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Original poster

Would you be offended if a relative didn't attend a funeral due to money!

65 replies

User36373729472847273 · 25/08/2022 16:42

^not a close relative.

dh lost his cousin recently. Not overly close. Not seen each other in person for the best part of 25 years and had no contact in between! Lives 4 hours away.

dh thinks he should go but we are struggling financially and it does bring financial implications.

could not afford a travel lodge so would have to go and back in the same day, even that will be fuel money, likely a full tank which costs about £100 in my car at the minute. Trains are even more expensive.

can't get a lift with another relative as they are all staying there for a few days. Dh can't do that financially and also due to work.

we are currently over drawn until pay day. The funeral is before payday and not sure how we will able to get fuel? haha just under half a tank left which will do us for work, small trips etc until pay day.

we don't have any other money spare. Not sure what to do. I still need to buy PE kits before the start of school too.

plus dh has no funeral attire that fits him properly so would also have to buy an outfit. He's filled out a bit since he's last had to west it. He has no suit jacket either as it's lost 🤷‍♀️

putting the financial aspect aside I think that going up and down the same day is too much anyway and tiring.

I just don't know what to do.

his mum has guilt tripped him but she's not struggling financially 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

plinkypots · 25/08/2022 19:44

It's entirely up to him. Cousins who were close as children would be very important to me. It doesn't matter if the connection didn't stay as adults. You can grieve the person you knew.

BogRollBOGOF · 25/08/2022 20:01

Not bankrupting yourself to attend a long distance funeral for a relative you've lost touch with is understandable. Zoom links are often still avaliable for this kind of reason; at one I went to recently they did one as a close relative was still ill with Covid symptoms so didn't attend in person.
If his DM feels that strongly about it and money isn't an issue to her, it's something that she could remedy.

As a general point, the social side of funerals is important. It's the kind of event that can reunite distant family and friends. Celebrating life and recognising its fragility. A funeral I went to earlier this year was for a classmate from school. A cluster of us came from school, some had kept in touch more, some like me hadn't seen him in the 20 years since leaving but had fond memories of him, and wanted to be there as an acknowledgement of that significant phase of his life. It was the first time we'd lost a peer and we wanted to come together in acknowledgement of that. It's a part of human nature to congregate to acknowledge death, reconnect and support the bereaved.

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 01:52

I think it is fine not to go as you live so far away. However if your husband's mother is not financially constrained and as he wants to go, can she not finance a new jacket and the trip? I'm sure I would do that for my adult child if they needed assistance, after all we 'can't take it with us'. It isn't unusual for parents to help their grown up children financially if they can afford to.

D20 · 13/04/2023 06:50

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 01:52

I’m sure the funeral has been and gone as the post you have resurrected was made last August!

TimeForMeToF1y · 13/04/2023 07:05

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 01:52

As there has obviously been a resolution to this in the past however months since the funeral it would be interesting to know how it turned out

MyLavenderSuperpowers · 13/04/2023 07:07

Absolutely fine not to go

Parky04 · 13/04/2023 07:16

Zombie thread - funeral has been and gone!

givenheranextrakey · 13/04/2023 07:39

Greensleeves · 25/08/2022 17:10

If he's being honest with his family about not being able to manage it financially, then I think that's reasonable. I'd send a card and flowers and apologies with plenty of notice. You can't wave a magic wand and produce more money! If his mother desperately wants him there, she'll have to fork out for a suit and petrol.

If money is so tight then I wouldn't send flowers. Just send a card.

And you need to ensure your MIL knows your DH can't afford to go.

Norma27 · 13/04/2023 08:17

It’s fine not to go. When my stepdad died suddenly, my brother, his son couldn’t get over here for the funeral.
There have been many others we have not been able to get to mainly because of being in Ireland/USA and work.
My aunt died last week. I couldn’t stand her so will not go to her funeral even though I’m sure my mum would like me to do so. I’m not taking a day off work, and it will probably be when I have exams anyway.

Norma27 · 13/04/2023 08:18

Just seen it’s a zombie thread!

mamnotmum · 13/04/2023 08:26

It is fine not to go. In fact probably sensible not to go.

It's common for such things to be streamed now so he may be able to watch a streamed service anyway.

If not just send a card to closest family member (spouse, parent etc) giving condolences and apologies that you won't make the funeral.

Realistically your husband might struggle to get the time off work anyway.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 13/04/2023 08:28

The only funeral you are obliged to go to is your own.

We’ve had financial issues in our past when there were family events of more distant relatives, and everyone was understanding. If you can’t afford to go, then you can’t afford to go. There’s absolutely no shame in being honest.

If your DH’s Mum is being insistent, then she’ll have to help financially if that’s the only way your DH can attend. It’s what I would do in the same situation, because I understand how tight finances can be, especially with the cost of living increases now.

CheeseLouisePlease · 13/04/2023 08:42

Sometimes it’s just not practical.

DH has a very large extended family, it means there has been a fair few funerals over the years. He did used to try to go to them all, but to be honest asking for 2/3 days off work for someone you haven’t seen for many decades doesn’t always go down well (we live over 5 hours away).
I find the only ones who are snippy about it are the ones who pop out of work for an hour to attend and no hospitality.

JimmyDurham · 13/04/2023 10:09

No issues at all. Half the family from East Kent was missing at my Dad's funeral in Wiltshire because of travel issues. They sent flowers and let us know (for catering) so I can't say anyone was offended by it.

Comefromaway · 13/04/2023 10:19

I would only be going to a local funeral of a cousin if we were close as I would have to use a days holiday from work. That distance and not close, no way.

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