Porn - when does it stop being okay?

[crabwho]

I saw threads where women were called unreasonable for being upset that their partners watched porn and others where they were told to LTB.

Where do you draw the line?

My partner watches it everyday, for an hour or so a day, sometimes a couple of times a day.

He takes ages to finish when we have sex. Oral sex and handjobs can take from 45 mins to an hour for him to finish. Sometimes I can't do it and he finishes himself. He struggles to stay hard and he doesn't seem to enjoy it tbh. He often pushes me away (joking it off) and I feel so undesirable. When I initiate things and sit on his laps or try to pleasure him, I feel really embarrassed, he laughs it off, says it tickles, or that I'm hurting him, and goes back to watching TV or playing video games.
But at the same time, he always calls me pretty.

When we do have sex, it hurts because he doesn't take time with foreplay. And even when we do have sex, he still watches porn a couple of hours later.

Not normal or healthy.

Firstly, it's okay to not be okay with porn at all. Often the people working in the industry are disadvantaged, coerced, all the way through to actively trafficked and abused. There is more ethical porn out there but the vast majority of porn consumers are not seeking this out. The content of porn now is also extreme in terms of the sexual acts depicted and often violent and degrading, especially towards women. It isn't giving healthy signals about sexuality to anyone watching.

If you are comfortable with some porn use, then minimal porn use with no impact on your sex life would be the goal (eg 10 mins a couple of times a week). However, your partner's use is very very high, with an impact on his life (wouldn't that time be better used for hobbies, parenting, sorting the house, work, dates?), your joint sex life (interest, impotence, erectile dysfunction), and his emotions about sex. As a previous poster has said, there is also a direct link between porn use and being desensitized and unable to respond normally to everyday sexual stimulus (like your partner sitting on your lap to initiate).

If your partner shows no interest in addressing this or no acknowledgement that it's a problem, I'd leave.

No, if you don't like it then he should stop. This is not okay, this is not a loving partnership, this behaviour isn't normal. Please find someone that treats you with respect, this isn't it.

Different people have different limits, I draw the line when it affects our sex life. In theory my DH has an addiction, but it has never had an impact in the bedroom

I wonder how much experience your boyfriend has sexually. Sex is like acting? Where on earth does he get this idea? Porn obviously.
He clearly had no concept that sex should be a mutually satisfying experience where HE puts effort in. He sounds selfish immature and lazy.

I also struggle to understand where his being very religious fits into this. I don’t think many religions condone porn.

As others have said, why are you settling for this? You can do much better. You’re actually debasing yourself trying to please this man who does nothing to please you. He’s guilt tripping you and making you feel inadequate. He’s the inadequate one.

*He says sex is like acting, and that I should pretend to enjoy it even if I'm bored, tired or don't like it

i havent been a virgin for a very long time and I can tell you with great certainty that this is a dangerous lie, and not the only one he's telling you. You don't have to live like this.

It's the death grip. I would not be happy with this relationship he is addicted to porn.

He was a virgin before me as well.

Yes, the fact that he says he's very religious and still watches it is hypocritical. He even said on social media, once, that porn was cheating, and never to believe anyone who says otherwise. But he says his addiction gets the best out of him.

I think he can't stop. He got in serious trouble over his pornography addiction, and yet still watched that very content that got him in trouble.

I've been begin him to get therapy since we got together. After a couple of years, he took part in one session and just stopped afterwards.
He says he will do it tomorrow but never does.
He reluctantly joined a program, not for him, but because if he doesn't, he will get in even more trouble.

This is so disturbing OP, an hour a day is excessive and at least he knows he’s addicted.

what concerns me is the “sex is acting, just pretend” comment, that is the opposite of what sex should be. It should be based on connection, not pretence. His watching of porn has completed skewed his view of women and sex, your not an actress to perform for him - as the women are in porn. Does he even care if you enjoy it?

He does say he gets off when I don't enjoy it. but to pretend i do

What is the content that has got him into trouble? Content that requires him to enter a programme to avoid being in more trouble?

This sounds like a far more serious problem than you are letting on or might even be aware of.

bestiality pornography

Trouble with whom? For Gods sake get out of this relationship and find someone decent. He can’t even be bothered to commit to getting help. He doesn’t deserve you.

The truth is he is useless in bed and tries to blame his uselessness on you.

Seriously, OP.

Please don't stay with this man. I know you lack experience (we all did at some point!) But you must understand that this is not what a normal sexual relationship.looks like.

It's going to he so damaging to your self esteem in the long run.

It’s not surprising, the very nature of porn addiction is that it escalates. The mundane doesn’t excite anymore - no matter what you do OP you’ll never compare to the rush of porn, because your a real woman and shouldn’t have to.

Im afraid it won’t get better. I would be leaving, this isn’t what a natural adult relationship should be - your not there to perform as he likes, you should both be aiming to please each other. I’m assuming you have no children? If so cut and run.

WTAF he’s watching bestiality and treating you like an inanimate sex doll. You need to recognise your own worth and get out of the relationship asap.

Good god girl, most of us would not put up with this shit for a minute. He is destroying your self confidence and treating you like a sex object.
What he does and how he treats you is not normal, it’s abusive.
He is sick in the head, do you understand, it’s not you.
Please get some counselling for yourself and get out, it’s never going to get any better and you deserve more.

None of this is normal. Please make plans to leave. The porn use and cam girls would be completely unacceptable to me. Ordering you around and telling you to pretend to enjoy it is sexual abuse.

What does he say

Oh my fucking god why the actual FUCK would you remain in a relationship with such a sick twisted troll? He is disgusting. Literally sat on the bus feeling sick after reading this. Ugh. Leave now, please I’m begging you. He is a revolting derranged little man, sat fapping away for hours on end to images of animals being abused. He’s vile. Pathetic twisted arsehole he doesn’t deserve to breath the same air as you.

What she said ⬆️
Get out now!!!

How old are you and how long have you been in this relationship?

just so you’re straight - this is NOT normal, this is not a man who loves and respects you. I’ll ask the age old mn question ‘what do you actually get out of this relationship?’

Do you have children?

Why are you with this man?

He is clearly addicted to porn, it is destroying your sex life and you certainly should not be hurting during sex because of how long it takes him to get anywhere...

There has been so much ''brainwashing'' about porn: how it is something that all men do, that we should just accept it or we are ''prudes'' and so on.

Meanwhile porn is doing major damage to relationships and dating.

Leave him. Your current situation is absolutely not normal or acceptable.

WTF? I just read your additional message about bestiality. Come on OP, you need to run. This man is a complete depraved pervert and he will drag you down into the gutter if you stay.

Seriously, seek help from a therapist after you have left him because I can't believed you have stayed so long with a man like this...

I think watching porn to begin with is where the line should of ended. People don't actually realise how damaging it is for couples. I use to be into porn and self pleasure and as good as it was short term, in the long run I had no other desire. I actually went cold Turkey on it all and it's been over a year and I feel better and relationship improved. In your case, he is already too reliant on porn and self pleasure and unfortunately if he doesn't stop or try to cut it significantly down it's going to be like a third leg in your relationship.

You could try talking with him about it, or possibly take things in your hands and initiate and spice it up. Ultimately porn is a no go.