Porn - when does it stop being okay?

[crabwho]

I saw threads where women were called unreasonable for being upset that their partners watched porn and others where they were told to LTB.

Where do you draw the line?

My partner watches it everyday, for an hour or so a day, sometimes a couple of times a day.

He takes ages to finish when we have sex. Oral sex and handjobs can take from 45 mins to an hour for him to finish. Sometimes I can't do it and he finishes himself. He struggles to stay hard and he doesn't seem to enjoy it tbh. He often pushes me away (joking it off) and I feel so undesirable. When I initiate things and sit on his laps or try to pleasure him, I feel really embarrassed, he laughs it off, says it tickles, or that I'm hurting him, and goes back to watching TV or playing video games.
But at the same time, he always calls me pretty.

When we do have sex, it hurts because he doesn't take time with foreplay. And even when we do have sex, he still watches porn a couple of hours later.

I think everyone draws a line at different places. But maybe when it starts interfering with your sex life (as it sounds like it might be) then you might want to address it.

do you ever watch it with him? If not, you could try it and see if it helps and if it doesn’t then I guess look into some other options.

I did suggest that but he refused and said it was indecent.

I’d draw the line when it was effecting my sex life with my partner.
It sounds awful, I couldn’t be with someone that pushes me off, doesn’t enjoy sex with me and doesn’t have time for foreplay.
I genuinely don’t care if my DH watches porn occasionally but I couldn’t stay in a relationship that made me feel like this.

I was just wondering if an hour a day was usual or not. I don't watch porn so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't tbh

An hour or two a day seems excessive
Plus its causing issues with sex with you. And you aren't happy.

If he doesn't listen to your concerns and do something to respond that would tell you a lot.

I think you deserve better than this personally.

I wonder if I'm being unreasonable to be hurt by his habits.
I also wonder if I suck in bed and that's the reason he is so drawn to pornography. But he doesn't want to tell me what excites him or if he would like to try something new in bed, or if I can be more fun. He just says no and just wants very vanilla things (as opposed to the porn he watches that is extremely extremely extreme)

An hour a day sounds excessive to me. Most adults surely only have an hour or two of leisure time a day, if they're lucky, and he chooses to spend his watching hours of porn, every day?
It doesn't make him sound like a rounded person to be honest.

Also the taking ages to come and pushing you away when you're trying to initiate things sounds unpleasant and not like a fulfilling or fun sex life for you.

Thank you for your reply.

I told him my concerns. But he lies to me and when I find out he has lied he just says it's his addiction and there's nothing he can do

watching cam girls for instance, I begged him repeatedly to stop watching cam girls (he promised he didn't talk to them but I didnt want it to escalate to that point) and that he could watch anything else he liked, and he swore he had stopped but he never.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

*I did suggest that but he refused and said it was indecent
*

This is the oddest thing you have written. This feels off to you because it is. Trust your gut, you deserve better. There are people out there who accept this and worse, it doesn't make it acceptable. Tell him, and let him work it what his priority is. *
*

He works from home and takes a lot of breaks. when he works from the office he does it very late at night or very early in the morning between 2 and 5am.

I feel bad because I get tired after 45 minutes (he also gives me hundreds of instructions while I'm doing which makes me think I'm quite bad) and he tells me that me getting visibly tired is what puts him off and makes him reluctant to have more sex with me. It's a vicious circle.

I was a virgin before meeting him so I don't have any previous experience sexually

We had ups and downs. But other aspects of our lives seem to be working out right now.

Porn addiction is a very real thing. An hour or two a day is an addiction. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who watches extreme porn every day?
You are making all the effort here. He has a problem and he needs to address it. Some counsellors have a lot of experience with porn addiction. He needs help. Don’t put up with this.

He's very religious, I think he says that so I don't fall into what he believes to be a sin he's fallen into, maybe?

His "addiction" aside, you aren't in a rewarding life together are you and that's enough to leave over. I couldn't stand what you're describing for another minute. There will be better out there for you - a man who can't get enough of you and doesn't prefer images on a screen. Being alone would be better, frankly.

Thank you for your honest opinion x

This doesn’t sound right to me at all. The double standard of not letting you watch it, choosing to spend that amount of time watching it, the impact it’s having on your sex life, none of this is fun for you. Sex should be enjoyable and equal. You have just as much right to control what happens in the bedroom as he does.

I think the porn usage is the tip of the iceberg OP.
To answer your question though, an hour or more every day, especially when in a relationship, seems a lot to me. The line would be when it was interfering with our sex life (which it clearly is) and/or relationship (which it clearly is).
The double standards of him watching it but not you, the disrespect he has for you in bed- and probably out of bed- and the unsatisfying sex for you are all issues that need addressing.
I also find it bizarre that he can take 45mins-1hr to climax yet doesn't put any effort into turning you on to the point that you're left in pain.
He's annoyed that you get tired?!
Sounds like the porn has given him very unrealistic expectations of real sex, and sexual dysfunction to boot.

That is the very definition of too much! Daily porn is a hard no from me. Porn rewires brains and makes it harder to climax.
You deserve so much more than this shitty relationship.

Why don’t you just leave? Honestly why?
Why would you put up with this?

Thank you for your reply.
He says he doesn't get annoyed that I get tired but that I visibly show it. He says sex is like acting, and that I should pretend to enjoy it even if I'm bored, tired or don't like it

I think you're right about the unrealistic expectations of real sex

He's my only friend and family really

Sounds grim. I would leave him over this.

He says sex is like acting, and that I should pretend to enjoy it even if I'm bored, tired or don't like it

Wow...

I would leave him too, OP. What a miserable existence for you.