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Original poster

It’s a split parenting one… this doesn’t feel fair but might be the only way.

57 replies

Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 12:40

STBEH wants the kids almost 50/50 despite not doing anything much when we were actually together.
I have been advised he will get it because he’s not a risk to them, he was just very uninvolved.
He is suggesting 3 nights 4 nights split but I think this sounds awful for the dc - how does that even work because the same parent ends up with the weekend?
currently he is only doing every other weekend. I’ve suggested he has an extra night at the weekend or even two nights. If two extra nights he’d have 8 nights a month but he wants 12.

The only way I can see it without it unsettling the children and causing a massive hassle for me eldest who has loads of school stuff and won’t manage with random nights here and there is that he has every weekend - Friday, Saturday, Sunday night.
Then they are back to me to sort for the weekdays and school. I work more or less full time too.
I don’t feel this is terribly fair but then it’s more about what it best for the dc than what is fair I guess.
or he does six nights and then I have eight - but my youngest is still quite little and it would be a long time I think.
None of it is ideal but what is the least worst option? I wouldn’t want to come and go and come and go as an adult, I don’t believe it to be good for most children.

OP posts:
napody · 28/08/2022 14:46

We do fri-sat-sun nights with dad one week, sun-mon-tues the next. We are amicable BUT there was also an element of him minimising cms in my opinion, especially as I help with some school runs on his days. But he's a good dad, kids are happy and I get one weekend with them, one to myself so it's the least worst option.
If he's shit now he's bound to row back on it, but i think you have to give him the chance really?

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 14:57

If he’s in the family home then I assume he’s much closer to the kids school and friends etc, so would it not be easier if they stayed there Mon - fri and then you have them on the weekends?

In theory he would see them less as he’ll only see them after work but it may be less disruptive for them.

Or if you’re both not happy with one of you having every weekend then how about you do EOW but share afteschools.

So week 1 = mon, wed, fri after school & no weekend.
week 2 = Tues & Thurs after school & the weekend.

On school days they should sleep in their regular home but they can still have their tea at the other home.

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/08/2022 15:02

Do you earn significantly more OP? Was it his house before you married? Why have you had to return your key to the family home?

This all sounds incredibly one sided to me. Default position is usually a 50:50 split of all assets. You could agree to defer that until the DC are over a certain age if neither of you can afford to buy the other out and you want the DC to retain their family home but a clean break with both parents adequately housed is the ideal.

Your financial security is important not only for you but for your DC. Presumably you'd want a home they could always return to if needs be? I really think you need to consider the current plan carefully.

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Families
Gansevoortgirl67 · 28/08/2022 15:28

Has he thought about childcare during the week? Presumably he works? Childcare when he wants to go out and do stuff with his friends on the weekends? My DD's dad wanted 50/50 until the reality of those things set in. He's now happy with one weeknight and EOW.

LSSG · 28/08/2022 15:31

You do not have to do 50 /50 by any means. It's not the norm. Only if you feel it's in the children's best interests, and doesn't sound like you think it is. You could offer say 1full weekend fortnightly, on basis you have been doing most of the care up til now.

MissyCooperismyShero · 28/08/2022 15:58

Alternate weeks?

Original poster
Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 15:59

Solicitor has advised he will get the three nights a week.

It was our house but he made me give the key back when I left. He earns significantly more than me. Well into six figures vs my £26k.
That’s the thing though - it’s all his.

I will have a look at the split for the dc. Ideally the less coming and going the better I think, unless we duplicate everything which I cannot afford to do.
Eldest can walk home from school and will be ok. Youngest would have to go to after school club / childminder. At the moment I sort my hours around fetching them 3 days out of five and my parents pick up the other two afternoons.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 28/08/2022 16:06

Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 15:59

Solicitor has advised he will get the three nights a week.

It was our house but he made me give the key back when I left. He earns significantly more than me. Well into six figures vs my £26k.
That’s the thing though - it’s all his.

I will have a look at the split for the dc. Ideally the less coming and going the better I think, unless we duplicate everything which I cannot afford to do.
Eldest can walk home from school and will be ok. Youngest would have to go to after school club / childminder. At the moment I sort my hours around fetching them 3 days out of five and my parents pick up the other two afternoons.

I suggest that you start another thread on the legal board about the financial position as it is not all his you were married and have children so the starting point will be 50/50 of all assets so house, investments and pension pots. If you have evidence eg text message or email about him making you give your key back then keep it as a judge is likely to take a dim view of his behaviour. You need to get a good solicitor and protect yourself if only so that you can give your DC a decnet standard of living when they are with you.

Deguster · 28/08/2022 16:07

If you suspect ASC then I would try to accelerate a diagnosis before agreeing 50/50. There is no way my ASC boy could do it - it’s absolutely the worst thing for a “typical” autistic child who needs routine, stability, etc. The court WILL take this into account.

Bear in mind also that 50/50 = no maintenance. Suspect that is why all the previously barely-interested fathers I know who got divorced suddenly turn into dad of the year, but I’m a cynical old hag.

