Sitting on train and questioning my life...

[PurplePrecipitations]

Apologies, this is going to be long and rambling.... lots to unpack.... I'm also aware I'm not going to come off well here but I want to be honest so go easy..

I have a friend I was close to in school. We lost touch for our 20s/early 30s but have been quite friendly again in the last 5/6 years (we're both 40). I was due to stay with her a weekend, but I ended up staying 2 weeks (marriage problems).

Friend (call her Anna) is child free and single. I know she was briefly married in her late 20s but has been single since. If I've thought about this at all, I've just vaguely felt sorry for her. As a teen all I wanted was to get married and have children so I pitied her I think (I know I know). I qualified as a nurse but gave it up to be a SAHM in my early 20s. I'm now a senior care worker. But everything I ever 'wanted' - one of each, successful husband, lovely house.

Anna isn't taking over the world, but earns around what I would had I stuck to nursing. She has a small 2 bed flat, but it's beautifully decorated in the heart of a historic city. She mainly works from home, only going 'into the office' if she's meeting clients I.e. food and drinks in the best restaurants all paid for. This happened 3 times whilst I was there. Otherwise her work life is so chilled. She gets up at 9, logs on 9.30 and works 'one hour on, half an hour off' till 5 (her words). Therefore her flat is just always clean and relaxing.

Evenings are either spent at the Italian at the end of the road (where they know her name like a movie) or whipping up quick pasta before heading out to book club, seeing friends, the other book club, late night swimming class.

She then comes home and has an hour bath with potions I have no idea what they do (and easily looks 5 years younger than me). I'm jealous. When we were in school I was the pretty popular one and I don't like this change in dynamic (I know, but I'm trying to be honest).

Grass is always greener..... and I would never never regret my kids (and soon grandkids x) but the last 2 weeks have opened my eyes to a different way of life. Her life is just so serene.

So.... tell me she's secretly lonely and bitter 🤣

Another 'Anna' here (nc for some personal details). Honestly, for the better part it is great - centreing your life around yourself, having enough £££ for a nice life, lots of baths (so many). As another poster mentions, bank holidays and holiday seasons can be hard because that's when it becomes obvious just how much of society is shaped around the exact type of family unit that you, OP, have and Anna does not. Obviously if you're going through a shaky patch in your marriage you'll be looking at

Sorry, cut off halfway through the post:

..looking at her life through rose-tinted glasses, but I wonder too if there's also an element of surprise that a woman could take the path against the societal-approved husband/kids/nice house (which you have!), and still be happy? Thriving, even?

Anyway, be happy for Anna and her effort in keeping the bath products industry afloat, and look to your own life to figure out what you'd like to change.

You might think that her life is a bit "shallow"? All about her, all about pleasure? Not the highs and lows of marriage and children, important relationships, putting others (if only your family) first? I'm not knocking her, but that kind of single life would be frustrating to lots of people I think.

I want to be Anna too. What a lovely carefree life she has.

I think Anna's life sounds dull. I would hate to do an 'office' job at home - I would feel trapped and claustrophobic and be unable to separate work from home.
Book club in the evening ? Meh. I would rather spend my time (in the daytime) searching out interesting books at collectors fairs or charity shops than sitting around talking about them in the evening (plus doesn't 'book club' usually mean 'drinking lots of wine' - that sounds boring).
Eating out at restaurants all the time. Again - meh. I don't really find that interesting.
Taking long baths - yeah I do that. Love a long bubble bath.
Basically what I am saying is her life might look fantastic to you but really really is it a life you would want?
You can do book clubs and bubble baths even though you have children.
I wouldn't want to be Anna. It sounds a lonely life.

There’s a note of superiority in your tone to be honest. You’ve admitted here at school you were prettier and more popular than she was (in your opinion). It sounds like you’re used to being on top in your friendship and it’s rattled you that you’re not.

You describe your idyllic life but then admit you spent 2 weeks apart from your husband so maybe you aren’t as happy as you think.

Also when you were enjoying time at home as a SAHP with your children, she was presumably working with no such break from 9-5.

We all make choices and those are hers. Perhaps try to let go of the feeling of superiority (I think you’ve got that over her if you’re honest) and accept there are good snd bad things about your lives.

The grass is always greener on the other side
till u get there ….
be careful what you wish for ,you would cause an awful lot of upset to change your life for hers ..
and when your on your deathbed ,will you be thinking of a job and a flat u never had ?? Or of family you love and treasure and wish you spent more time appreciating them.

Perhaps it’s just the state of mind you are in atm with the marital problems. If you’re not happy you could have that life.

The past is the past, but you are free to make choices in your life right now that allow you to live more like Anna. Or at least start planning for a different future.
She sounds a bit like my SIL. I roll my eyes sometimes at how selfish she is, but I'm secretly jealous. Her time, her house, her money are all her own. Selflessness does not come easily or naturally to me and it is often the biggest demand of motherhood. I do make sure to prioritise myself more and more these days. When faced with a choice during the coming weeks, ask yourself " what would Anna do?" And just do that!

Is your sister actually selfish or does she only have to think of herself most of the time?

Sister in law, sorry

I'm awarding myself at least one "What would Anna do?" moment a week from now on.

Good for Anna ! She sounds like she has created a very wonderful life for herself . And so have you . Just different choices both with elements to love . She’s sounds like a great friend

I work from home a lot and hate it. I don't envy that bit of Anna's life at all!

If your kids are older, OP, why can't you join a book club or take an evening course in something interesting? (If you're near London then City Lit do a lot of interesting classes.)

