How to get a DNA test (discreetly)?

[54isanopendoor]

So, there is a question about my parentage (aged 54...)

I don't want to ask the man I grew up calling Dad.
I don't much want to ask my (possibly half) Brother.
It's not possible to sneakily steal a 'hairbrush / toothbrush'. I can't do that.

I do have contact with a family member of the other potential Dad's family.
How best to go about it ?

On a 23 and me, any closeish relative of the dad is fine. You will either share a decent amount of dna or not so it will be pretty obvious.

Even a 2nd cousin is 2-6% shared dna

if not related, it will just be zero

23 and me will tell you if you can get any blood relative of his to do it. About 65 - 75 quid each.

Do people really rely on these and let it effect your whole life?
What's the average error rate of these companies?
Samples getting mixed up, contaminated samples, computer errors, human error etc.
I wouldn't base my whole life on a cheap test by some random company that have been set up to make a profit.

How lovely for you to be so secure in the knowledge of your parentage.

Not everyone is so fortunate

A DNA test done by a court approved company is not cheap. It cost my exSIL in the region of around £600 when my brother decided to be a colossal twat and deny he was the father. They’re also the company I spoke to about my predicament.

As for Ancestry, I can’t comment. It wouldn’t be useful for me due to the potential fathers being related so I’ve never investigated.

@LovePoppy where in my post does it say I'm secure about my parentage?
As @HardLanding has pointed out the court uses a much more expensive procedure which I'm sure is more reliable.
These companies are making money from vulnerable people who are possibly making conclusions about their whole life which could be wrong.

Yes.
But I only have my Mother's word for that.
And she lied about her own name on it.
So, who knows?
My Dad is now 88 & getting quite muddled. I don't want to put any stress on him.
My Brother is not going to behave properly after Dad passes.
He didn't about my Mum's passing even.
And Mum told me she wanted her grandchildren treated the same.
My Brother didn't even pass across the cheques she left for them.
If I can prove Dad is really my Dad then my Brother has to behave fairly.
If not / he isn't then I will have a much harder time of it.

We traced my paternal grandfather through DNA Ancestry testing without even a name. It is doable, if you are patient. It sounds as though you have a potential name.

Test and see who comes up as matches. Build up a family tree, pop a little note about what you’re trying to do on your bio. We had to contact strangers on FB to talk to them about it. In our case all the main players were already dead, so no DNA from them, although our Mum tested for us, which helped. If your potential half sister doesn’t mind testing that will really help you. Good luck!

We did our whole family. My dad told my brother that he wasn’t his dad. 23 and me proved that me and him were full siblings. I have had me, dh, all my siblings and kids done. There is no doubt that the samples are ours as they match up as expected.

I did ancestry I matched with my dad's cousins

Honestly, I would just do an Ancestry DNA test. I don’t know half my biological family but it very clearly showed who I was related to and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. You absolutely will have distant cousins who will have done it and it will likely be quite obvious without having to ask anyone else to test.

You can do the test with the other family member and they will be able
To tell you if there is a family link , there are a few labs out there that do this

There are plenty of reputable labs that do this test and the chain of custody is strictly followed so there is no "samples mixed up etc etc, the sample
Collectors are highly trained

But Ancestry test would be a straightforward way of eliminating one side if you never got any links from that side.

He doesn’t have to do shit unless it’s directly written in the will, regardless of DNA

@HardLanding
not sure who 'doesn't have to do shit'? but if you mean my brother then yes
he does have to share if Dad dies without a will (even if there is a will I could contest it). If he's not my bio Dad its more complicated its true. But my Mum wanted her grandchildren to inherit something so I will pursue it if I can.

thanks to all who have replied. I think my 1st option is to ask potential Dad B's sister if she'll take a DNA test with me.

Your brother doesn’t have to do shit. This varies depending on whether you’re in Scotland or not.

However, if he already hasn’t passed on money from your mother, what makes you think he’d play ball with your father? Contesting a will is time consuming and extremely expensive, and more often than not, not worth it, unless there are vast sums of money involved.

I'm afraid if your mother wanted your children to inherit, that should have been in her will. If she left it all to your father, expecting him to leave some to the grandchildren, that was foolish and you’d have no chance in court.

OP, you say your mother lied about her name on the birth certificate, I don’t want to complicate things further, but is it possible you’re adopted?

also, with regards to inheritance, if money isn’t left to you in the will there is very little you will be able to do about it.

Contesting a will is incredibly expensive, and there are no guarantees.

I’m afraid you’re unlikely to get the outcome you’re seeking here, and run the risk of being hurt even further.

I will use a no win no fee firm to contest the situation when Dad dies yes.
There are no family relationships left worth having to ruin at that point (my Brother's behaviour re Mum has been truely awful)
My children deserve to inherit as much as his do.
I spoke to a contentious probate lawyer who said that, as 'a child of the marriage' (& given my personal circs) it was worth a shot. So I will.
I just wondered, given what my Mother said at the end, who my Father really is.
If it is Mr H, & he dies intestate, then my Brother would have to share, so it is worth finding out now perhaps. I'll see if anyone in either side of family will help.

So this is all about he fact that "dad" (whether he is or isn't) hasn't left you any money in his will? Even if he is your father, you are not entitled to an inheritance.

No. It's about who my Father really is (brought up again by Mother at her death).
Dad hasn't died, & may leave his money to whomever he wishes when he does.
Or it may be used up in care home fees.
But my Brother's intention to cut my children out of the family (& this example of it, his saying: 'the house will be mine when he dies') has upset me yes.

@54isanopendoor i think you have posted about this before. it’s clear you need to know for your own peace of mind.

If your potential Aunt is willing, take her up on her offer.

No Win No Fee only take cases on that they will win and win a lot of money. They don’t risk working for free. Some of them are fucking inept at best, the rest will take 60% of whatever you get.

On the issue of whether your brother will do right by you and your family, I think that you need legal advice before (or instead of) a dna test...