Howmanysleepsnow · 28/08/2022 16:21

What about he has Thursday Friday, Saturday, Sunday one week then Wednesday and Thursday the week after?
You’d get Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday one week and Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday the week after and the dc wouldn’t be away from you for more than 4 days.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/08/2022 16:27

You have every Sun, Mon and Tue. He has every Wed and Thurs. Alternate weekends.

Minimises the comings and goings.

Original poster
Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 16:29

If he has 3 out of 7 days I’ve got maintenance calculated as £700 a month based on him earning as much as he does.
He is wanting 3/7 days so slightly under 50/50.

That could work howmanysleepsnow.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 28/08/2022 16:52

Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 15:59

Solicitor has advised he will get the three nights a week.

It was our house but he made me give the key back when I left. He earns significantly more than me. Well into six figures vs my £26k.
That’s the thing though - it’s all his.

I will have a look at the split for the dc. Ideally the less coming and going the better I think, unless we duplicate everything which I cannot afford to do.
Eldest can walk home from school and will be ok. Youngest would have to go to after school club / childminder. At the moment I sort my hours around fetching them 3 days out of five and my parents pick up the other two afternoons.

Why is it all his? You are married? So these are all marital assets?

Original poster
Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 16:54

He earned it.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 28/08/2022 16:57

But you're married so you deserve 50%.

Please get a decent solicitor. Given his earnings you are hugely selling yourself (and therefore your children) short.

Candleabra · 28/08/2022 16:58

What has your solicitor advised about the financial settlement?
How long were you married?

underneaththeash · 28/08/2022 17:00

You definitely need a proper solicitor.

Remember this money is for your children too, not just you.

Original poster
Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 17:05

Married nearly 18 years.
No, it’s not what my solicitor is advising but it’s what I feel comfortable with and it will only cause further problems if I push it.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 28/08/2022 17:11

Push it. For your children if not for yourself. It's not right for them to see such disparity between their parents.

Sunflower987 · 28/08/2022 17:17

Tinydressedmouse · 28/08/2022 17:05

Married nearly 18 years.
No, it’s not what my solicitor is advising but it’s what I feel comfortable with and it will only cause further problems if I push it.

There will always be further problems, because you are too scared to 'push' it.

By the way OP after 18 years married and children you are very much entitled to the house it's not 'pushing' anything.
It's what's yours.

Don't let him bully you now or he will always do it, it's not fair on the kids.

Candleabra · 28/08/2022 17:20

Your way of dealing with confrontation appears to be to back off and give in. So far you have given up the family home, the money and are about to give up every weekend with your children. You can’t keep doing this or you’ll be left with nothing.
For this type of man, nothing you give away will be good enough. This will go on and on, You need to protect yourself and the children.
Take a deep breath and go back to the solicitor and Tuesday and instruct them to get you the best deal possible. Stand up for yourself. I know it’s not easy, but it is the right thing to do.

pointythings · 28/08/2022 17:38

OP, you are failing your children by not going after everything you are entitled to. Harsh, but it really is that simple. The law is as it is because the aim is to leave both parents fully and equitably able to provide for their children. Deliberately putting yourself into poverty means your children will share in that poverty when they are with you. You do not have the right to do that to them. You aren't claiming this money for you, it is for them.

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/08/2022 17:48

What life are you going to be able to provide your children with following your divorce with zero assets and limited earning capacity?

Do you have a pension? Do you have sufficient NI contributions for the full state pension? How are you intending to manage during retirement?

Listen to your solicitor OP, 50% is your starting point. Start there.

Chickmad · 28/08/2022 17:50

You helped him earn the money by bringing up his children and running that home he kicked you out of.
It is time to stop being a doormat and put on your big girl pants and fight for what is rightfully yours. For your children's sake, get yourself a shit hot lawyer!
Don't presume he will do the right thing by them.
He could move in a younger model and give all his earnings to her!
Or he will be using his huge earnings to pay for his lovely family home while you live in poverty and the kids may vote with their feet and live with him full time.

You may think I am being a complete bitch but I have seen it happen. Yes the kids loved their mum but the draw of the PlayStations and own bedrooms were too much for teens. As well as being near their friends and in a nicer house, not having to share. It was simple for him....he had the money to employ a nanny.

If you want to look at it in a purely mercenary way....how many years did you do the nannying, pa and home administration stuff,laundry and chef duties without getting paid by him? All those things enabled him to go out and do his big important well paying man's job.
Leaving you with nothing is exceedingly unfair.
Do not except this.
Show your kids that you deserve to be respected more than that.

sorbetseason · 28/08/2022 17:55

I rarely comment on these threads but OP you are doing your kids a BIG disservice by not getting a proportional split of the family assets.

What on earth has someone said/done to you or why on earth are you so determined to believe yourself deserving of nothing?! Catch yourself on!

Be brave and fight for what you deserve for the sake of your children.

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