Patriarchy Tax

[fromafixity]

DH and I have just changed banks, rejigged our accounts and rebudgeted.

We're an 'all money is shared money' household and historically have had all shared accounts. For the first time now we've set up a couple of individual accounts for our 'fun' money.

We were chatting about how much fun money we wanted to budget for, and we agreed I'd get slightly more (20%) because of some of the costs associated with performing 'woman' in a socially acceptable way. He's named the regular money transfer 'patriarchy tax', hence the thread name.

His fun money will mainly cover meeting friends at the pub / coffee shop / doing sport etc. Mine will cover the same, and also hair products, saving up for an occasional haircut, nail polish, skin care, makeup etc.

If you were budgeting for this, what % do you think would be reasonable? What are the extras that you wouldn't be buying / there would be no real equivalent for if you were a man?

Hang on, what?

Why do you need a new dress for each wedding? Is this really a thing? I’ve never heard of it, what’s driving this need?

What sort of wedding celebration is destroying your clothes each time?

Lol you definitely don’t need a new dress for each wedding. Blame the patriarchy for many things but that’s just silly

It depends why you choose to “perform woman”.
So there are women who love being very stereotypically feminine. Makeup, hair, nails, heels, the works. And that is perfectly ok. If you choose to “perform woman” because you genuinely want to and enjoy how you look and it makes you feel good that is great. More power to you.

My comment on closet feminists was really towards women who don’t want to “perform woman” but feel that they have to. Women who hate putting on makeup but fear for their career if they don’t. Women who wish they could not wear high heels but feel pressure to. Etc.

Feminism is about encouraging women to choose what they want, not what they feel they have to choose.

just to note Hair cuts and clothes are not fun - they are necessities so they should come from joint with perhpas a cap at which point you let the other know you are spending e.g. more than 200 quid in a month. Mclarens however are fun so that should come out of his spendings....

I totally see your point about the cost of looking professional

but the use pf make up, hair stuff, nail polish for work - that isn't even a factor in my budget. Are you at serious corporate things where expect you to wear Chanel?

I cut my own hair, use brands like Rimmel. But I don't have to wear designer clothes.

other than that, I don't use makeup etc. not really convinced by the name patriarchy tax.

These things really aren't choices as others describe.

I don't think people can understand unless they're ugly and when you are it's not a bit of fun to apply make up, it's a necessity. You would understand if you've been called ugly when going bare faced.

Ditto if you've been blessed with richly coloured hair. I have horrible mousey dark blond hair that doesn't shine as it's not dark enough in tone but isn't that pretty blond everyone likes without getting it bleached.

People who don't understand are just people who have been blessed with natural beauty or at least average beauty and thus can get away with not wearing make up and having hair done.

Plus who could go out and wear a skirt or dress with hairy legs and not get stares of distaste. It's a fantasy.

The fact is there are so many costs with being female - both in time and money and it's something that really angers me-.

Hair- costs of dying or bleaching. Need to use conditioner whereas men don't. More shampoo used as longer.

Shaving. Men only have the face area to do. Women need to remove leg, underarm and 'personal' hair. Extra five minutes every day plus more cost in razor and shave foam.

Bras inc specialist ones for low back dresses etc. Bras are normally £25 each and you need at least 7 assuming one a day. They need replacing from time to time.

Periods - hate hate hate. Tampons, pads, cups whatever, cost to replace any ruined underwear, ruined trousers or PJs etc. Cost me a fortune over the past 20 years.

Always have to wear perfume.

Hair- hair always has to be straightened or tonged for curls. Frizzy hair is not deemed acceptable by society.

Make up - as above. Loads of products needed.

Skincare - different creams to fight skin aging etc as not acceptable to look the age you are as a female whereas a man it's fine. Same with greying hair.

Plus the surcharge on buying female products. As above both men and women need shaving foam though women get through more as 50% of body needs hair removing. On top of this the same 500ml tube will be 25% more expensive for the female version cos there's pictures of flowers on it or whatever.

I'm sure there's more but that's what strikes me for now.

I would budget any "extra". If I wanted to go to the hairdressers I wouldn't see it any differently to me wanting to go ice skating. Neither are compulsory.
Just cut your own hair 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is really interesting. DH and I have pro-rata budgets and equal spending money.

I don't, and refuse to, spend money "performing femininity"

Haircuts, make-up, nail polish, beauty treatments, clothes, handbags, shoes etc etc are all rare spends for me. I'd rather buy a book or a gadget or top my savings/pension up. (Or buy roller skates/a bike!) right now I think I'm saving for an electric moped and CBT to ride said bike.

DH likes all the feminine touches and has offered to pay for them for me. So his version of a "patriarchy tax"

I've refused of course.

