If you want(ed) children, what was it that you wanted?

[monsterastuckiosa]

I have no children and I'm pretty sure I don't want them. I've never felt a desire to have kids, but I've always been curious about how it feels to want them, especially since it's SUCH a powerful urge for many people.

I know there's a biological drive, which I imagine is a physical / gut-level sensation, but apart from that I'd love to hear your experiences - what is it about having children that you thought: "That - I want THAT."?

Was it the role of shaping a life that excited you? A desire to feel unconditional love? Extra people to share your life with?

I'm sure this sounds like a mad question to anyone who can't imagine NOT wanting children, but I can't really imagine wanting them, and I'd like to understand.

I’m in a similar boat and your story has given me hope for our chances!

We just knew by our late twenties this was what we wanted more than anything. You know when you are ready for children

I have a really strong maternal instinct, even in childhood I did. Before I had children I'd mother my friends and family! It was such a strong urge to be a mum, to look after people, to have a family. It's hard to explain.

I never wanted children but met my fiancé and all of a sudden wanted a family. Can't even really explain it, maybe it's because I was early 30's and it was some sort of ticking clock, I don't know but I was never interested before.
It wasn't an instant "omg, I want children with you" but after a couple of years it just hit me!

First time round, it was just so I wouldn't regret it in later life.

2nd time round I was desperate for a baby. I was v v lucky that I conceived fairly quickly, but it gave me the tiniest insight into what it must be like to want one so badly, but not be able.

I'm approaching menopause now and have absolutely no desire to have any more children, but I do get caught of guard sometimes by suddenly wanting a cuddle of a baby or puppy or kitten.😁

Why do people want anything? It’s a lifestyle choice though a huge one. No different really than wanting a horse, or to travel or a boob job.

I was in my late 20's, had been married for a few years, had our own home and financially stable so it just seemed like it was the next natural step and would be fun, it was never a biological urge for me.
Never regretted it, my DS is the absolutely joy of our lives!

I never wanted children until I met DH.

Then, I wanted his children.

I just wanted them I guess. I like being being a parent but I think that's why lots of people don't like it, yet keep having more. The best part is them existing. The worst part is everything else.

I really wanted a baby to look after. I always have felt happier when ive had something to look after such as pets. I wanted a kid in the same way as that. It was a bit of a vague feeling when i was younger but a few times in my life it turned into a bit of an obsessive longing. I dont think there was anything logical about it. Was quite an animal instinct really and i just went with it because im an idiot

Thanks for this thread op. Really interesting. I’ve always been pretty sure I don’t want children, but I’m at a last chance saloon age (40). I definitely don’t have the primal urge, and the thought of the 13 years of slog doing everything / not doing things I enjoy is what puts me off.

really interesting the mix of people the wanted to emulate their happy family upbringing and those wanting a family to give a child what they themselves didn’t have.

For me there was a really suddenly biological pull after I had turned 25 where I just desperately wanted children. I wanted my own child to love, look after and see change and grow. It was ultimately a primal drive but also wanting to share my life with someone I loved deeply, watch them grow, learn and offer them whatever I could.

Like some other PPs, children were not something I thought I would want until I was in my late 20s and after I met my husband. I didn't experience a physical, biological drive to reproduce, and I'm not massively fond of tiny babies. I think I probably enjoy them more since having my own though. I did really want to have a family. I guess it's something we're sort of conditioned to expect as the norm and there are lots of positive cultural associations with family life. I don't know if that explains it but I wanted it. We had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant and like others I struggled at times to imagine a life without a child.

My son is older now. Nearing the end of primary school. We were never able to have any more children. I'm not going to say it's all been glorious and perfect, but I'd do it again, unpleasant fertility treatment, labour and stitches and no sleep and all of it. Not only because I love my son very much, but I do enjoy being a family and being mum. I like feeling capable and important to my son and my husband, I enjoy the closeness we all have and having fun doing things together. I like being able to do things he likes and help him be a good person.

I wanted the experience, to see childhood again from the other side and see them growing up and learning. I wanted to live with a family. I didn't want to be the last generation of my immediate family. More people to love and to go through life with.

Primal urge for babies made me crazy. and now that I have them I love doing girly stuff with my daughter and having her hang around me and I enjoy all my sons weird little man games with his cars and stick sword fighting and so on.

Definitely had the strong overwhelming feeling like I just needed to try to have kids.

I always wanted a bigger family/more siblings/cousins etc as a child so always imagined myself with quite a tribe of kids (life sadly didn't work out that way).

My main positive ideas about what it would be like were imagining teaching them things, showing them the world, that sort of thing.

The love was quite a shock really, because I thought I knew what love was (family and romantic) but for me the love for my kids is so much more intense than those other loves.

