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Original poster

How to get a DNA test (discreetly)?

60 replies

54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 13:11

So, there is a question about my parentage (aged 54...)

I don't want to ask the man I grew up calling Dad.
I don't much want to ask my (possibly half) Brother.
It's not possible to sneakily steal a 'hairbrush / toothbrush'. I can't do that.

I do have contact with a family member of the other potential Dad's family.
How best to go about it ?

OP posts:
MyOwnPrivateGardenHoe · 15/09/2022 13:55

Can you do an Ancestry test? See who that throws up relative wise? Might answer your questions without having to alert anyone.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 14:36

@MyOwnPrivateGardenHoe

I guess but if the family I am trying to see if I am related to is not 'on' Ancestry (they won't be) then will it be any use or just an expensive waste of time ?

OP posts:
Nagado · 15/09/2022 14:45

You could buy them an ancestry dna test as a gift, wait until they’ve done theirs and then you do one. But they’ll be notified if you’re a match with them and they’ll be able to work out that they’re not a match with you if they know your user name and that you’ve done a test, so proceed with caution.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Georgeskitchen · 15/09/2022 14:52

Could you not just talk to them.and ask if they would be willing to submit a test?

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 14:52

@Nagado
It's not possible to 'buy them a kit as a gift'.

OP posts:
Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 14:53

@Georgeskitchen No they won't help at all.
I could ask the other potential 'side of the family'
this would be the sister of the likely father

OP posts:
cultkid · 15/09/2022 14:56

Do you ever see them?

Lindy2 · 15/09/2022 15:01

If you do an Ancestry test yourself and your
father is someone different from your current family situation, potentially you would see that from the results.

If any of your actual father's relatives are on Ancestry you'll be matched with them.

It could throw up a can of worms for them though.

On our Ancestry tree a cousin has been matched as a possible half sibling with someone none of us know. The person has posted their results and seen their matches but has not responded to messages sent to them by the cousin. I'm hoping they haven't had a terrible shock as it's been a bit of a surprise to us.

Fingernails4Cash · 15/09/2022 15:02

23andme do saliva dna tests. About £70 each.
People do them for many reasons, mostly just because they are interested.

You do one and also ask any potential blood relative in either family to do one. Whether you do this surreptitiously as a gift or through honestly asking them to help you. This will help to confirm or eliminate the line of enquiry.

Good luck

BuffaloCauliflower · 15/09/2022 15:03

Is there anyone on your dads side who would test?

KassandraOfSparta · 15/09/2022 15:03

Ancestry is possible but you couldn't do it on the sly. The Ancestry test involves spitting in a tube, not hair or cheek scraping cells.

I would advise doing it on yourself first. When your matches come back, you can start by sorting out the ones which belong to your maternal side and the go for there. DNA won't give you all the answers. You'll have to build family trees to see how everyone fits together, given that many of your matches are likely to be 3rd, 4th, 5th cousins or even more distant. Once you start slotting matches into your tree, you should be able to identify whether you are matching with expected people on the paternal side, or not expected people.

It is complicated though and if you're very new to the world of genealogy and DNA testing I would advise getting help. There are lots of Facebook groups, where there are some very knowledgeable people (and some much less knowledgeable people). Or you could hire a professional genealogist to help you.

Wouldloveanother · 15/09/2022 15:04

I would just say you’re doing ancestry, would he mind submitting a sample as his side of the family’s history is a bit bare.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 15/09/2022 15:14

I am personally of the view that there are some things best left unknown.

Because as much as you might say you just want to know, the reality is that if you find out that your dad isn’t your dad, you are going to have feelings about that, and what will you do with them?

Tell your dad he’s not your dad? Risk your parents’ marriage assuming they’re still together?

Tell the other man and risk his telling you he doesn’t want to know?

Risking rejection from both your dad’s family as well as your biological dad’s family?

plus you really can’t get someone DNA tested on the sly, no matter how important this is to you. It’s a huge violation to put someone’s DNA out there who hasn’t consented. There are very valid reasons why people don’t sign up to Ancestry DNA and the like, because the potential for DNA to fall into the wrong hands in the future is very real.

I would go NC with someone who stole my DNA without my knowledge or consent, regardless of the outcome.

KassandraOfSparta · 15/09/2022 15:22

I'm not sure how you could do an Ancestry test without the test-taker knowing. It's not every day someone asks you to fill a tube with spit.

