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Original poster

If you want(ed) children, what was it that you wanted?

58 replies

monsterastuckiosa · 19/08/2022 10:31

I have no children and I'm pretty sure I don't want them. I've never felt a desire to have kids, but I've always been curious about how it feels to want them, especially since it's SUCH a powerful urge for many people.

I know there's a biological drive, which I imagine is a physical / gut-level sensation, but apart from that I'd love to hear your experiences - what is it about having children that you thought: "That - I want THAT."?

Was it the role of shaping a life that excited you? A desire to feel unconditional love? Extra people to share your life with?

I'm sure this sounds like a mad question to anyone who can't imagine NOT wanting children, but I can't really imagine wanting them, and I'd like to understand.

OP posts:
Yamyam13 · 19/08/2022 10:42

Definitely a primal urge, but also I wanted the experience & security of having a family of my own. I'm a nuturer by nature and love to look after and support people. Not that you can't be like that and do that without kids, but it played a part.
Plus, I really like children & babies. I love spending time with kids, love their company (most of the time 😂).

AmbushedByCake · 19/08/2022 10:44

To me that's like saying "if you're hungry, what is it about food that you want? The protein, a particular vitamin group, are your blood sugars low?" I needed to have a child in what felt like the same way I need food sleep and water.

Original poster
monsterastuckiosa · 19/08/2022 11:14

AmbushedByCake · 19/08/2022 10:44

To me that's like saying "if you're hungry, what is it about food that you want? The protein, a particular vitamin group, are your blood sugars low?" I needed to have a child in what felt like the same way I need food sleep and water.

Yep, I totally get that, and sounds like that's the biological urge I mentioned in my OP. I'm asking more about the desires apart from that... and maybe there weren't any, which is also understandable!

OP posts:
Puddlings · 19/08/2022 11:44

OP I'm a bit like you I think - I've never had a desire to have children and will almost certainly stay childfree. I've had (very) fleeting feelings when my nieces are being particularly cute, but the only other reasons I would consider kids is because of FOMO (terrible i know) and to have a family/adult kids when I'm older. No interest in small children though which is why I'll almost certainly stay childfree.

partypingola · 19/08/2022 11:47

Definitely primal urge but also a richness to life, to experience things again through a child's eyes. I don't want to miss out on the experience. I am very family orientated and felt sad at the thought of us all growing older and dying off.

redlou123 · 19/08/2022 11:52

As well as the biological urge that I can't explain, I've always been really close to my own parents and want to have that same experience with children of my own - having that close family bond but from the other side. I particularly like the relationship I have with my parents as adults, more like a unique friendship that I don't have with anyone else. I would love to have the same sort of relationship with my own children when I'm older. I know there are no guarantees it will work like that in reality but it is something that has been in my mind.

I don't have any children yet and have had fertility issues (2.5yrs to conceive for the first time and then 4 miscarriages; currently 35 weeks pregnant with my 5th pregnancy and hoping this is the one). Actually the thought of having a future without my own family is one of the things I've struggled with most when it has looked like it might not happen for me.

Barrawarra · 19/08/2022 11:52

Being a family, being fascinated by the miracles of pregnancy and child development. Expecting that there would be so much more love and fun in my life (I was a bit wrong about that one, there was but also a lot more suffering and stress than I expected!). Plus biology as discussed. Seeing life with kids as the next challenge for me.

Before kids, I never understood how someone could want to be childfree, now I have them I do - my rose tinted glasses are gone and I would encourage any friend who feels that way that there just as many good reasons not to have kids.

theveg · 19/08/2022 11:52

For me, it wasn't about having a baby. I was never broody round babies at all. It was about wanting to build a family unit with my dh. My family (as in my parents and siblings) were and still are a bedrock of my life. My parents marriage gave me the stability to grow and feel totally secure and loved. I wanted to create the same sort of stability for a family unit of our own.

Numbat2022 · 19/08/2022 11:55

A desire to see my own child grow, shape their life and see the world again through their eyes.

I also felt the primal urge, but only when my friends started having children (mid-30s). I think it would have passed and I would have been fine after a while if I hadn't been able to conceive.

Lottapianos · 19/08/2022 11:58

I wanted a family of my own. I felt a very strong, maybe biological, urge to hold and soothe and feed and nourish a baby. I have a very difficult relationship with my own parents and I guess I longed for 'family' to become something positive and enjoyable in my life, instead of stressful and upsetting. I absolutely felt the urge in my guts and in my heart, and many days it was all I could think about

I didn't have children though, and at nearly 43, I won't be having any. I worked with children and parents for 20 years and had no rose tinted illusions whatsoever about what parenting would involve. I knew that I was not cut out for it, and that I would not have coped well with the reality of it. It's still a painful issue for me but I do feel that on balance I made the right choice

MercuryOnTheRise · 19/08/2022 12:02

Oh difficult one to answer op.
I wanted children from being a small child, I nurtured my dolls and my only real ambition was to be a mummy.