Incidentally, I'm another one who never wanted babies per se. I wanted it all, the whole journey, the whole experience. When I'm older I want to have adult children. I know they won't owe me anything, but hopefully I don't do such an awful job that they don't want me in their lives at all!

I think most people are born with that ‘wanting children’ switch already flicked in them but in my case it wasn’t. I work with children (which doesn’t always make you want one 🤣) but I had no intention of having one. I think most of it for me was due to being petrified of giving birth and even the concept of carrying a baby about in my belly for all those months completely put me off, I just couldn’t see why anyone would want to. In 2020 something flipped and it was like a bomb had gone off in my head. I suddenly NEEDED a baby. I wasn’t so much thinking of it as a child, but more as a baby. Just everything about having this little person to care for etc, I can’t even really explain but I very quickly discussed it with my husband then we conceived our little boy. I had the easier pregnancy ever and the most straightforward easy c-section, I don’t know why I had worried for so many years of my life. It’s such a cliche and everyone says it but he is just the best thing ever and I am SO glad I decided to have him. He isn’t even hard work like I’d heard he would be, he’s slept every night since he was tiny.

Cant really pinpoint what happened that made me want one but I just suddenly decided maybe I would be okay with the being pregnant thing I think and as soon as I started looking into it and started trying I wanted one more and more

Reading all of these has been so interesting. I have two children but wouldn't say I was ever broody at all when I had them. My first was an accidental pregnancy at 19. My second was at 27 and planned with my husband. I didn't particularly care either way whether we had a second child but I thought it would be 'quite nice' and my husband was broody and was very keen. It wasn't such a big deal since I already had a child.

I won't be having anymore and am only just starting to experience the feelings of wanting a baby that other people seem to feel. I am a bit jealous when I see babies and want to hold them. I think about how nice it would be to cuddle my baby. I enjoy watching videos of babies or looking at cute photos of them. I never would have done any of that before (except for with my own babies). It feels quite strange and I know I won't be having anymore. Perhaps the feeling will get stronger as I get older.

I'm also really interested in this, because I am childfree by choice and always have been, since being a small child myself (43 now): I had no interest in dolls or babies (or really other children at all, if I'm being honest) when I was younger, although I love animals and have had various caring roles in that sense (hand-rearing orphaned kittens / puppies, looking after injured wild animals, pet lambs etc).

When I got together with my OH 20 years ago, I stressed this point very clearly and made it very, very open that if he wanted to have children, then it was good night and no hard feelings, because I wasn't going to be that person (fortunately for me, he agreed!).

I used to take this opinion out with myself and challenge it every now and again (because the unexamined life is a bad thing) and every time, I got the same reaction: nada. No desire at all.

I have a lovely large extended family that I'm very close to, and nieces and nephews whose lives I am very much a part of, but literally no desire for my own.

I have always innately known that I don't want children, so I suppose this is just the 'equal and opposite' reaction of people who have always known they do want children?

Humans are funny animals. 😁

I'd always wanted children. Not in a biological urge way, more just that's how I saw my life panning out. DH felt the same. I'd never liked other people's babies so didn't feel broody as such, but loved my own babies

If for some reason we hadn't been able to have a family I would have needed to completely adjust my life plan. Maybe it would have been better - who knows!

This is such an interesting thread.

I always wanted children, I used to sleep with a dolly cot next to my bed as a child (and pretend it was my real baby) , loved helping with my baby cousins and used to cut out and stick the baby pages out of the argos catalogue to make my perfect nursery. At the school careers advice I told them I didn't mind my job just as long as it supported a home and children. Never wanted to do anything exciting or go on far flung travels (which makes me feel a bit dull and uninteresting!)

I couldn't wait to get college and university "over with" so I could get into a career and settle down. I had my first dc at 25. I have loved every moment of early motherhood- a bit lost now I'm in my mid 30s and the kids are starting to grow up and find their own independence.

First was primal urge, second was because I wanted a sibling for the first. I want a third because I adore the first two so much. I'd never spent much time around children or babies before having my own so there was no rational thinking behind it.

I’m like you as well OP. Perhaps because I spent a lot of time bringing up younger siblings it put me off!
The only time I’m slightly broody is seeing DP play with other people’s kids and knowing what a brilliant dad he’d be. But I’m not sure that’s enough.

I didn't want to reach the end of my life and have nobody around me. I know it's not guaranteed that my children will be there for me, but I'm raising them in such a way as to make it a distinct possibility!

I was in a brief relationship 10 years ago with a woman who fell sick and died, and her next of kin in her passport was her business partner. I found that so depressing, and have done everything in my power to avoid something similar.