I hate myself for caring so much about how my DD does academically at school.

[Dickens222]

I've name changed for this because I feel like such an asshole.

My DD has just started secondary school. They've announced a baseline maths test in a couple of weeks to start streaming and I can't believe how much I care about her doing really well and going into the top set (even though they can move up and down through the year so it's not fixed).

The school take into consideration her current performance in class, data from old school and I guess SATS. She got 112 in SATS. I've got no idea how this compares to others, I never discussed it with anyone. Her final maths report was glowing, and she always did pretty well.

But she's also sloppy. Makes errors. She came back today and told me she'd got stupid stuff wrong in maths today. Reader, I CANT BELIEVE HOW STRESSFUL I FOUND IT TO HEAR THAT.

I felt awful, really awful feeling it so much. I know it's my own stuff, my academic schooling and my fear of her being judged - me being judged. But it keeps rising up and she knows it. She can see it.

I need to get a reality check, please! But I am here opening up so people can kindly get me back in line, but without judging me for being honest.

OP, this really strikes a bell with me. I have DD yr8 and DS yr7. Try so hard not to compare.
DS is very relaxed. More capable than the level he attains due to effort. DD is an anxious people pleaser who is gutted if she doesnt get a high grade.
I try so hard to award effort but difficult when one doesnt make much. Or does he make enough and it's me?!
Definitely have to stop thinking of them as a reflection of me. That is spot on.

You should care a lot about it IMO. It’s an important subject and also one that builds on prior knowledge.

Caring about it is good. It means you are supporting your DD to do the best she can. She's clearly good at maths - the maximum possible is 120.

If she doesn't do well in the test, it's likely that she will be moved later on as she finds her feet and settles at school. My DDs both ended up in a middle set for maths - by Yr10 they were in top sets. There's room to move sets until GCSE options - after that it does become more difficult.

I would suggest that you get some help to unpick your feelings, not because you're doing anything wrong but because you deserve to live a happy life with as little anxiety as is possible to have as a parent.

I can't see anything wrong with caring. the point is what did you actually say to her when she said that she'd made loads of mistakes?

I care deeply about both my sons. I'm interested in them doing well and I'm trying to smooth out any rough edges and help them get better in every area of their life.

So I might sit down and say well done for doing this but maybe you could try and do that to help be better.

So long as she knows the basics, that is good. when you see the exam paper you can have a look at it and see how she's done ask her how she feels. ask her if you can help her re how to do even better next time.

Eg: timing in exams is a skill. Using your time wisely across all of the questions focusing on the 6 and 12 markers but making sure you've got plenty of time to do all the questions and then go back for a final check. that is a skill and it needs to be worked on.

In maths it is often best to go with your gut instinct for a maths question but then she needs to learn how to go back and check and not make silly mistakes that's an actual learning procedure and you can help her address that.

As with any other thing in schooling if they're struggling with a particular thing you either speak to the maths teacher or you help them slow down and think about things and sort good behaviours right from the start.

later how they'll dedicate their time and how they will revise throughout the year and then at the end so that they can manage their time properly both in exams - exam technique is very important. but also how will study generally - all their subjects for actual GCSE exams. Both studying leading up to the exams. And then secondly how ti cope with doing maths and then say having English and French the next day. and that's a skill in itself.

all these things can be thought about and taught and you can help your child develop throughout school.

nothing about this is bad. it's not OTT is just being a caring parent.
It's all comes down to how you express it that matters.