How to get a DNA test (discreetly)?

[54isanopendoor]

So, there is a question about my parentage (aged 54...)

I don't want to ask the man I grew up calling Dad.
I don't much want to ask my (possibly half) Brother.
It's not possible to sneakily steal a 'hairbrush / toothbrush'. I can't do that.

I do have contact with a family member of the other potential Dad's family.
How best to go about it ?

Given the legal aspect to all of this, I wouldn't advise the genealogy/DNA route in this case - you really need to get a lawyer on board to disentangle it all.

Does your brother know your dad might not be your dad?

@Fingernails4Cash @KassandraOfSparta

Yes I think I do.
I had thought that definitive DNA proof might be needed first, for legal advice.
My thread title was about if / how I could do that without upsetting anyone.
But it seems that it might not be straightforward (tho the 'aunt' might help)
Maybe I look at it the other way around?

My Mother was a liar. There is no proof whose child I am except a birth cert which contains at least 2 deliberate misrepresentations.
She was also old fashioned. So, when she died she didn't make a will leaving anything to either child as 'the house is Dad's he went to work all those years'. Dad WONT make a will. My Brother will take any question about my parentage to mean anything left (if there is anything) when Dad dies belongs 100% to him. Morally, 25% of it should come to me & my kids (ie my half of mums half).
But legally its a different case. I'm stuffed. Probably. I'll phone around & find out.

It's not really / not only about what Dad might or might not leave financially.
(it wont' be much - there is a small cottage & nothing else at all)

My Brother has behaved appallingly before & after Mum died too.
Despite living locally (i'm a long way away) he didn't even know she was ill.
I had to write to tell him - she had cancer & needed urgent help.
He behaved very badly just after (didn't follow her wishes either)
She had a couple of 'pocket money' accounts for my kids.
After she died Brother closed them. Cheques paid out. That was in May.
He's still not passed them on to the kids. No excuse for such pettiness.
The latest is that 'he will send them up with the ashes that Dad is not ready to face sorting yet' (I have clearly said that Dad is NOT to be rushed) & 'btw can you send up the contents of the box that Mum gave (18 y/o grandson in person before death) as we are worried about what financial papers may be in it'.
I don't think he will behave any better when Dad gets ill. I'd like to establish my parentage so that I have more say in what happens at the end for him too.
My Brother is all about the money. I would like to see at least one parent (& if he isn't my 'real Dad' he is the man who I've lived with all my life, who gave me away at my wedding when I changed my name from his, who decorated my 1st flat for me etc etc etc) have a dignified ending. My Brother considers it none of my business as I am 'not family'. Well, I WAS my Mum's child. And I still AM family.

Pretend you're doing a Covid test on your father and get a cheek swab that way?

So, the potential Aunt would ideally show as NOT related to you, as this would mean theoretically that you are your dad's child? This would indicate that your brother is your full brother, not half-brother.

It would also mean in the absence of a will, that you and your brother would inherit equally - which is what your mum and "hopeful" dad intend(ed). However, your brother has said that you're not his dad's child according to your birth certificate, so you (and your children) will get nothing.

If only your Dad would write a will to confirm his true wishes, but due to his frail health, this has been deemed impossible. Is there any way to revisit this or have him make a Declaration of Parentage? (I did a quick Google, so have no knowledge of this, but it can be issued by a court and you can request your birth certificate to be corrected/ amended.)

You are not wrong to try to establish your paternity and secure your rightful share of any future possible inheritance, as per your parents wishes. But if you wait until it is too late, I fear that any potential inheritance will be eaten up in legal fees. Whereas formalising your parentage/ inheritance before you lose your dad, will be financially and emotionally a worthwhile investment.

Your situation is so complex @54isanopendoor and I agree you need specialist legal help to disentangle it all. The way I see it from the outside there are two main questions.

1 - Inheritance. I am not a lawyer and I am not sure of the legal position with someone whose birth certificate has been deliberately falsified by a parent. Do they have the same rights to inherit or not? This is the sort of thing which a lawyer will be able to advise on. There might not be an issue and they may advise you that DNA won't ever be required by courts.

2 - who is your biological father. Independent of the issue of inheritance really. You need to resolve the legal inheritance mess first and then decide whether you want to investigate who your biological father is/was. I would STRONGLY advise that you have some sort of counselling first to work through the issues as it's so clear you've been hugely affected by this. Taking an Ancestry test and plunging into contacting your matches could open a massive can of worms and do more harm than good.

Please proceed with caution and take care of yourself.

I never until last year knew who my biological father is, I am 59. You don't necessarily need your mum or a sibling to have done the DNA test, there are all sorts of possibilities. I found out the secret of who my biological father is without my mother or any of her family, including my siblings, ever knowing that I know that my "Dad" is not actually my father. (I found out as a teenager that he wasn't, but never told anyone I knew, and they still don't know.).

I got lucky because my biological father's sister had done Ancestry and so she showed up as a full aunt on my DNA matches, and from there I could, using birth and marriage records, and a social worker report on me as a baby, and other records, figure out who my father is (I also got lucky that my biological grandfather had been somewhat of a local celebrity at one point in his late life, so there were media items about him and his family which made it easier to triangulate what had happened).

PS your brother sounds appalling and I am sorry about that.

@ClaryFairchild I don't think I could bring myself to do that no.
@hedgehoglurker that would be ideal yes, but he is firmly under Brother's paw.
@KassandraOfSparta yes I wondered if my Certificate is legally 'null & void' as it has been falsified (I did chat about this on a different thread a few weeks back which was more about my family's bad behaviour around the time of the death but I think it would need a lawyer to clarify) thank you for the kindness in your 2nd point. I did have some excellent counselling when younger (another family member was abusive) but Mother's death & brother's actions have stirred it up.
@catandcandle thanks for your words about Brother. yes, he really is I think.
I am glad that you got your situation sorted out. It's amazing how hard it can be x

Re the children’s cheques.
someone on here had a similar issue, I think the post is over in legal. She was able to contact the bank, have those cheques cancelled and new ones sent directly to the children.