AIBU to feel like men have it easy?

[Anono34]

I’m really just feeling a bit sorry for myself. DH has a great job (probably because he has never had to worry about childcare) and has loads of responsibility, gets to go on really interesting work social events regularly while I get left looking after DS’s alone. I’m a SAHM (not by choice - made redundant on mat leave) and I find it really lonely. Now youngest DS is at nursery 3 days a week am going to start looking for a part time job. I’m feeling both annoyed with myself for not getting a job sooner and frustrated that all the part time jobs I’m qualified for seem like they’re boring/ low paid. Full time isn’t really an option because we have no support with childcare and because he’s carried on in his career while I’ve been pregnant/ on mat leave/ at home, his wage is realistically a lot more than I can ever earn. As the lower earner it makes more sense financially for me to reduce my hours to do school run and look after DS. Have I just planned my life badly or is it genuinely harder to have a decent career as a woman??

Hi OP, I imagine this thread is tough to read, but you can change this situation. The problem with systemic sexism and its slightly less horrible cousin, unthinking gender assumptions, is you have to be on the alert and fight back actively. Which is more tiring than just going with it.

The first thing you need to do is to start seeing yourself as a person with personal and professional goals, and not as the support person to three males.

If you can do that, it will benefit your sons long term and definitely their eventual partners!

And you will find out what DH is made of.

If you both work, then the government tax-free childcare scheme will pay 20% of childcare fees. Combined with a child minder (cheapest option usually) this can make childcare more affordable.

Even if you’re only breaking even while your child is little, you’ll be building up your career and it’ll be profitable once they’re at school.

In my family I (the mum) am the higher earner and my husband works a lower-paid job and covers childcare all school holidays etc. So it’s not about men, it’s just about how you organise yourself.

Unfortunately the right thing to do would probably have been to apply for a new job in the same field right away when you were made redundant.

Thanks for all the messages. I’ve given my head a bit of a wobble today and while I actually do think men have it easier based on the fact that society generally does assume it’s the woman who takes on the majority of the childcare and the childcare related admin, it obviously is possible to get myself out of the rut I’m in.

I do wish in retrospect I had got another job straight away but I was made redundant while on maternity with DS2 in the middle of covid and I think now I’ve just fallen into the trap of bored SAHM. I think I’ll will have to look for a full time job and either negotiate hours or get my feet under the table and request flexibility further down the line.

Not at all, I think the answer is that childcare responsibilities are equally shared between men and women rather than being presented as something only mums need to worry about.

That doesn’t meant that dads have to take on direct responsibility by staying at home with their kids, but they should be just as involved in arranging it, paying for it etc.

And in some cases that may also mean submitting men flexible working requests (because yes they can in theory do this right now but society’s expectation is still that this is something a mum does, not a dad). Not in all cases obviously as each couple needs to choose what’s right for them but I’m fed up of seeing part-time/jobshare opportunities being presented as something for women as opposed to everyone.

I haven’t seen the stats but even if this is true and there are thousands of women denying their partners the opportunity to share parental leave - a working life is very long, it’s not just about the first year after having a baby!

Personally I’ve found the juggle around school hours/terms to be more tricky than the nursery years anyway.

Quite. DD has just started comp and finishes at 3pm.

Even if I am WFH that’s a bloody nightmare.

I also think it was much easier when DS1 was at nursery. He only had one care provider until 6pm, so I didn’t have to find different wrap around solutions. He didn’t have the number of hobbies in different places he has now and we didn’t have homework to deal with!

Has your husband asked to reduce hours/work flexibly? I’d be surprised if his job is so important that this could not be accommodated.

If he won’t ask then that’s another issue entirely.

Pay the childcare and get back to work, NEVER give up your career!!!! It's your freedom, identity and self worth.

The longer you accept the position the more reliance you will have on your husband as his pay increases year on year.

if you don’t like the situation you are in then push forward. Get back in the game. Full time will see you better for promotions in the future. Yes it comes at a cost. You might need to go a couple of years not being a great deal better off but when your wee one is in school it Will really make a difference.

I had triplets and returned full time to work after they were 9 months old with full time paid for childcare (no funding). It wasn’t easy but best thing I’ve done. My husband and I have the same career. We had to accept the high childcare costs initially (barely helping to cover food costs at that time with my after childcare cost contribution) but it set me on good footing with my employer going toward. I was selected for promotions and soon the take home pay versus childcare differential increased. Plus I’ve continued to contribute to a pension all this time too.

Every family is different and Sahm situations work for some but if you’re resenting how easy it is for your husband then get back to work full time and ensure your husband does his share of things. He probably has it easy because you have accepted the situation as it stands. If you want a career you need to be willing to support each other in that. It’s two way.

I’ve worked part time since my son was born (now 10), I’ve been incredibly lucky to have been able to maintain a career in my chosen field and to have worked for interesting employers. I wouldn’t be in the job I do now (or the last one) had I not worked part time as they were both advertised as part time. I get the impression it is trickier to restart your career after taking a break and you may have to start in a place you weren’t expecting and work back to where you want to be, especially if you are looking for part time work. Good luck!

