at home with the kids while women work? A lot of women wouldn't want that either. There's no reason why the father can't do their share of childcare, that's up to each household to sort themselves.

If you look at it, women now do a lot better than men, on average, in higher education. Millenial women outearn men of their own age on the whole. It's when women start having children that it starts to tip back. Children obviously need looking after and bringing up properly, otherwise why have them?

But equally, shared parental leave is a thing but mother's don't want to give up what they see as their year off and time with their baby. They don't want to share it etc so is it all in our own making?!

Your partner does have it easier but it’s only happening with your permission. Work full time, put the kids in extra childcare and make DH pick up the amount of the bill that is proportional to his earnings (so the majority).

If you’re going to allow unequal gender dynamics to replicate in your home then I’ve got no sympathy.

Not all men have it easy. Some share the childcare equally and allow their wife to get her career on track.

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but this reads like men are giving permission to their wives to have a career and that the default is women taking on the childcare!

Have I just planned my life badly or is it genuinely harder to have a decent career as a woman??

I think the answer is former. You chose your dh. You chose to do most of childcare. You chose to stay at home. I know some men who decided to be a sahp while his wife works fulltime. So, imo, people choose to do what they think it's right for them.

Generally and from every culture, men do have it easier than women no matter how happy the lady is with her man about the help around the house/family.

I'm a man and I know it.
Our son works longer hours than his wife and works from home and does a lot for his children, cooking washing gardening, etc etc his wife is PT - our son irons his own clothes but his wife does the bulk of the cooking, washing up etc so at best taking his hours into consideration, it is 50/50 but on the whole men do less than women

Only one area I can think of that most men do more than women and that is in bed - men IMO are on the whole are less able to mulit-taks well.

My wife still surprises me at the speed she cooks, washes, etc, etc and get everything else done as well inc DIY

If your husband is a director, you can afford childcare, I would have more sympathy if you were both on minimum wage struggling to afford childcare.

Stop with the 'childcare takes up the majority of my income' - no it doesn't it takes up half of your income and some of your husbands. Childcare is not measured purely against women's wages.

Unless your DH can work and look after the children full time then he is paying for childcare, either through you not working or through childcare fees.

The difference if it's through you is that it has much longer-term impact on your pension, future earning potential etc so your family is worse off financially for a much longer period of time than if you take the hit now.

You sound like you don't really want to work, so you are making excuses and complaining that men have it easier.

I view my career as long-term progression and development. It’s there to develop me as a person, to expose me to new experiences and people, for me to learn new things and stretch myself. As well as earn money for our household.

I work 4 days per week and negotiated that in my new job that was advertised as 5 days. I also negotiated a significant pay increase to cover nursery costs.

I will still have these skills and more experience when my children are older and don’t need to pay childcare, wrap around school care etc.

You have options. You either stick to what you’re doing but you’re obviously unhappy. You take one of the advertised “boring” part time jobs. Or you negotiate the hours and pay you need. But you have to have the right mentality.

I think now people are having children later in life it's mostly an excuse when people say their careers are held back by having children. By the time you're in your thirties, you know whether you're on track to become CEO. Those that end up climbing the ladder and becoming high earners are going to do it regardless, they make things happen rather than expecting the world to hand everything to them on a plate.

Obviously there are some exceptions.

Overall yes men do have easier in many ways, but women do this to themselves, you could have prioritised your career like you husband, you could stayed working full time, but you chose to take on the majority of the childcare sacrificing your career in the process.

Many women have good careers despite having children, it just means you have to be established and earn enough before you have kids to make paying for childcare worth it (unless your husband earns a lot) because on a low paying job it’s probably not worth working and paying for childcare, but again that is their decision to have kids without establishing their careers first.