Agree though that some things are best left unknown. DH has done an Ancestry test, it turns out that his great grandfather (his dad's grandfather) is not the person everyone thought he was. We have not told FIL about this, and do not intend to either. He speaks fondly of his grandfather and what would be the point of telling him, in his late 70s, that his grandfather wasn't his grandfather at all.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 15:22

54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 14:53

@Georgeskitchen No they won't help at all.
I could ask the other potential 'side of the family'
this would be the sister of the likely father

Does she know there's potential for him to be your father?

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 17:08

So I have no intention of 'stealing someone's DNA'.

The person who I was brought up to believe was my Dad possibly isn't.
My Brother is the only relative & he has £ interest in me not being a full sibling.
So, I cannot ask either of them.
The person who possibly is my Dad is dead.
There are some distant rellies who might help but might not (tho one has suggested it so might be willing to test with me - the sister of possible Dad)

As to 'leave it in the past'. Well, I need to know who my Dad is (my kids too)
My Mother lied about her name and address on my Birth Cert so who knows what else she lied about? Maybe she didn'tt know herself but gave the version she wanted to be true? Clearly though my Brother will not 'help' me like she said he would so it might be the time to clarify things.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 15/09/2022 17:12

Money wise genetics won't matter. If he was on your birth certificate then you would be recognised as his child

BadNomad · 15/09/2022 17:13

If the suspected aunt is willing to do a DNA test, then that will show you if you have a familial connection to that side of the family.

HardLanding · 15/09/2022 17:16

I was/am in a similar position. I’m a Scientist.

First of all you need a reputable company.

Secondly, there are several combinations.

You need yourself, your mother and a sibling.

Yourself, a sibling/a potential sibling, potential father/fathers.

In my case, I’ll never find out because the potential fathers are related, I don’t speak to my mother and none of my siblings will cooperate.

Thirdly, you need a decent sample that hasn’t been contaminated, so a toothbrush won’t do. Hairbrush, you have no idea who’s used it and you could get an erroneous result, that’s even if there’s a follicle to be used.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 17:23

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 15/09/2022 17:12

Money wise genetics won't matter. If he was on your birth certificate then you would be recognised as his child

'Dad' B was on the Birth Cert yes, but she was married to Dad H. They had a child, we all lIved with Dad H. I was a child of that marriage & that family.
I was brought up as Miss H. Sent to School as Miss H.
No idea of 'Dad B' until I was 16.
On her deathbed my Mother wasn't so sure.

@Badnomad - maybe I need to ask suspected Aunt yes, but would that be definative as @HardLanding says you need more relations that just one?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 15/09/2022 17:31

54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 17:23

'Dad' B was on the Birth Cert yes, but she was married to Dad H. They had a child, we all lIved with Dad H. I was a child of that marriage & that family.
I was brought up as Miss H. Sent to School as Miss H.
No idea of 'Dad B' until I was 16.
On her deathbed my Mother wasn't so sure.

@Badnomad - maybe I need to ask suspected Aunt yes, but would that be definative as @HardLanding says you need more relations that just one?

Show quote history

It will be enough to tell you if you are related, but it won't be able to tell you how you are related. Are Dad B and Dad H related in any way (that you know of)?

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 15/09/2022 17:33

Why do your kids need to know? Given the possible dad is dead, what purpose does it serve?

Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Do your children have a good relationship with their grandfather/

I had an aunt who it transpired after my nan’s death was not the child of the man they believed to be the father.

The ramifications of finding out that news was huge, not because of the aunt, she’d died in a car accident some years before, but the rest of the siblings were left in absolute confusion and an emotional state wondering whether they had also been fathered by different men.

There was in fact 0 reason for this information to become public knowledge. My nan was dead, the child of the affair was dead, the father (the one who was supposedly all of their father) was a waste of space who had pissed off years before and we subsequently found out he had 2 more children who no-one knew about and who didn’t know he’d been married before and had 5 children.

The only thing that came out of it all was tremendous upset. Even though the father was a twat and no-one had seen him in decades, the news still caused huge amounts of upset.

There’s a lot more to being a father than blood.

SurpriseSurprise · 15/09/2022 17:38

So the Dad who brought you up isn’t the Dad named on your birth certificate?

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 17:38

@GhostFromTheOtherSide
with all due respect, my situation is different from yours.
Its quite reasonable for both myself & my chidren to know who they're related to.

OP posts:
Original poster
54isanopendoor · 15/09/2022 17:44

@GhostFromTheOtherSide
posted too soon ... also cooking dinner ... meant to say ...
'I am sorry that you have had a complex situation to deal with too'

OP posts: