My son is aggressive.

[Fordv15]

I have written about my son before. So if it rings a bell that may be why.

Before it's asked yes we are waiting on CAMHS. Yes I do phone up regularly. No its not easy just to call and ask them to hurry up. Yes I'm in contact with Gp.

So my son has been with his sister for 2 days. Just because he wanted to they get on fine generally chill out ect all was fine. He's also been fine with me with general contact.

So he Came home got in at 10.30ish . He seemed fine said his sister was fine . And my grandson was fine. Tone was normal.

So now it's 10.50 he asked me what there is to eat . I told him to look in kitchen. He tells me there's nothing ( he's not looked) his tone being's quite aggressive. He's not shouting but its very aggressive. He's talking down to me in an awful way. I asked him what do you want me to do? He told me to order a food shop. I explained to him I was going to do this but since he moans about what I get I was waiting for him before I actually order. Again he started on me about what can he eat. I told him what ever he can find I'm the kitchen. He said yeah not proper food. I told him that I don't have a magic wound it's 10.50 at night.

As I said he was very aggressive and he was scaring me. My tone did changed it went heigh pitch because I was practically crying by this point. I told him Just to stop that he has no right to come in and start on me how he has he he started screaming /shouting at me . I can't remember the words he said. But he threw a box at me. He got hold of a fan went to throw that at me but changed his mind and threw it towards the TV. He then stormed out of the room went up to my room and trashed it . He's thrown all the drawers over the room and generally trashed it. He then Came back told me he hated ne them He left the house for about 30 min.

He came back went to his room its been kind of quite . He them came back down shouted to me something I did not hear and he left.

Sorry if it does not make much sense I'm typing whilst it feels very raw and emotional. So it might not make 100% sense.

I have reached out to social services before but they can't seem to do much. Because he's 15 there's nothing I can do.

Police?

How are you this morning Op?

is his Df on the scene? What is he doing for schooling etc

Bizarrely, my dd is like this and her out bursts are always around food.
She is 16 and has ASD.

Her temper is scary, I laugh when nervous, which incites her further. I stay out of the way and dh does his best to calm her down.
She has been through CAMHS but refused to engage. Anger management clearly hasn't worked for her.

You have my sympathy, it is truly awful navigating such a temper. I have no advice as we haven't cracked how to manage it yet.

Ok this morning so far. His father has never been around. He's Been out of school for quite long. But he's meant to be starting college in September. He did seem positive I'm hoping it stays that way.

When he went out last night he turned of his location. I then found out via his friend he was at the train station. I can see the station from where I live . So I went to take my bins out and he was on the platform watching me through the fence/bushes. I pretended not to see him.

Oh I should add before I went out to the bins I had messaged him to ask him why he was at the station and he told me to fuck off.

I decided to turn all the lights off so the house was quite and go to bed. He came in 10 mins later and went to his room.

I'm just hoping he does not start to day . It totally came from no where.

Sorry for what you also go through. I can't actually remove myself from the situation as he actually comes for me. We are waiting on CAMHS but I don't think he will engage when the time comes .

Your response re the food shop was antagonistic so I’m not surprised it enflamed the situation. Next time rephrase it to something more positive such as ‘I really wanted to make sure you had the food you like so I’ve waited for you to add to the order, next time would you prefer for me to contact you at your sisters re the order?’. Although it’s aimed at parents of toddlers look at Big Little Feelings on Instagram. If youre struggling with the CAHMs have you explored patient choice instead?

@NiceTwin I’m not surprised about your daughter. The health inequalities autistic females face is appalling. It’s believed that 50 - 80% of autistic individuals have ADHD and due to this suffer from emotional dysregulation, impulsivity etc. This may be highlighted to you in specific situations re food but likely happens in her head more often. She probably needs a small dose of stimulants each morning to help her mind regulate itself. Did they even test for this when she was medically diagnosed as autistic? Or have they left a young girl to do the research and advocate for herself?

I don't even know what antagonistic means.

He had asked me during the argument to order a main food shop. I was telling him yes I'm going to order a shop. But I was waiting for you . So he could order Things to. I then explained but that's not going to change lastnight he was going on and on about what could he eat right then. Using the positive type words your saying don't work when someone is aggressive towards you and then uses items to be aggressive /violent towards you. I done nothing wrong to him and I did not deserve it.

I sympathise with you and you have every right to feel safe in your home. Your son's behaviour is inexcusable.

But I'd instinctively handle that differently. If DS asked me for food and he'd been away, I'd get up, go into the kitchen with him, ask him what he fancied, look at what we had in and make a suggestion based on what he said he'd like.

If he said there was no real food, I'd say, 'Yes it's time to do a shop. I waited because i wanted to know what you fancy. Have some toast for now and let's sort out the list.' Then move on to discussing menus for the week around things we both like. That way you are agreeing with him, diverting him and reducing the potential for escalation.

You shouldn't have to, but if you do have to, I'd choose that option over escalation.

Your response re the food shop was antagonistic so I’m not surprised it enflamed the situation. Next time rephrase it to something more positive such as ‘I really wanted to make sure you had the food you like so I’ve waited for you to add to the order, next time would you prefer for me to contact you at your sisters re the order?’

