I work a very typical Monday to Thursday office job. Admin. You know. Usual. I had some annual leave so decided to book a day off. I have a 2 year old very energetic toddler. I joke she's like a labrador puppy. Needs walking and exercise in all weather's. Had the bright idea to go to soft play. We don't go often and it would burn off some energy. This idea would come round to bite me in the arse.
So off we plodded. Now I don't know about the soft play near you but ours is split into toddler and babies and then at the upper end is a bigger kids section. I got my tea and watched my little angel playing in the ball pit with some other toddlers. Feeling almost a Christmas card moment of 'this is one of those memories I'll look back one day'. If this was a film heart warming music would be playing. I turned to add my milk to my tea and in the 4.6 seconds my back was turned she'd sprinted up to the big kids section like a cat seeing a mouse. Didn't even know she could move that quick. But we live and learn.
I gave chase. It wasn't overly busy but I couldn't see her. Slightly cursing myself now for not dressing her all in yellow and maybe adding some chtlristmas lights round her neck for ease of finding. By the time I'd found her she was at the top of the soft play section. Just sitting there mockingly calling mama. Now she was about 4 centimeteres from the slide. The slide that leads to the bottom. So looking like a child abductor I tried to entice her down the slide. Offering her sweets at one point just cementing my slightly creepy vibes I'm giving off. Doesn't help she's a clone of her dad and the only similarity we share is she has the same dimple in her cheek but I doubt that would stand up in court if I was accused of abduction. She started to do that awful high pitched whiney cry toddlers excel at. I translated it as a combination of 'come and get me if you want me and 'that slide is way too tall and if you don't get me I'm stuck here forever'
So this is where my mistakes began. I decided to go find my way to the top. Now these were clearly designed for at most a tall 10 year old not a nearly 30 year old mum who's still carrying a bit of baby weight and pisses herself when she makes a sudden movement never mind vaulting over soft play blocks to find my child. To be fair I was getting into the swing of it and was imagining myself in total wipeout totally smashing it and winning the prize. Whatever that may be.
After finding my way halfway up I realised I was stuck and not just a little bit stuck but oh fuck I'm actually stuck. Cursing myself and my toddler I started to ponder my life trapped. And if work would accept my excuse tomorrow. Of course soft play was now busy as schools had kicked out. So eventually a nice member of staff noticed that an almost 30 year old woman probably shouldn't be in the soft play area and enquired if I needed help. In a tone we usually use with the small children or elderly. But fuck it help was help. There appeared to be a back entrance which I assume the staff use to access it rather than doing what I do. And she let me out. I didn't know I could bend that way to get out but desperation. Leaving me to do the walk of shame past a multitude of parents.
To add insult to injury my little cherub had decided mummy wasn't coming and had gone down the slide that was oh so scary a while ago and had fucked off back to the toddler section.
I can never go back.
I'm googling soft play centres in the Bermuda triangle and consoling myself with wine.
Feel free to laugh at my pain or share some of your own!