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Original poster

Can I talk a situation over with you & will you tell me what you would do?

65 replies

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:11

Older relative, 82.
Extremely hard worker all his life, own business, very very comfortable.
Sold everything on retirement and moved abroad with his wife.
Long term rented an apartment, lived very happily for 20 years abroad.

Rewind, had a wife, 3 young kids, met a woman at one of his businesses. She abandoned her 3 small kids, he abandoned his 3 kids and they moved in together. Neither bothered with their previous families at all, contact, financially, nothing.
He and new women married, had another child.

Both extremely driven, built up the business, workaholics.
New child pretty much abandoned but had money, gifts, whatever their heart desired they got. Very privileged (but emotionally neglected) childhood.
As an adult, arrested,drugs, theft etc. Served in prison. Never had a job. Provided for 100% by parents way into 20”s, 30”s, 40”s. Moved abroad with parents.

Oldest child of elderly male relative (from 1st marriage) built up a lovely relationship with his dad as an adult. Visited him abroad many times, got on well.

Fast forward to now. Elderly relative is now penniless and homeless due to son (2nd marriage) taking every last penny to fund drugs, fruitless and useless business plans which all went nowhere very quickly.
His wife died of cancer 5 years ago, son refused to help and showed no interest in his mother while unwell, dying, end of life.

So son from 1st marriage has paid airfare for both to come back, has his dad staying in his box room while helping him sort out financial support and housing. His health is poor, he is frail. Had obviously not been eating or able to afford medical care of medications during last months/weeks abroad.

Now wayward son is manipulating elderly relative to get accommodation, claim benefits and claim he is his carer. He is also telling him that they should go back abroad. In other words, he has ruined him, financially abused him and wants to carry that on.
we also know that there has been physical abuse and elderly relative is frightened of the son.

Elderly relative will not listen to ANY advice, will not hear anything negative about son, is now trying to make up his mind what to do.

How would you sort out this mess?????

OP posts:

naomi81 · 20/08/2022 20:13

Honestly, run....

Allmarbleslost · 20/08/2022 20:14

I wouldn't. I'd stay well out if it.

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:15

I’m not involved AT ALL, but musing it over. What could be done in this situation.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/08/2022 20:17

I'd stay well out of it. If I've read it correctly the elderly relative is facing the consequences of his piss poor parenting. There will be nothing you can do because they don't want to face this.

Surtsey · 20/08/2022 20:17

Kindly son needs to take advice on a power of attorney asap, especially as it may be that the father may no longer have capacity to manage his financial affairs, and that he is being subjected to elder abuse by the other son.

BoffinMum · 20/08/2022 20:19

I would get advice from the Office of the Public Guardian

hewouldwouldnthe · 20/08/2022 20:20

Social worker for the elderly man. They take on vulnerable adults, but can't do anything if the person refuses. If the elderly man refuses to listen to number one son and goes along with drug addict child then number one says, I'm out and makes it clear to elderly man he wants no further contact.

then he walks away just like his shit father did. Hopefully not looking back ever

crazeekat · 20/08/2022 20:20

Is elderly man of sound capacity?
If so
There is really nothing good son can legally do to protect him from bad son, how is he managing to get in touch? Does dad have a phone?
Try to make elderly man as comfortable as possible, it is lovely good son can do this after the abandonment of the early years and this should be commended.
If bad son does convince him to go u can contact social services and raise concerns of abuse and neglect, elderly are classed as a vulnerable group so please try to gather as much information from now. Document every contact as much as you can, and what was said and what bad son try's to get dad to do. I hope things get better for you all and good luck x

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:21

Elderly relative has 100% capacity, there is absolutely nothing wrong with his cognitive function.
physical health has improved drastically in the 6 weeks he has been with kindly son. He looks SO much better.

OP posts:

mackthepony · 20/08/2022 20:22

Social worker

Where's the abroad?

crazeekat · 20/08/2022 20:26

In that case I would work on getting power of attorney on him purely to safeguard him for the future, he can agree to this himself with full capacity, if he won't then I'm afraid there is not much u can do if he is point blank refusing to not take heed of the concerns of his welfare. I would still contact social services for proper legal advise tho wich u can do without his consent.