Oh for fucks sake what utter pandering nonsense Would you be saying the same if he was OP’s boyfriend?

The number of posters that blame innocuous actions of mums for their teenage sons being violent to them is shocking.

When I was 15 nobody discussed fucking menu choices with me when doing the food shop. Nor did my parents come running to wait on me if it was 10.30pm and I had just strolled in. If I was hungry, I would go to the fridge and make whatever was in there like a normal teen - beans on toast or whatever.

This culture of pandering pampering parenting is absolutely shocking and NOT healthy.

I think the way you deal with this very much depends on his mental health. If he's suffering from mental health issues then you wouldn't handle it in the same way as you would if he was just being a particularly bratty teenager.

I’d have called the police when he started throwing things.
But it’s hard to call the police on your own child.

The food conversation gave him too many things to bicker about —- what there was, when you were doing a shop, why you’d delayed it to ( kindly) take his views into consideration.
I’d have said there’s A or B ( e.g. sandwich or beans on toast) and there’s an apple or a yoghurt to follow. Help yourself. And walk away.
Always give the forced alternative —- not what do you want for tea but do you want A or B for tea? If neither of those then there isn’t a tea.

No chance of a residential college course anywhere?

Thank you for understanding. About 2 weeks ago . He had told My daughter we had no food in the house. And that I had not cooked for weeks . So whilst on the phone to her I went in my kitchen and told her what I had. It was not great food. It was things like chicken nuggets , sausage, chicken burgers chips. Fish fingers jacket potatoes. Then tin food . Ham. Things like Jam choc spread. Pasta tuna ect. We do have fresh chicken mince beef etc but that tends to go quite quickly. I have recently ordered a 2nd freezer so I can store food better so will give us more choices. Anyway my daughter then told me. That when she says things like I only have fish fingers and chips or sandwich stuff. He says that's fine I'm happy with that . But yet to me he reacts how he did.

I also checked with my daughter if he had eaten and he had .

It's honestly like he truly hates me.

Tell him if he’s violent to you one more time you will call the police and he can deal with men bigger and stronger than he is.

I understand what you mean. But its very hard to work out. Because he will only treat me this way and no one else. And if you have someone being aggressive and throwing things at you . And your scared it's extremely hard.

There is no excuse for his outrageous behaviour but it's probably 'hanger'. You must know what he likes to eat so just buy plenty of it- Rustlers, pizzas, pies, frozen burgers and buns, chips, ketchup etc etc. Boys are ravenous at that age.

Ah that’s it, a few burgers will stop him scaring his mum and trashing the joint. Ffs

Last time I called the police they took over 6hrs to turn up. They told him give your mum a break she's doing her best. They then reported me to social services saying my house was a mess. When it was actually from even ds trashed it. OK I had 6 hrs to clean it. But it was silly o, clock in the morning and I was so stressed and upset. Anyway nothing come of it to be honest.

OP he's bullying you.

The hardest thing to do is call the Police on your own child BUT this is what's needed.

The fact he is fine around others and returns home to abuse you.... he's doing it because he can.

He will probably go on to 'beat 'other Women.

You really have my sympathy having to live like this.

@Fordv15 do you think your own mental health issues are exasperating the issue? When someone gets used to frame themselves as the victim it creates a sense of helplessness and stops them from carry out the steps that need to be taken to address the issue.If you feel scared what are you doing about it? Have you spoken to your GP to about what support is on offer. For example, on top of counselling my local NHS runs a recovery college that delivers a course on assertiveness skills.

Being antagonistic means acting in a hostile way. The way you describe the situation it is highly likely that your son would have viewed your behaviour as argumentative rather than scared. It sounds like his behaviour might be learnt behaviour and as you act in a rude manner to him when your scared he's doing the same to you and just needs help.

You say behaving positively (so fighting fire with water) when someone is aggressive doesn't work but this hasn't been my experience. My mum was antagonistic so I'm very aware of how fighting fire with fire just flans the flames so I will not do this.

I understand it is hard, but I would call the police every single time; and I would change the locks and tell Social Services that you refuse to have him at home any longer because he is violent and abusive. And stick to it. Whether this is because he is a violent bully, or because he has mental health issues, the end result for you is the same - you are terrified in your own home. That is not a place any woman should be, and if nobody is standing up for you, you must stand up for yourself.

@Fordv15 It does sound like your really struggling with life and need to access your own support

What are the consequences for his behaviour? What would happen if you stood your ground and showed no emotion? Is he behaving this way because he knows he gets away with it time and time again with you?
I hope you can get the help you need no parent should be abused by their kids.

Hi OP, can you contact social services again? Ask if they offer NVR (non violent resistance) classes for parents. It's a very useful approach for parents trying to manage behaviour of aggressive and violent children.

Could he not just have bought some chips on the way home/have some toast/make something himself?

Then he trashed your furniture?

Selfish, entitled little twat.

I would be grounding him and telling him to pay to replace it himself. Does he have a part-time job? Sounds like he needs one.

He needs some consequences for acting like this. You're not doing yourself any favours by ignoring it while you wait for CAMHS. Or call 999 and get him sectioned next time he does this.