Sitting on train and questioning my life...

[PurplePrecipitations]

Apologies, this is going to be long and rambling.... lots to unpack.... I'm also aware I'm not going to come off well here but I want to be honest so go easy..

I have a friend I was close to in school. We lost touch for our 20s/early 30s but have been quite friendly again in the last 5/6 years (we're both 40). I was due to stay with her a weekend, but I ended up staying 2 weeks (marriage problems).

Friend (call her Anna) is child free and single. I know she was briefly married in her late 20s but has been single since. If I've thought about this at all, I've just vaguely felt sorry for her. As a teen all I wanted was to get married and have children so I pitied her I think (I know I know). I qualified as a nurse but gave it up to be a SAHM in my early 20s. I'm now a senior care worker. But everything I ever 'wanted' - one of each, successful husband, lovely house.

Anna isn't taking over the world, but earns around what I would had I stuck to nursing. She has a small 2 bed flat, but it's beautifully decorated in the heart of a historic city. She mainly works from home, only going 'into the office' if she's meeting clients I.e. food and drinks in the best restaurants all paid for. This happened 3 times whilst I was there. Otherwise her work life is so chilled. She gets up at 9, logs on 9.30 and works 'one hour on, half an hour off' till 5 (her words). Therefore her flat is just always clean and relaxing.

Evenings are either spent at the Italian at the end of the road (where they know her name like a movie) or whipping up quick pasta before heading out to book club, seeing friends, the other book club, late night swimming class.

She then comes home and has an hour bath with potions I have no idea what they do (and easily looks 5 years younger than me). I'm jealous. When we were in school I was the pretty popular one and I don't like this change in dynamic (I know, but I'm trying to be honest).

Grass is always greener..... and I would never never regret my kids (and soon grandkids x) but the last 2 weeks have opened my eyes to a different way of life. Her life is just so serene.

So.... tell me she's secretly lonely and bitter 🤣

No, her life sounds fabulous

It's entirely centered around her and her interests

She doesn’t sound lonely or bitters she’s living her best life. You concentrate on living yours

This 😆

But...your life also sounds wonderful. You have a wonderful family, a happy home, a career you were able to return to. Its not to be snubbed!

Her life doesn't sound better, just different.

You’re 40 and about to be a grandma? No wonder she looks 5 years younger.

her life sounds amazing, different choices 🤷‍♀️

Well it's documented that childfree people are overall happier. Good for her! Bear in mind that you have lots of things going for you that others will envy you.

But you were staying there because of 'marriage problems', so I'd imagine her life looked even more wonderful than perhaps it is?

😂 this. I’m nearly 40 with a preschooler & Anna’s life sounds fabulous.

Own your choices.

She sounds fabulous! I also want to be her. But you need to stop the comparison and find your own peace. This has nothing to do with her and her life and what she has or doesn't have. Think about the things you are grateful for and work from there.

Her life sounds amazing from the vantage point of being a busy tired mum. I was Anna until I was 40, lived alone in a bouji city flat, went out, socialised, book group (!) and kept fit. (I then met my DH and started a family at 42 and aged about a decade in a few years!).

So I've been both you and Anna sort of. And whilst right now with young DC I long for time to myself, I also remind myself it wasn't always wonderful and its a bit of both.

When you're single and live alone, going out to the local restaurant on a weekday evening or for Saturday brunch is bloody lovely. Going for walks and matinee at the cinema, all of that. Week nights there are loads of groups and things to do. If you're lucky to have other friends you can usually fill up your weekends too, and possibly dating. But, come bank holiday weekends, or a Saturday night where you didn't make plans...? It's not as easy. I used to hate long bank holidays because it was so family centred and everyone left the city to spend time with family which I didn't have. I felt conspicuous eating out alone on a Saturday night or on a bank holiday lunch time when everyone was in large groups, so I used to hibernate until things were back to a normal routine.

As Joan Rivers said, when you live alone there is nothing better than having no plans until tomorrow night. But, sometimes those plans didn't materialise for whatever reason and then it wasn't such fun.

