I hate myself for caring so much about how my DD does academically at school.

[Dickens222]

I've name changed for this because I feel like such an asshole.

My DD has just started secondary school. They've announced a baseline maths test in a couple of weeks to start streaming and I can't believe how much I care about her doing really well and going into the top set (even though they can move up and down through the year so it's not fixed).

The school take into consideration her current performance in class, data from old school and I guess SATS. She got 112 in SATS. I've got no idea how this compares to others, I never discussed it with anyone. Her final maths report was glowing, and she always did pretty well.

But she's also sloppy. Makes errors. She came back today and told me she'd got stupid stuff wrong in maths today. Reader, I CANT BELIEVE HOW STRESSFUL I FOUND IT TO HEAR THAT.

I felt awful, really awful feeling it so much. I know it's my own stuff, my academic schooling and my fear of her being judged - me being judged. But it keeps rising up and she knows it. She can see it.

I need to get a reality check, please! But I am here opening up so people can kindly get me back in line, but without judging me for being honest.

I think it’s really good you’ve noticed this, but would really recommend you work with someone unpicking where yours stuff comes from and how to manage and navigate it.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting her to do well. 112 is really good SAT grade, but depends on her cohort how that compares, schools vary a fair bit.

Would it help to think about the other qualities she has and make a point of noticing them as well?

I really don’t think wanting her to do well academically is a big problem though, for girls particularly it can make a big difference to opportunities later in life if they are well qualified.

What’s the implication of her being only “ ok” at maths then ? What happens? Imagine she’s more an English whizz and sits in the middle of the class for maths ( not brilliant - not awful) what does that mean to you ?

It is good to care.
It isn't good to over pressurise ad stress about it.
Stupid mistakes don't matter too much in y7, what is more important is understanding the method. Stupid mistakes only matter when GCSEs hit.
What set she is in is dependent on everyone else's ability, and also on school setting policy. Lots of schools split y7 into 2 or 3 or 4 groups and only set within them, so have parallel top sets. Other schools may set across the whole year group.
It is better to be in a lower set being taught at her ability/speed than get lost in a higher set.

You might be being a bit hard on yourself. Surely you just want the best for her and know she has it in her to do well?

I think i would key into....how does she feel about the sloppy performance? Was she kicking herself or more like 'well, I won't make that mistake next time' ?

You need some perspective. Their ultimate success will not be on what grades they got but their personalities and ability to succeed in their given field. I have several degrees. My brother barely managed a couple of GCSEs he is a very successful man and earns a LOT of money.

They will be what they will be.

First of all , it's very rare that a parent is judged(by the school at least) by their child's academic ability /achievement. It only happens if the parent is completely disinterested or actually holding a child back.

Second, what you really need to practice your reaction,especially in front of her. You say she sees it and knows it. That will add extra pressure on her,fear of failing,fear of disappointing you etc. So keep it very short and simple "ok, you can always try again next time" , " it's fine, there is always another test" , "well done for trying " etc. Calm, measured and positive. You can then let it all out either to yourself or a friend /her other parent later. Give her examples of when you did silly mistakes or rushed and show/tell her it's ok ,as long as you try again next time. Ask her if there's anything she actually struggles/needs help with and maybe you can revisit together. Reminders to take her time and check things if she can. Then just move on. It happened. It's not the end of the world.

Then there's some work you actually need to do on yourself. Where is this coming from? What are your actual worries and fears? What's the worst that can happen? You need to explore all this and be honest with yourself and figure out how they are linked to your own self esteem,world view and how you view yourself. This can be quite a long process. Just keep reminding yourself that she is her own person, with her own personality,likes and dislikes, highs and lows and not just a reflection of you.

I don't see why this is such an issue to be honest. As long as her academic ability is not all you care about, it seems natural that you would want her to do the best she can.

I don’t think you’re at fault for caring/pushing, provided your expectations are within your DD’s capabilities and you don’t let her performance come between you.

You can help her if she wants/needs the help but initiative and work ethic are probably a pre-determined part of who she is and I don’t know how much you can do about those.

Have a 🍷

Is she your only child? I sometimes think one of the hardest things about having only one child is that they represent your parenting entirely, whereas with other children you are more aware that many things are a roll of the dice, outwith your control.

The important thing is that she doesn't realise how much you care and become stressed or feels your pride/love is conditional on doing well.

Would it help to focus on the subjective nature of sets, that she could be in a different set based entirely on how the other children perform. Did you try to get her into a high-performing school?

Wanting her to do well is commendable, caring how she compares is not.

My SIL works at a school that has a less academic group of students every 4 years, so the ranking is lower that year and the pushy parents choose a different school. This year would have kids getting to be top, who wouldn't be in the other 3 years. Where you place in the "rankings" doesn't mean much at all.