Of course men as a demographic have it easier. The only group of men who share chores and childcare equally with their partners are SAHDs - yes, there is actually research showing that, rather than doing the bulk of things at home, SAHDs actually only share these responsibilities equally with their working partners. There was an Australian study which suggested that SAHDs actually do less childcare than working mums - that's right, LESS! And only slightly more housework. Leaves* *you rather gobsmacked really.

Yes, you could go back to work and yes, it might be better to go full-time rather than part-time, but don't kid yourself that you won't be working a double shift. From what you've said, there's very little indication that your husband will think "Oh, Anono34 is working full-time now, I need to step up and do an equal share at home". Instead, he'll probably see you working and making requests of him as being a major, unnecessary inconvenience. You should still do it, since you sound bored and unhappy at the moment. But good luck in getting your husband to step up... the weight of statistics and social norms is against you, whatever anyone else says.

”I actually do think men have it easier based on the fact that society generally does assume it’s the woman who takes on the majority of the childcare“

Society can assume what it likes - society didn’t force you to make your previous choices.

Good to hear you’ve got a plan!

It's so boring when we pretend that most women are in these situations because they make bad choices, rather than because a large number of men (even if they say the right things) aren't prepared to make good ones.

In fairness, although I clearly have made some bad decisions, I didn’t chose to get made redundant at the beginning of a pandemic. By the time things were more settled, I’d already been at home for over 2 years including mat leave.

Yes men do have it easier but you don't have to resign yourself to the situation you're in. You might need to think more laterally - the skills you have, your background and so forth and what you can realistically manage. Also get your husband on board and 'tell' him what you want - don't try to work around him in the sense that you continue to prioritise his lifestyle above all else.

Many many women find themselves in the position you're in, sometimes willingly sometimes not but I genuinely feel anxiety for stay at home mothers who are not independently wealthy.

How old are your kids? I would say if you are feeling this way, defo get back to some kind of work, to keep your hand in and have the option to work your way up/increase your hours as things change and kids get older. I had twins when my DD was under 3, but went back to work PT after 10 months Mat leave, and increased my working days as they got older. The maths barely worked when all 3 were under reception age, even with MIL having twins/DD1 a day a week. Twins are now 15 and I’m in a senior role, that just wouldn’t have been possible had I stepped out altogether. Plus I’ve paid into pension (even at low level) throughout (still much smaller pot that DH who hasn’t had Mat leave / PT hours impacting 🙄). Otherwise it becomes harder to bridge that pension/ career gap and get back onto the ladder at a later stage.

They’re 3 and 7, I definitely would prefer part time, it just feels like finding something that isn’t dead end or dull is impossible. Possibly I’m being too fussy and need to suck it up until they’re older.

Oh, and I would also say that we had a series of after school nannies for about 6-7 years (from twins being mid reception year to mid year 6). It was cheaper than 3 kids in Afterschool club, they unpacked lunchboxes, made tea, washed up, did reading and spellings, took them to the park on sunny days, did Afterschool activities. Just worked better for our family, more flexible, kids in their own home etc.

I took a demotion when I went back after twins (to do Pt hours I couldn’t run a team), but it felt necessary and short term. I think you have to accept PT is restrictive in terms of opportunity, or bite the bullet and get wraparound childcare for a FT role and negotiate flexibility for some drop offs/pick ups once you have an offer/trust. Workplaces are more flexible these days around ‘core’ hours as long as the job gets done. Also when your 3yo hits reception age you have 1 drop off & pick up point, gets easier, honest!

DH is a director and works long hours. No chance of him going part time.

FWIW I've worked with men in incredibly senior positions - across law, finance, start-ups, marketing, company Directors. All of whom fit in school pickups or flex days from time to time to be parents. As do their female compatriots (me).

If he says he can't, he's lying, he can. He just doesn't want to. And then you have a DH problem.

Right so, 3 year old's nursery goes from 3 to 5 days. After school nanny does school pick up and then nursery pick up. Home, lunchboxes washed, kids have down time. Dinner made by nanny. You and DH arrive home around 6pm. All eat together, bedtime routine. DH considers a Friday or Thursday off, if you think 3 year old won't cope with FT nursery load or more housework/home admin needs doing.

All do-able?

Absolutely this.

I feel for you. I had a very interesting but mad hours job before I had children. Well paid as well. When I was pregnant with my first I left London and went to live with the dad, in Bristol. Thought he would be able to support us - as I was freelance I had no maternity leave. However couldn’t have been more wrong! I had to get a job quickly and put the poor babe in very expensive full time nursery. Luckily the job was the same as I’d had in London so well paid and we could just about cover mortgage/nursery fees. Now (20 years on) I’m in the same career at a good level. My point is that if I hadn’t been absolutely forced to go back to work due to risk of losing our (very cheap!) house it would have been very easy to become a SAHM and lose my career position. Men just don’t have those pitfalls/trapdoors opening in their path the way we do.

You’re making lots of assumptions here.

I run my own business, bring in 2.5 times what my wife does , and do at least 50% the family work (I think I do more but 🤷🏻)

I do the cooking almost every meal and all school drops and pickups mon-fri. Wife does almost all the kids admin and all the laundry. She does more cleaning (except the kitchen). I do almost all the driving, collecting, watching at clubs

of my best friends more than half do the bulk of the childcare and family stuff, and half their wives earn more than them

of my family my sisters all earn more than their husbands and share the domestic work as equally as they can. My brother earns less than his wife and does most the childcare.