It’s a split parenting one… this doesn’t feel fair but might be the only way.

[Tinydressedmouse]

STBEH wants the kids almost 50/50 despite not doing anything much when we were actually together.
I have been advised he will get it because he’s not a risk to them, he was just very uninvolved.
He is suggesting 3 nights 4 nights split but I think this sounds awful for the dc - how does that even work because the same parent ends up with the weekend?
currently he is only doing every other weekend. I’ve suggested he has an extra night at the weekend or even two nights. If two extra nights he’d have 8 nights a month but he wants 12.

The only way I can see it without it unsettling the children and causing a massive hassle for me eldest who has loads of school stuff and won’t manage with random nights here and there is that he has every weekend - Friday, Saturday, Sunday night.
Then they are back to me to sort for the weekdays and school. I work more or less full time too.
I don’t feel this is terribly fair but then it’s more about what it best for the dc than what is fair I guess.
or he does six nights and then I have eight - but my youngest is still quite little and it would be a long time I think.
None of it is ideal but what is the least worst option? I wouldn’t want to come and go and come and go as an adult, I don’t believe it to be good for most children.

We do an almost 50/50 split

It works like this

week one - I have the children Friday, Saturday, Monday Thursday

Week two I have them Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

We both live very close to the kids school (we both live in the same village!) so drop offs and picks up aren’t a problem as we both work flexibly.

We each wanted a full Friday and Saturday with the kids EOW so it works out well for us.

We wouldn’t be able to work that way.
I had to leave the home so now live about 10 miles away - he is in the family home still.
That much back and forth wouldn’t suit my eldest either - he’s not diagnosed but he definitely has some ASD traits. He’d be very stressed very fast.
Plus we aren’t amicable.
The whole thing is a nightmare if I’m honest.

Why should you miss out on weekends and have the drudgery of the week . I don’t think that’s fair on you

I’d be tempted to agree with his plan on the basis from what you’ve said he won’t enjoy it and will quickly go back to being a rubbish dad

Why did you leave the family home?

What about week on week off with a midweek meal/evening/overnight?

He wouldn’t leave.
i had to give my key back etc.

It's unfair on the child to never get a weekend with one parent

Can you leave the kids in the family home and share “your” place, so you do a week each in and out?

I doubt it would work well for you adults if you’re not amicable but could be best for the kids?

Have I missed why you can’t split the weekend? Have handover on Saturday evening?

I just want to say that it is absolutely not in the best interests of your children to never spend quality time with their mother.

I mean this in the most supportive, bracing way possible - don't be a doormat and undervalue yourself thinking that it's only you suffering and that's ok in order to keep the peace. Neither of those things are true.

There are various ways of working this but almost entirely depriving your children of good quality time with their mother is absolutely not an option and should be off the table completely.

Has the issue of the house already been delt with he cant just keep what he wants your married

Even with 12 nights that's not 50/50 surely?

Ultimately he will get more days as for the eldest I hate saying this but let him have the meltdown (he actually might not) because from a diagnosis point of view its evidence of additional need and from a parent point of view it might remind your stbex that your child has feelings too my son used to meltdown after visiting dad we changed things to suit him

I do every Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
He does every Wednesday, Thursday
Fridays and Saturdays are alternated

So I'll have Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues then he'll have Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat,

Then I'll have Sun, Mon, Tues, he'll have Weds, Thurs then back to the beginning.

He has zero flexibility in mornings and evenings on weeknights with work and no support which means he needs help from me. My family and friends are split on whether the help should be given to ensure he has them more, or whether it should be a case of if he can't manage weeknights, he should go to EOW. I'm torn about it really. It would certainly be less messing about for them but I've also felt strongly they need a good relationship with him.

You might find if he has them 50/50 or thereabouts it turns out being a bit much and it'll shift back over time.

Because then they never get a full weekend with either parent to go away or anything?

Have you had legal advice about the house and sorted out fair money split. He has no right to just have the house. How are finances split

then I think you need to do the 3/4 slit you have to give it a chance you cannot sacrifice time with your children. He will either step up or he won’t but they will know.

Agree to swap when required 😊

That assumes a level of collaboration and amiability that not everyone is lucky enough to have.

Yeah, I only suggest it because it’s likely to be needed from both sides.

He doesn’t want a split weekend.
currently I am walking away with nothing because it is so much easier than causing further ill feeling.

He is asking for 12 nights a month - not totally 50/50.
Three nights a week.

It may be short term easier but in the longer term it won’t neither should a decent judge sign it off in the divorce.

have you had legal advice because you need it

You shouldn't walk away with nothing. Get yourself sorted and the childcare working etc then see a solicitor and work out what you are entitled to.

I suspect that as he was previously uninvolved, whatever you work out he won't stick to. But a male friend did every other weekend plus Thurs and Friday night every week. It worked out 6 nights out of 14 so not far off 50/50. So he'd do Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun nights one week then just Thurs and Fri nights the next week. He sorted work so he could pick the kids up every Thurs and Fri from school. His ex wife would have the kids from Saturday morning on her weekends. Could that work for your ex?

Or maybe Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun nights one week and Weds and Thurs nights the next? So you'd both get a full weekend with the kids and a full weekend without.

i really wouldn't agree to him having them every weekend, that's not fair on you or DC as they'd get no quality time with you.

You REALLY need to get a solicitor and get tougher.

Can you do full 50/50 and have the arrangement that one of you has every Mon/Tues and one of you every Wed/Thurs then share Fri/Sat/Sun alternately. That way each week they are always 5 days in one house.

or if he doesn’t want full 50/50 then you have one of the extra days added to your share.

You are entitled to move back in if you are on the mortgage/tenancy and if married, I suggest you see a better solicitor and see if you can force a sale.

Im a dad and wanted 50/50, so its good to hear that he wants to do that as well. Its not easy in my experience to come to a concrete solution, especially as you have more than one child and needs etc will change over time. I agree with others that you need good quality time together so something should be factored in for you to see your children over the weekend too. I did not like a Saturday hand over, it was stressful, you cant plan a good day out with your children and my daughters mum was always late, so i wouldnt suggest that in my experience.

I seem to remember that I did Wednesday night to Monday morning one week, and Wednesday night to Friday morning the next week. So a fortnightly pattern. It worked well for a time but you need to look at your circumstances and childrens schooling, activities etc to help work it all out. Good communication and some flexibility will all help, but i know its not easy to always have this.

It doesn't feel fair because it isn't.
Don't let him get his way, especially if you think it will upset the kids.
You shouldn't be walking away without anything, if you let him get his way now he will always expect it.
It won't end just because you split up.

Don't let him walk all over you.

Get yourself a decent solicitor.