In summary, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so (Shakespeare I think)... her life will have its ups and downs too. Her sad moments will coincide with when you're feeling at your most blessed.

Maybe try some gratitude practice your help you get perspective and feel better about your life and all the wonderful things you've been blessed with? I totally understand where you're coming from but in the end I think we have to remind ourselves about what we love about our lives, accept what we can't control and change the rest.

She does seem to have a wonderful life!
however ‘comparison is the thief of joy’

Perception is everything.

seriously many people in her shoes hate their lives - I’ve seen the posts on here many times

many people in your shoes hate their lives but some love it

its just weird but like I say perception is everything!!!

no harm in fantasising about her life though

I mean it sounds like your looking at things from an unfair vantage point - extra negatively, I mean, since you’re having marriage problems leading you to actually leave home for 2 weeks? So you’re not really being fair to yourself comparing to her at this point.

Her life sounds rather blissful.. but would you swap your life for it? Really?

This

The grass is always greener!

And we all have ‘ghost ships’ the life we could have lived but never did because we all make choices.

Childfree people are generally happier. Less stress and free to do whatever they want. I love your friends lifestyle. No wonder she looks younger

Guess it is about life choices. It's why I'm happy that I didn't get married and have my DC till mid to late 30s tbh. I enjoyed the kind of lifestyle Anna has, had many good times and progressed with my career. Meant that when I did become a parent, I felt I wasn't missing out on anything.

That said, I always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 43 now and if that hadn't happened, I think I'd have struggled to accept it. So I wouldn't necessarily be content with Anna's lifestyle.

OP, if you are nearly a grandmother and only 40, then surely the best is yet to come? My friend is in her 40s, had her now grown up DC very early, has just got her dream job and is absolutely loving life (and is a grandmother!) Must admit I'm very envious of her...

I'm not imminently about to be a granny! Buy my eldest is 18 and I'm thinking about my life trajectory!!

I know it's perception. But I'm now waiting in a suburban station to be picked up to go back to a house that is probably a tip. 12 hour shift on Friday. 'Anna' will be in the bath after the feminist book club, in a pristine bathroom with a glass of wine preparing for a 9 hour sleep.

She does drink too much..... but as she also exercises daily & has 9 hours sleep.....

Realise the last bit of my OP came across as bitch not funny. Didn't mean it like that, am just a bit bitter sweet at the moment.

And did I mention she's clever, funny, stylish and very kind...
I feel I've lost myself in the mundane I've forgotten how to be any of those things.

Back to reality.

If you've fucked off to stay witn your mate for 2 weeks cos of marriage problems, then you're not looking at her life through a clear lense. You're looking from the point of view of someone who is unhappy with their own life.

You need to fix whatever is wrong in your own life.

As a previous poster has said, if your having marriage problems then you are looking at your own life with jaundiced eyes and your friends with rose tinted specs.

Yes she does sound as if she has a nice life, but as with anyone it won’t be perfect all the time.

Im over 60 and in the middle of divorce after being married over 30years. I never had a career or have done anything apart from run a home and bring up a child. Due in part to circumstances and my husbands dominating personality I’ve never really been my own person, or followed my dreams. I do feel I could/should have done so much more. But I’m just looking forward to my future and the future me. I can only do things different starting today. I can’t undo what’s already done.

Use this experience of seeing a different life as the impetus to take charge of your own, and mould a better one for yourself. Best of luck and I hope you resolve your current problems.

She sounds wonderful but what she has, you can have. I got divorced at 42, and these days I live just like Anna. Small city centre flat, work from home until 5pm and then go out to the gym, theatre, beauty treatments, dance classes or bars. If that's what you want, you can do it as well. I love it and would never go back to living in a suburban house with a not-so-great husband.

I love Anna.

I want to be Anna.

😩😩😩

Sorry OP
at 46, my smug childfree moments just get more frequent.

you don't want her to be miserable. You are not miserable, I hope?

I sometimes think about different paths I could have taken career wise but I try to focus on reality.

What's her job? I want it!