I'm your age and have only just started my family. Baby isn't even 1! To me, 40 is easily young enough to do all sorts of interesting things now that your children are getting close to flying the nest.

There are also a lot of remote working jobs around now if you wanted to look into getting one of those. I can't say remote working is for everyone (and taking a half hour break every hour is not the norm) but you could see what is out there.

There are ways of incorporating elements of Anna's life into yours if you wanted to change things a bit

@OnTheBrinkOfChange It's pretty much selfishness. They have elderly parents and most of the helping out/ appointments etc fall on the other ( also single snd child free) sister and my oh. Whenever asked, SIL #1 says no for various reasons, things like " I'm not free as Iwant to go out for a walk"??! I think she's afraid of being taken advantage of maybe? And she just sees it as having good boundaries. I don't get involved with her much.

There is nothing wrong with envying your friend. I think it’s completely natural to look at other people’s lives with rose-coloured glasses and wonder what we’re missing, question whether we’ve made the “right” choices.

Nobody has a perfect life.

I kind of envy my neighbour for her WFH career + high income and for meeting and marrying the love of her life young. Every time I go to her place, she’s bought something new, and her flat looks like it’s out of a magazine, always smells amazing, etc. But her job is stressful and her marriage has its ups and downs.

On the flip-side, she envies me for being so free and having a chill job, for having a dog, for being 5yrs younger, for not being a slave to materialistic pressure, etc. Yet my living situation is cramped, doggo can be hard work, and not making much money is sometimes frustrating.

Anna will admire/envy aspects of your life just as you admire/envy aspects of hers. I think it’s really just about reflecting on what that is and how to incorporate the things you want out of life into your life. Such as divorcing and sharing custody of the children, if that’s what you want. Or otherwise having more time for yourself, or the ability to go to a city once a month and enjoy your own quiet space, culture, restaurants, etc.

it's kind of funny OP but when I read your post I thought it sounded like a book! Embrace the changes and write a novel about it, I'd read it! 😄

But apart from that, honestly, we all have highs and lows, your going through a rough patch, she's on a winning streak...it happens. Life turns on a dime so enjoy what you have the best you can.

I know an Anna. I think she'd swap it all in a heartbeat for a husband who adored her. I know not all Annas would, but just for perspective.

I spent most of my 20s into early 30s single and I longed for a husband and children, cried myself regularly to sleep. Then I got them and it’s great (ish) but life is maybe not as perfect as I assumed it would be.

My best friend lived abroad and ended up single again at 40, no children. I went to visit her and it was like this revelation that children are not the only path to a fulfilled life. She had great friends, lived in a beautiful place, did loads (busier than Anna), ran her own business.

Not that I’d want her life (and actually sadly she’s pretty unhappy right now caring for a parent), but I made changes to my own family life to make my life more fulfilled too. We moved somewhere that gives me happiness, I like nothing better than getting to the beach to see the sunset. Joined a book club! Prioritised seeing friends. DC getting older so DH and I sometimes get out for a short walk alone.

You can use this as a wake-up call to make your own life better for you.

If she is sad and lonely would that make you feel better OP?

As others have said, if its prompted you to look at your life and make some reassessments then that's probably good. Of course she had ups and downs like anyone.

I was an 'Anna' many years ago. I had a lovely flat in London, a wonderful career, friends, social life etc, etc.

My evenings consisted of having friends over, drinking lots of wine, soft music playing in the background, soft lights, beautiful setting. Forgive me, I'm reliving it as I write. I would lavish my self in beautiful potions, eat healthily,
exercise and swim.....ramble....ramble...apologies!
I had time to read all of the glossy magazines and great works of literature, go to galleries and museums.

What I also remember is that for the first moment of waking up every morning, I had an instant awareness of how lonely I felt.

Im now married, 13 yrs, have 2 lovely DGC, life is busy, hectic, elderly parents, everyone getting old.

I still use my lovely potions, drink wine with my DH, play soft music in the background, soft lights, beautiful settings, I'm still that person of old. When I wake up now, I have an instant awareness of how lucky I am and how much I love my messy, hectic family.

Im not lonely anymore. Work with what you've got, create your own lovely life. I know you busy and tired but it's worth the effort.

You can’t have everything. You made your choices, she made hers.

Your Anna sounds wonderful. I've just spent a weekend with my old friend who is also single, she left her husband a few years ago.
All I got was 'oh you're so boring' (I'm remarried with v young stepkids and a younger husband)
Everything was about how she can do whatever she pleases, how blessed she feels, how amazing she is. I got the impression she was quite lonely and jealous to be honest. Known her 35 years and this was the first time she's been like this, the only difference being I'm married now.

This is why I’m glad I had DD when I was 20. I can be Anna when I’m 40 ;)
If you want this life, you can build it for yourself. Maybe not identical, and maybe not immediately, but an approximation. I know plenty of Anna’s who went on to have kids afterwards, so they get both too, but I’d rather do it my way- this way round, I get the hard part out of the way first and then get to be selfish while my daughter is living her own life. I’m truly looking forward to spa days together when she’s in her late teens/20s. Now she’s more independent I’ve joined a gym and am looking more closely at my eating so I can head into my 30s fitter than I’ve ever been.

Quite simply, there’s no point stewing in jealousy when you could see her as an inspiration.

We all laughed at my stepdad when he decided to move to a retirement flat, but the jokes on us now. He lives like an elegant male Anna, in his beautifully curated little flat full of stylish and interesting things. He's constantly busy with his various groups and meeting up with old friends, going to galleries etc. He spends loads of time with his grandkids too.

I've completely rethought my retirement now, I basically want to be him. If I have to bin DP to achieve it then I will. Ten more years, tick tock.