I used to get in all my maths reports comments like 'still makes too many careless mistakes'. I got 99% and 97% for my mock maths O level papers (marks lost by careless mistakes) and went on to do a maths degree. At age 11 they're not the end of the world, it will probably improve with maturity.

If it makes you feel any better, OP, I feel a bit like this and my kid is only 5!! (LOL)

Ah, I mean, give yourself a break. So what if you want her to do well and have feelings about that? It's not like you did anything but listen to her and you didn't give her a hard time. You managed your own stuff about it all separately and recognised that your feelings might be too loud about it.

I mean - you're human. Let it pass. No harm was done.

OP - I think we all carry more expectations for how our children will be than we realise, and as you recognise it’s caught up in all sort of stuff from our own childhoods.

My eldest child has ADHD, and finds areas of school really difficult. It’s absolutely shocked me how hard I’ve found this to come to terms with, I feel ashamed of myself actually. All these assumptions I had about how his life would be that I don’t think o even realised I had? Also whilst I thought I was very open minded it does make me wonder how althogh I didn’t think o judged people on their academic achievement I actually did at some level! It is interesting even writing this I want to add something about his intelligence!

i do think it’s something worth challenging yourself on a little - whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting a child to do well, it is true that this doesn’t necessarily equate to a happy life. I’ve really had to face this with my DS as he ended up in a deeply unhappy place - it sort of forced me to reevaluate a lot of things about what I thoughts I’d wanted and values for my DC.

In terms of her future it just doesn’t matter. At this stage whatever her future career is this will have no bearing at all. I scraped through school and just about did enough, very average gcses and two crap a levels. I then did a degree and masters etc etc and was in the right place, right industry, worked hard, had opportunities that I was in a position to take, got on with people at work and had good relationships. Success in life and work is more than year 7 at secondary school.

I think you need to be careful that you don't make your daughter feel like a failure if she isn't anything other than top in top set at Maths.

Were you under a lot of pressure when you were at school? Or do you have any unfulfilled school ambition? Could this be where it’s coming from?

It's good that you want her to do well. Some parents don't care! It's also ok if she knows that you want her to do well (although of course not good to put her under too much pressure - it sounds like you're really aware of this). I knew that my parents hoped for me to achieve well academically, and it helped me succeed because I wanted to please them. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to make helpful productive comments ("sounds like you need a bit more practice on fractions? Anything I can do to help?") rather than being too hard on her or making her feel stupid.

I could be you ! Mine got 116 in SATS and has been told she’s in Set 3. I’m gutted - desperate to know what’s gone wrong , without letting her know I think Set 3 of 4 is bad 😭

Its ok to care. My kid has just gone into year 1 at a VERY academic school and I really want her to do well. I’m lucky because she appears to be able but I’m being extremely careful about not crossing the line from supportive and interested to pushy and critical. So as much as sloppy mistakes would irritate me, I’m really training myself to step back from knee jerk reaction and considering how best to approach them. My husband is really good at it, he’s good at the “you can learn from mistakes” stuff but I do still struggle because I don’t want her to think making mistakes is always ok because at some point formative assessments will come in.

But I don’t think you need to hate yourself for caring so much. Just watch how it comes across. I’m sure there are a lot of kids who wish their mums cared!

I'm the same and also have one who makes careless mistakes. Fortunate;y did very well in GCSE's (I was awake half the night before results!).

Is she your only child? I sometimes think one of the hardest things about having only one child is that they represent your parenting entirely, whereas with other children you are more aware that many things are a roll of the dice, outwith your control.

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Mum to an only one here and feel like battered myself up mentally all her life and I've never considered this before and ❤️ it - thank you!

I think more parents feel like this than will ever openly admit it. We all know that there are many more opportunities out there for the academically able.if they succeed academically they are more able to choose their life path. They are more likely to have financially comfortable lives. Of course there will be those who succeed we ithout doing well as at school but it sure is an advantage.
As a retired teacher I have observe many of parents in all sorts of of situations and I am a parent myself. Sometimes a very academically able parent takes it in as a personal insult if, for example their child excels at art instead of maths and woe betide the poor soul if he is average or (shock horror) below average in everything with no genius ability in music or football or something to mitigate against the situation. Some lovely parents are just concerned because they feel their child is going to have a harder route through life and quickly get on board to help and encourage. Some, however, seem actually ashamed of their child and even worse, actually show this to the child. They seem more concerned with a lack of kudus amongst other parents. Everybody's child is always 'really good' at subjects or, said with a smile 'aversge' Usually with the addition 'because they don't work'. Nobody's child is below average or poor academically. Maybe most parents are a not like this and we should all be aware of maybe having a little of this trait in us so we don't wreck our children's self esteem.
I really don't think we value trades anywhere near as highly as the professions on this country and this is why some parents get like this.

Excuse typos. Clumsy fingers 🧑‍🎨

It's ok and normal to want your child to do well . It's not ok to take their perceived "failures" personally .