Sitting on train and questioning my life...

[PurplePrecipitations]

Apologies, this is going to be long and rambling.... lots to unpack.... I'm also aware I'm not going to come off well here but I want to be honest so go easy..

I have a friend I was close to in school. We lost touch for our 20s/early 30s but have been quite friendly again in the last 5/6 years (we're both 40). I was due to stay with her a weekend, but I ended up staying 2 weeks (marriage problems).

Friend (call her Anna) is child free and single. I know she was briefly married in her late 20s but has been single since. If I've thought about this at all, I've just vaguely felt sorry for her. As a teen all I wanted was to get married and have children so I pitied her I think (I know I know). I qualified as a nurse but gave it up to be a SAHM in my early 20s. I'm now a senior care worker. But everything I ever 'wanted' - one of each, successful husband, lovely house.

Anna isn't taking over the world, but earns around what I would had I stuck to nursing. She has a small 2 bed flat, but it's beautifully decorated in the heart of a historic city. She mainly works from home, only going 'into the office' if she's meeting clients I.e. food and drinks in the best restaurants all paid for. This happened 3 times whilst I was there. Otherwise her work life is so chilled. She gets up at 9, logs on 9.30 and works 'one hour on, half an hour off' till 5 (her words). Therefore her flat is just always clean and relaxing.

Evenings are either spent at the Italian at the end of the road (where they know her name like a movie) or whipping up quick pasta before heading out to book club, seeing friends, the other book club, late night swimming class.

She then comes home and has an hour bath with potions I have no idea what they do (and easily looks 5 years younger than me). I'm jealous. When we were in school I was the pretty popular one and I don't like this change in dynamic (I know, but I'm trying to be honest).

Grass is always greener..... and I would never never regret my kids (and soon grandkids x) but the last 2 weeks have opened my eyes to a different way of life. Her life is just so serene.

So.... tell me she's secretly lonely and bitter 🤣

I reconnected with an old uni friend who was an Anna when I was in my 30s with a dismal marriage and young kids. She was a hospital doctor so could make sure she was working on bank holidays if she needed to be occupied (although she had a couple of mates in the same situation so would often spend time with them). I used to envy her immaculate, calm house and her freedom. We’re now 50. She’s newly married and is having significant problems with one of her adult stepkids and her husband’s parent is frail and demanding. I think she’s wondering if she made the right choices and whether she should now make changes.

I think you need to work on your marriage (or end it amicably if that’s the right move) and look at the way the domestic stuff is managed. You shouldn’t be returning to a tip from time away.

She sounds amazing.

I can’t imagine many people would allow a weekend visit turn into a two week stay.

It’s a pity you’ve come away from her home keen to bitch and moan about how she’s not miserable.

Sounds like you’re unhappily married, wanted to spend time with someone who is unhappily single so you could feel smug and validated, and now you’re even crosser because that hasn’t happened.

Unfortunately, you reap what you sow. Giving up a chance of a career in your early twenties wasn’t a wise move. Giving up your life, independence, and freedom to support a husband also not smart.

Yes one thing I don't understand is why you don't have time for books clubs and the like. I'm your age and my dc are very young which is bloody hard work as you'll know, but surely now your kids are 18 you've got your evenings back? And much more independence than before?

Have you told Anna you envy her lifestyle, complimented her on looking so young etc.

If you do she may share how she feels about it, or let you know the downsides.

I met a woman recently, through a shared interest, who is exactly the same age as me. I married at 24, had 2 children close together, got divorced when they were 2 and 3 because of husband's affair. I worked as a supply teacher , short term contracts in schools for years whilst they were small. I was broke permanently. I bought us an ugly , but practical bungalow. Married again and have a lovely life now. She had a career in London organising huge events for corporations. Most evenings she was at a lovely party . She had a flat in a nice part of London , lovely clothes, busy, glamorous, life. She was made redundant in lockdiwn and moved back to our local area. When my children were 7 and 9 I was still a single parent. I would have looked at her life and wished with all my heart that it was mine. I mentioned my new grandson who was 4 months old at the time. She just said " Oh I would kill to be a granny. I prioritised a job that didn't allow real time for a meaningful relationship and children and now its far too late. ". She looked at my life with longing. I would have looked at hers in the same way years ago. I am very glad things are as they are now . Try to look for the best things in your life Op. The life you have is the life you have. Change some if it but try to appreciate what you have.

I love the way we always have to slip in the dig about the childfree woman having a job 'but not taking over the world.' Because if you're not a high flyer and don't have kids, gasp what are you doing!! 🙄

Anyway, I agree with others it's easy to look in and like someone else's life but that just leads to more sorrow, I look a bit like Anna from the outside but gasp I'm no high flyer, I just like my job, make enough, my 'child' and 'career' is a horrible health condition that I have to plan my life around all the f*cking time, an invisible one so many people judge I have an easy life.

Whats up with your marriage @PurplePrecipitations?

If your eldest is 18 then why haven't you got time for yourself? Why would the house be a tip when you come home from being away? It sounds like you do a lot when in reality the housework, cooking etc should be split. At 18 your child should be able to cook a family meal at least once a week. My two, 19 and 16 will be cooking tomorrow night's dinner. The eldest is going back to uni soon.

I am wondering if the sahm aspect has meant you still carry an unfair burden of the above. As in you still do everything you did as a sahm but have now added work into that.

Make time for yourself, go out, join a book club. Have an hour long bath.

Why cant you live the life you want if your kids arent tiny? Stop making excuses and being jealous. You got what you wanted out of life.

Her life sounds amazing as well im sure she thanks her lucky stars every day how good it is.

Well you have different lives. Anna being miserable won't make you happier! The grass is always greener and that. Sounds like she has a lovely life but it also sounds like you've made choices that have made you happy (even if you're currently in a bit of a bad patch). I will say though, there is nothing so ageing as children. I'm mid 30s and I'd say the biggest difference between those of us with kids and those without is how much younger the child-free bunch look! I blame sleep deprivation

The thing is OP, you can't really compare in the sense that you really wanted children and she didn't. (I'm assuming this as you describe her as childfree rather than childless). So if you had her life you would probably be a bit miserable because you hadn't had them.

I'm childfree because I never wanted children, so I don't understand the longing for them that other women experience, but I imagine it would be very hard to want children and a husband and not have them. So it's a totally different scenario.

You are not her, try and make your own life great. Time with her has held a mirror up to the things in your own life that you are unhappy with, so work on them. Nobody's life is perfect.