Would you be offended if a relative didn't attend a funeral due to money!

[User36373729472847273]

^not a close relative.

dh lost his cousin recently. Not overly close. Not seen each other in person for the best part of 25 years and had no contact in between! Lives 4 hours away.

dh thinks he should go but we are struggling financially and it does bring financial implications.

could not afford a travel lodge so would have to go and back in the same day, even that will be fuel money, likely a full tank which costs about £100 in my car at the minute. Trains are even more expensive.

can't get a lift with another relative as they are all staying there for a few days. Dh can't do that financially and also due to work.

we are currently over drawn until pay day. The funeral is before payday and not sure how we will able to get fuel? haha just under half a tank left which will do us for work, small trips etc until pay day.

we don't have any other money spare. Not sure what to do. I still need to buy PE kits before the start of school too.

plus dh has no funeral attire that fits him properly so would also have to buy an outfit. He's filled out a bit since he's last had to west it. He has no suit jacket either as it's lost 🤷‍♀️

putting the financial aspect aside I think that going up and down the same day is too much anyway and tiring.

I just don't know what to do.

his mum has guilt tripped him but she's not struggling financially 🤷‍♀️

I think if your dh wants to go he should. It’s irrelevant as to how long ago he saw his cousin. The simple solution is for him to speak to his mum and explain that you’ve no money for petrol and see if she can lend him some.

In my culture if at least one member from your wider family attends a function then you're not required to attend. So if your mum is attending then your husband doesn't need to go. Plus, I wouldn't have expected people to attend my dad's funeral if they were struggling financially. Just send a card and a charity donation if you can afford it.

Its fine not to go for any reason. But it sounds like he wants to go. If he wants to go, for any reason, then he should go. You don't need to.

Why go to the funeral for someone you haven't seen for 25 years?

I'd not be offended. I'd appreciate knowing whether they were coming or not, much better than say on the day or the night before.

No I wouldn't attend. Why do people try and guilt trip others ...so annoying.

I haven't seen any of my cousins in over 15 years. I wouldn't go to their funerals even if I could afford it!

Absolutely fine not to go. I’ve done the same and actually- due to my mh issues- will not be attending any further funerals anyway except for my mother if anything were to happen to her. 💐

Never actually thought of this. Will get him to ask, thank you! That would be perfect if they had a video stream but seems unlikely as things are back to 'normal' now!

Dh is on the fence. Thinks he should as it would be 'nice' to go and will be lots of family there - it's a big family and they all live locally. Dh and his parents live in our area.

he said they were close as kids which I get hit that closeness did not go into adulthood. Dh could not name any of his cousins kids or grandkids or even his wife. He didn't even know how to spell his surname.

he also knows we can't afford and it would be money that would be needed elsewhere at the minute. Such a tough one and dh's choice.

I wouldn't be able to attend anyway as will be home with dc.

maybe I am less understanding because I didn't have any known cousins growing up! He has a massive family, whereas mine is small and limited to direct family only!

Sounds like he's treating it as a family party rather than a funeral.

I get this! I avoid funerals if I can and only go if I have to. I have Mh issues too and don't get much out of funerals. Even with my beloved grandad died, I felt like the funeral didn't benefit me at all and have little memory of the funeral, everything is a blank. I wanted to be alone. I didn't even go to my uncles a while ago because I wasn't in the right head space, unwell and had lots going on in my personal life!

slightly yes. He said I'd like to go as I can see family, why not before cousin died?! dead cousin won't know if he's there or not. I just sound really insensitive but we are literally skint to the point we are constantly overdrawn!

ironically some of his family have been staying locally to us on holiday over the years and have tried contacting dh meet up and he has always made excuses not to go!

dh's mum actually wanted him to stay up there for a few days around the funeral and see family but thankfully dh wouldn't want to nor can he with work and our family!

I don't like the social aspect of funerals with heavy drinking afterwards. Yes it can be nice to see people and have a drink, comfort each other, that's fine but I just think make the effort when people are alive too!

I wouldn't expect cousins I hadn't seen for 25 years to turn up at all, especially not if it was going to cost them a lot of money.

Ridiculous to go after 25yrs. If his mum wants him there let her pay his train fare.

It depends if he wants to connect with other aunties and uncles etc who he may not see until the next funeral.

However, we all watched my dh’s uncle funeral two weeks ago streamed online. Which someone streamed via Facebook live for us all to see - we couldn’t travel to be there but we were so glad to be able to be there virtually.

Can he write a memory of his cousin in the card / send to the closer family on email?

That would mean a lot to them to have the good memories he does have of his cousin.

Of you haven't seen somebody for 25 years surely nobody would expect you/husband to go. If you want to it's fine of course but if he cared about them that much he would have seen them in quarter of a century

Fab idea. Dh isn't good with words both verbally or written but I'll give him a nudge and try and find an address!

Condolence card, flowers if you can run to it.

It's completely fine not to go under those circumstances. As pp have said, send a condolence card to cousin's immediate family saying you'll be thinking of them.

Life is for the living OP. Surely his cousin would not want your DH going into debt to attend his funeral. Watch it remotely and send a nice card.

Perfect - shared memories are always good, that's what funerals are mostly about anyway, sharing memories of the person that will carry on.

I'm in my mid 40s, coming up on a 20 year wedding anniversary, and I last saw my auntie and uncle 10 years ago, 25 years doesn't seem that long to me!

Its fine. No one should put themselves out. During Covid my mums funeral was streamed - can you watch it like this?

slightly yes. He said I'd like to go as I can see family, why not before cousin died?! dead cousin won't know if he's there or not. I just sound really insensitive but we are literally skint to the point we are constantly overdrawn!
ironically some of his family have been staying locally to us on holiday over the years and have tried contacting dh meet up and he has always made excuses not to go!

I think that is very relevant.