Patriarchy Tax

[fromafixity]

DH and I have just changed banks, rejigged our accounts and rebudgeted.

We're an 'all money is shared money' household and historically have had all shared accounts. For the first time now we've set up a couple of individual accounts for our 'fun' money.

We were chatting about how much fun money we wanted to budget for, and we agreed I'd get slightly more (20%) because of some of the costs associated with performing 'woman' in a socially acceptable way. He's named the regular money transfer 'patriarchy tax', hence the thread name.

His fun money will mainly cover meeting friends at the pub / coffee shop / doing sport etc. Mine will cover the same, and also hair products, saving up for an occasional haircut, nail polish, skin care, makeup etc.

If you were budgeting for this, what % do you think would be reasonable? What are the extras that you wouldn't be buying / there would be no real equivalent for if you were a man?

WE transfer some additional money to my individual account from OUR shared account to cover items like nail polish and haircuts, yes.

My husband called it a patriarchy tax on the transfer note. I found that funny. You might not, which is fine, you aren't married to him.

We aren't competitors, he's not an oppressor and I don't think of him as one. We don't argue about the cost of haircuts or clothing, mine are more expensive and he's capable of understanding that and doesn't resent it. We don't argue or disagree about money at all, in fact, we're very much on the same page.

The reasons you have for expecting more than him in spending money are bizarre /bonkers

Patriarchy is what makes women think they have to do stupid stuff like damage their hair by dying it or their feet with stylish shoes , but it's not law , you don't actually have to

Will he get an uplift when he hits 40 for his mid life crisis?

Fair enough. We consider all money aside from a small amount of personal spends family money in my marriage and I’d personally find it odd to keep back large amounts of personal spending each, seems more like being single to me but each to their own.

I suspect you’ve come on this thread to largely boast to be perfectly honest as nobody asked about your husbands expensive cars or £800 shoes and they weren’t really relevant to the discussion on women having extra money for beauty and whether that’s a feminist issue or not.

This is such a weird concept.

I'd say you get extra for clothing. Men's clothing is more practical and well made and they need to buy less of it/ replace it less often.

For example, I've noticed DH and I both put on weight in the last year or so, he is getting on okay with his old clothes and I'm struggling with what to wear, due to the more fitted nature women's clothing. And I say this as an autistic woman who very much does not conform to stereotypes of femininity.

Those saying OP can opt out of performing femininity without any penalty, check your privilege. For many women this is not an option, particularly in the workplace.

What privilege exactly is it that I have that I can get away working without conforming to some peoples idea of what a women should do ?

I suppose if you were unlucky to work for a boss that policed such stuff without having the cash to take to tribunal for sex discrimination?

Do you have evidence that women who don't conform get worse promotion prospects ?

That's why we have separate accounts! I like to spend money on myself- haircuts, nails , make up, clothes, facials, massages etc. I don't do it for anyone else- my dh says he prefers me without makeup and couldn't care less what colour my hair, nails or lipstick is. I enjoy looking after myself- I do it for me. it's my money and I want to spend it how I like without scrutiny.

But do you deserve more to spend than your husband because you are a woman ?

@midgetastic no the question is does she have to spend more money because she’s a woman?

its uncontroversial to observe that women are generally held by society to a particular s standard in terms of personal appearance that is more expensive than men

some women choose not to comply with this of course

Why... no, I shan't say it.

Ok.
Funny quip from your DH to you, not an issue.

Serious suggestion that he should pay an oppressor tax to his wife. Horrible idea.

Sounds like you've just worked out you spend more, he's ok with that and is adjusting for that. All fine. What you spend it on is irrelevant if he's ok with it.

No, she doesn't have to spend money on beauty stuff if she chooses not to, but some women enjoy it, and want to.

Not in any office I’ve ever worked in. In general the men are expected to have a good suit, smart shoes, and a nice shirt. Women seem able to turn up pretty much dressed in whatever they want, including shorts, sandals and the sort of dresses that you normally keep for the beach.

@midgetastic no the question is does she have to spend more money because she’s a woman?

In my experience yes. I have a DD and DS 18 months apart in age (so clothes sizes etc very similar). In sorting out school uniform this year my DS needed pants, socks, trousers, polo shirt, shoes. My DD needed pants, bra, vest tops (to stop bra showing through ridiculously thin blouse), blouses, skirts, socks, tights, hair grips, shoes.

I don’t usually need to buy everything but school shopping coincided with a growth spurt for them both so new underwear etc was needed. Before I get to any kind of personal grooming my daughter needs a wider variety of stuff for daily life, I don’t see that improving as they get older.

She doesn't need personal grooming beyond a face wash and a hair trim that can be done at home , and I can manage to wear bra and no vest without things showing

People seem to want to create bother for themselves

No she doesn’t need much in the way of grooming but she’s just started to wear a bra, is one of the few in her class who do and feels self conscious about it being seen through the back of her blouse. In a few years I doubt she’ll give it a second thought but just now she needs the security of a vest top. I’m probably one of the least precious when it comes to that kind of thing but I don’t think she’s alone in feeling self conscious and it’s no bother to me.

This is a really interesting thread. At first I was thinking how, bras and sanpro aside, this patriarchy tax is actually it is vanity spending. Evidence for the gender pay gap is fascinating, however, should that mean one has to be 'more woman' to succeed? If anything, one should be 'less woman' in business. I don't know about your profession, but in my field it is really interesting that there is probably a 40:60 female to male ratio in senior positions - and that of those women in management, only one wears obvious make-up. If you have the personality to do the job then the image is not an issue - and I would argue that this is the agenda we should be working towards. By all means, you do full-on Chanel if you have the money and the desire - but not because you feel it will help you move up the ladder?

@Twillow why should one be less woman in business? It’s quite interesting to unpack when you start trying to unpick all the stereotypes isn’t it!

I suppose because it's perpetuating the stereotype of what 'feminine' is? That one can do a job regardless of the polished or rugged exterior. Just as it shouldn't be acceptable to say it's not 'manly' to cry, and how harmful that has been to men in the past. It's not wrong to wear make-up or high heels, but it's not wrong not to either.

I know what you mean! I also know my DH well enough to know what he means too. He loves me and is attracted to me without all the razzmatazz anyway. So I'm the context of us I'm okay with it.

I refused his offer, though I'd rather spend his money on it all than mine !

That would leave me with my money to spend on my fun things.

My integrity and feminism won't let me do it.

I love the artistry of make up, hair and nails. And some shoes are works of art that I'd happily put on a shelf like an ornament.

So when others make those choices I'm supportive
And I think men look really sexy with make up- especially eye make up. I love a bit of guy-liner.