That is the stupidest most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard

Romeo “DH likes all the feminine touches and has offered to pay for them for me. So his version of a "patriarchy tax"

this would bother me but I can’t quite understand why.

I need £100s of pounds of underwear a year to hold up my 32h breasts, a bra that fits me properly is about £35 - I need 7 as I wear a clean one every day

And they wear out in about 18months

Plus I have various conditions associated with being female that require medication I have to pay for (I have a prepayment certificate at £120 a year)

I also need supportive footwear as I have feet affected by arthritis and hormones - I can't just throw a pair of trainers on like DH. Womens work footwear is quite expensive, my last pair cost £80 and they will last a year or two

Is that more than for men though? DH wears smart shoes for work, which means 5 pairs at £800 each, and then each needs to be refurbished each year for and extra £100+

Also a cocktail or glass of fizz is at least 50% more than a pint.

This is a joke, right? I get the other increased costs but unless your local pub prohibits men buying fizz and women buying pints, this is ridiculous.

Guess I never noticed how utterly unacceptable I am to society

And I have the kind of beauty that goes with "well she's the clever one "

It is a choice

Your world doesn't crumble if you make a choice to avoid all the expected

I can understand people feeling unable , too uncomfortable, to make that choice

I can understand people liking that which I don't

I can't understand those who refuse to see that it is a choice

This is a joke, right? I get the other increased costs but unless your local pub prohibits men buying fizz and women buying pints, this is ridiculous.

Don't you know the hidden hand of the patriarchy forces women to drink fizz and cocktails as well as buying more expensive pink Gillette razors when an identical cheaper blue one is on the shelf next-door?

I wonder which other things I’ve been doing wrong, alongside buying the blue razors and Biros.

I suspect there’s a long list.

Um tinysophie

Your Dh can get a smart pair of shoes for about £40 from M and S - why is he spending £800 apiece on them

My whole point is that my DH can buy £40 shoes from M and S whereas I have to spend £80 on supportive footwear due to being female (giving birth spread my feet, they then developed arthritis and now I need more expensive footwear due to JUST being female)

I mean, I literally do go out in skirts with hairy legs and vest tops with hairy armpits and I have several friends who also don’t shave. Some people might be disgusted but I can’t say I care or notice. Yes I know I’m probably in a minority but everything you list here is a choice and sounds more like a self esteem issue than anything else. It’s patriarchal standards behind it for sure, but it does sound like you feel the pressure more acutely than a lot of people. I doubt you’re as “ugly” as you believe you are and I’m sorry people have made you feel that way. I was also called ugly through school, but I don’t agree.

A lot of what ouch has said is mad. I admit I might get away with frizz due to my ethnicity but no one has to wear lots of makeup or perfume. I don’t wear skirts or dresses partly because it solves the bra and tights issues. A good trouser suit is fine. And that’s not a cost men can avoid.

Sounds like @ouch321 would be better off spending money on therapy not all those products etc. That's not a healthy mindset.

I won't give an opinion on hair removal because I'm not very hairy, so wasn't aware that women generally had to shave daily.

But hair does not need expensive colouring, bleaching or daily straightening. Just look around you when you go out. Most women don't have straight, blonde, bleached hair and it does not have to be like this.

And the other women up-thread don’t need to buy make-up, have expensive haircuts or buy a new dress for each wedding that they attend. You are showing real double standards here, ignoring the extra expenses that women have to present how they would like and then picking up on the male ones.

I 'perform' feminity as it gets described here.

Or in the real world, I am feminine and enjoy fashion and beauty.

I still think this is stupid.

Married people arguing about who's haircut costs the most, who overall costs the most to clothe or feed, and whether he should pay for your nail polish as a patriarchy tax, doesn't sound healthy to me.

It's setting up a you and me as competitors mentality rather than we're a team of 2 individuals.

Have a joint pot but anything big gets discussed. E.g you can buy the nail polish without declaring your husband an oppressor, but discuss the Gucci bag.
He can buy a new record, or whatever, but discusses savile row suit.

Identifying yourself as oppressed and making your DH pay for it, is a disturbing invasion of the gender wars into personal relationships.
Plus it's just stupid.

Are you speaking about me and my relationship? I don't recognise what you're describing at all, I think you may be projecting some stuff onto what I've written.

Eh?
You've written that you're going to get more money to buy nail polish etc and you're calling this a patriarchy tax.

Which part have I misrepresented?

I think it's that's dumb and unhealthy.

I don’t do any of those things, except shave my legs & armpits weekly (only in summer, I’m hairy over winter). No shaving foam as I just make a lather with a bar of soap.
I don’t own a hairdryer or any makeup. I have no high heeled shoes. I have 3 bras, which is plenty - one on, one in the drawer, one in the wash.
I am ugly but I don’t care. It’s my personality that counts