Would you be offended if a relative didn't attend a funeral due to money!

[User36373729472847273]

^not a close relative.

dh lost his cousin recently. Not overly close. Not seen each other in person for the best part of 25 years and had no contact in between! Lives 4 hours away.

dh thinks he should go but we are struggling financially and it does bring financial implications.

could not afford a travel lodge so would have to go and back in the same day, even that will be fuel money, likely a full tank which costs about £100 in my car at the minute. Trains are even more expensive.

can't get a lift with another relative as they are all staying there for a few days. Dh can't do that financially and also due to work.

we are currently over drawn until pay day. The funeral is before payday and not sure how we will able to get fuel? haha just under half a tank left which will do us for work, small trips etc until pay day.

we don't have any other money spare. Not sure what to do. I still need to buy PE kits before the start of school too.

plus dh has no funeral attire that fits him properly so would also have to buy an outfit. He's filled out a bit since he's last had to west it. He has no suit jacket either as it's lost 🤷‍♀️

putting the financial aspect aside I think that going up and down the same day is too much anyway and tiring.

I just don't know what to do.

his mum has guilt tripped him but she's not struggling financially 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely fine reading not to go. DH mum should pay petrol if she cares that much.

💐

Absolutely no reason to go. Send a condolence card and make a small donation if appropriate

Balancing all that out I'd say it's fine not to go. If his mum is that bothered about it she can paid for your DH's fuel and suit.

Loads of people didn't go to my partner's funeral due to living far away/not being able to get time off work/being on holiday. I didn't even notice who wasn't there. Some of them got in touch to explain why they wouldn't be there and offered their condolences that way which was comforting. I wasn't in the least bit offended and would have been more annoyed by people putting themselves at a disadvantage or canceling their holiday to attend.

Absolutely fine not to go. You should not be putting yourselves in financial challenges for the sake of appearances. I couldn't attend the recent funeral of a beloved and popular cousin of mine because I was abroad on holiday. Neither could most of their other cousins. We were all heartbroken about it because we were all had good relationship with her. . The funeral director had set up a video link and we attended the funeral remotely. I presume this became common during Covid.
Is this an option?

I definitely wouldn't go

I wouldn't be going. Someone he's not seen in 25 years? Forget that. I bet the family won't expect him. Send a card or if he feels guilty, some flowers once you've been paid.

Can he not watch the funeral remotely. My father’s funeral was 4 weeks ago and we had more people watching than attending

It would be nice if he could go (no need for you to do so). But if it can't be afforded right now then it can't, and that is fine.

He should obviously contact his cousin's parents or siblings to express his condolences though. If they happen to be Catholic he can get a mass said and send the mass card to the family.

Anyone who judges for that reason is quite safely someone you can ignore. If she keeps it up just put the phone down on her.

Nope I wouldn’t go either. Nothing to feel guilty about I’m sure his cousin would understand that he needs to put his family’s needs first especially as financially it’s not possible.

Regardless of the money, I wouldn't expect to go to the funeral of someone I hadn't seen or been in contact with for 25 years.

I mean, I might if it were someone I had grown up with then drifted apart as adults if it were very local and if it fell on my day off, but I wouldn't put myself out to go to someone's funeral that I wasn't close to.

At my close family members' funerals, there have always been people that couldn't make it for various reasons, even if they were quite close - it just falls that way sometimes.

As pps have said, just get him to send a card and think no more of it.

I think it’s fine for anyone not to go to a funeral for any reason. It’s something that’s very personal and I wouldn’t think less of anyone for not being there, regardless of why.

I wouldn't be going. It might be different if they were very close but they obviously weren't x

Money or not, local or not, I wouldn’t go to the funeral of someone I wasn’t close to and had had no contact with for 25 years, unless it was to support someone I was close to who needed me there. I know in some cultures it’s considered normal, indeed expected, to go to funerals of distant relatives, friends of friends etc but in my family no one would expect your DH to attend.

Does DH want to go? If yes, I’d make it happen. If it’s just that he feels obligated because of MIL guilt tripping, I wouldn’t.

I honestly wouldn't think of going to the funeral of a relative I hadn't seen for 25 years.

Nobody would expect you, you can't honestly say you are showing support when the family couldn't pick you out of a line up. The only reason to go is to catch up with other people which is not worth getting an overdraft for.

I wouldn't go but I would send a condolence card

He needs to be honest with his mum, tell her money is too tight. If she wants him there she needs to pay (try National express it's cheaper) dark trousers and white shirt is fine, jacket isn't required

I wouldn't go given that you are not in regular contact. I'm sure the close family will have a lot of other things on their mind that day and I don't your absence will be a problem. In these situations I tend to think about a way to pay back something I/we really want to do or to justify spending the time and money on the trip - of you have the funds and the time could you arrange to go and stay somewhere nearby and do something for yourselves - is it best anywhere nice that you'd like to visit? Could you justify staying the night before or after at somewhere you want to go to?

If he's being honest with his family about not being able to manage it financially, then I think that's reasonable. I'd send a card and flowers and apologies with plenty of notice. You can't wave a magic wand and produce more money! If his mother desperately wants him there, she'll have to fork out for a suit and petrol.

Do not go! Dead cousin won’t know any different.
Not seen for many years; madness to even consider it given your circumstances.

If mother kicks off, tell it like it is. She can pay for DH attendance if she cares so much.
Don’t get hung up on it.
Send a card & make a donation.
Job done.

I didn't go to a cousin's funeral few years back. Hadn't seen him to about 20 years. I was working and long journey there and back.

Everyone absolutely fine about it - except my Mum.

I have people for whom I would move heaven and Earth to get to there funeral. Not everyone is in that category.

Send a card, make a donation, move on

Watch it virtually!

Not seen each other for 5 years. I wouldn't be attending.