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:26

Elderly relative was regularly “blacking out” over recent mo the abroad. Son stepped over him or was too stoned to help him.
Concerned friends contacted kindly son to voice their concerns. It seems these friends were giving elderly relative meals and support. In the end contacted kindly son as something needed doing.
They said his clothes were dirty and weight was dropping off him and he had been given notice on his flat which had passed.

OP posts:

creamwitheverything · 20/08/2022 20:27

I would have elderly father assessed by social services to question his mental capacity for a start. If found to be fully in charge of his faculties then there is nothing you can do sadly. If found to be abused by the druggie one then the elderly gent could get a restraining order out to keep him away but its unlikely from what you have said that he will agree to anything like that, Could the nice son gain power of attourney to help his father? This would be helpful to him setting up home and keeping a check on finances if it becomes too much,also it would be ideal to ease druggie one out of the picture, Its tough this one with no easy answers.Sorry OP

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2022 20:28

Report to police for physical and financial abuse.

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:29

It’s really isn’t an easy situation I agree. Very upsetting.
Thanks for all of your kind help, very much appreciated.

OP posts:

PoseyFlump · 20/08/2022 20:29

Where is the nasty son staying?

The nice son is amazing. If he's a relative of yours OP you should be very proud of him.

ilovebagpuss · 20/08/2022 20:29

How will they afford to go back abroad anyway? 1st marriage son I would tell 2nd son that there is only space for dad at house and to jog on.
Then hopefully time and distance he will have to loosen grip on elderly father as not getting anything out of it.
Perhaps a move to sheltered accommodation or care home might be looked into for father? Social worker involvement and Power of Attorney etc.

L0bstersLass · 20/08/2022 20:32

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:21

Good. Sounds like the son from the 1st marriage is doing a good job.
Where is the wayward son now? Did I understand correctly that the son from 1st marriage haid paid for the wayward son to come over to the UK too?
How is the wayward son contacting his dad?

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:34

We don’t know where wayward son is. He lies and speaks complete bollocks , says he is staying at a “friends” who has work for him.
There is no contact with him from family pov.
Elderly relative has an old brick phone that he rings and texts him.
Wayward son doesn’t know where kindly son lives.
Kindly son picked them up from the airport and dropped wayward son off at the “friends” house. Wayward son went ballistic at kindly son because he assumed kindly son would accommodate him.
NOPE. Absolutely NOT.

OP posts:

perimenofertility · 20/08/2022 20:36

If this was my father, I would forgive and forget the past. I would tell him that I would do whatever possible to help him out and make him comfortable (housed, fed, clothed, cared for, etc) from then on, but on the condition that the abusive younger son comes nowhere near us and is financial cut off.

Original poster

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/08/2022 20:38

Elderly relative had £200 in his pocket. The last of his vast fortune.
Wayward son took that to stay in a hotel for a few nights leaving the dad with nothing.
Yes , kindly son paid airfare for both as both were penniless and homeless. Elderly relative asked kindly son as a favour to him.
Kindly son works 2 jobs to make ends meet. Don’t know how he afforded it. Probably wiped out his savings.

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 20/08/2022 20:39

For a start i wouldnt have paid for wayward sons airfare to travel, and good son needs to block waywards sons number so he puts a stop to the abuse.
What are dads wishes, did he want to come back to the UK?

PoseyFlump · 20/08/2022 20:39

Elderly relative has an old brick phone that he rings and texts him.

So if this got accidentally turned off and lost.... job done.

lljkk · 20/08/2022 20:40

How to sort it out depends who one is in the story.... i imagine OP means (how to sort) if she were nice son already hosting the old man, not one of the other 5 children from 1st marriages. i guess if I were nice son I would try to gently persuade my dad that he was enabling not helping youngest child, & lay down some ground rules one of which is "Difficult brother cannot visit my home." Rest might be out of nice son's control.

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 20/08/2022 20:47

Elderley gent reaping what he sowed

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