When I met future DH I loved him very much and we both wanted children. I very much wanted children that were half him and half me.

I was also the only child of two only children and didn't want to grow old with no family.

TempsPerdu · 19/08/2022 12:05

I never had the primal urge, so it became more of a rational, pros and cons decision. I’d worked with children for some time, studied child development and psychology, so I knew I liked and was quite ‘good with’ children, and knew a fair bit about what to expect - this, and the fact that many of my friends had DC fairly young so I could witness their experiences, actually put DO and I off for many years. DP and I had been together since I was 22, and we finally got round to having DD (our first and only) when I was 37!

For me it’s about nurturing and guiding a new person, realising their potential, and introducing them to everything the world has to offer. I’m a bit of a natural teacher, and really relish introducing DD to new ideas and experiences. We stopped at one largely because we wanted the resources, time and energy to do this.

TempsPerdu · 19/08/2022 12:08

Oh, and I’m definitely not someone who wanted DC from a young age - couldn’t even countenance the idea in anything other than a purely hypothetical way until I hit mid 30s. I was always the one in the office who hid whenever a colleague’s new baby was brought in! (I’m still not fussed about babies tbh).

StarDolphins · 19/08/2022 12:16

I’m going to be honest here, I didn’t want children, even at 38-40. I was happy with my life, could see my self happy & childless right up to old age. There was no biological urge of any kind. Split up with people because they wanted children etc

Then, just all of a sudden, I wanted to have a child. I conceived straight away & had my DD at 42.

Best thing I ever did. I am totally devoted to being a Mum, LOVE everything about it, looking after her, playing with her, everything. I would never have imagined it after being so adamant until v late on.

KohlaParasaurus · 19/08/2022 12:20

For me it was a profound biological urge, but also curiosity about the experience of pregnancy, childbirth, child development and learning to do a lot of new things. And I LIKED babies and small children (I still do).

xogossipgirlxo · 19/08/2022 12:23

I never wanted a child per se. I'm not a babies person. I just want a child with my husband. I love him so much that I want to have his baby, not just some guy's. If I wasn't married to him, hard to say if I would want to be a mother.

FourTeaFallOut · 19/08/2022 12:27

I suppose I could tell you all the logical reasons why I wanted children but the truth would be that the drive to have children came first and then I acquired a narrative that legitimised the decision. People are rarely dispassionate observers of their own lives.

addler · 19/08/2022 12:32

I've always wanted them, I guess part biological urge, but also my career was a nanny. I spent 60-70 hours a week with kids. I helped raise them from newborns through toddlerhood, I had school kids become teenagers, and I saw just how incredible children are.

They really make me laugh. I love the way the see things, I love watching them learn about the world and how they interpret it. I love the funny things they come out with, I love being surprised by how little credit we give them sometimes.

I saw how magical it could be, to share my life with children, and I wanted my own. It's also really fucking hard, but magical.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 19/08/2022 12:36

It would have been a waste not to share my brilliance 🤣

Mushroo · 19/08/2022 12:38

I don’t have one yet but were stating TTC soon.

I have zero biological urge and growing up hated dolls and was adament I didn’t want kids.

I still don’t particularly want a baby, but I do want a family. DH and I have spent years doing exactly what we want, travelling, buying a house, nights in the pub, fancy restaurants.

Im ready to do something different, and I’m so excited to have a family - creating that unit, family memories, days out with kids, introducing someone to the world and watching them grow.

IncompleteSenten · 19/08/2022 12:40

It's a very strong biological urge that we (those of us that have it, not everyone does) try to - intellectualise is the closest word but not quite right because that's more about using reason re fears I think?

Body goes "baby baby baby now now now" and we come up with civilised and sensible reaso.."baby baby baby! "😁

Soproudoflionesses · 19/08/2022 12:43

theveg · 19/08/2022 11:52

For me, it wasn't about having a baby. I was never broody round babies at all. It was about wanting to build a family unit with my dh. My family (as in my parents and siblings) were and still are a bedrock of my life. My parents marriage gave me the stability to grow and feel totally secure and loved. I wanted to create the same sort of stability for a family unit of our own.

I would agree with this too
Babies were never my thing until l had one of my own of course and the burst of pride l get when people say my dd is a credit to us is immense.

maranella · 19/08/2022 12:43

I never deconstructed exactly why - I just knew that I wanted to have children, to create a family with my husband - and he felt the same. So we did.

JorisBonson · 19/08/2022 12:45

I've never ever had the urge, and like PP weighed up the pros and cons and sensibilities before deciding not to have children.

I don't feel like I'm missing out. I love my little family of 2.

toffeechai · 19/08/2022 12:49

My biologically clock went off recently. I’m 41 and TTC was not possible for a long time for health reasons. We are hoping we haven’t missed our chance but will have to see obviously.

It’s partly primal. But also I looked at my life and went: is this it? Really? And if this is it, is it enough? And I knew I wanted a different experience of life, I suppose.