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Original poster

Unwanted gifts

63 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 12:31

4 times now my DSs partner has returned gifts I have lovingly chosen for her. Some of them quite expensive. She's just returned her birthday gift and acted as if I'd given her a gift wrapped turd.
What would you think if someone did this to you I am trying not to over react but I feel really upset. Most people would just say thanks then regift it or sell it on ebay if they didn't like the gift. The one she returned was something she showed me in a shop and said she loved.
I met up with them recently to discuss helping them buy a house which they were very excited about but there have been a lot of snide comments and rudeness from. Her in the past and I'm not sure I want to go ahead now.
I stay completely out of their lives I am not an interfering MIL. I have my own life.
I dont know what to do. I want to help my son but not this rude madam.

OP posts:
sugarspiceplumfairy · 14/08/2022 12:32

What did she say when she returned it?

I’d stop buying her gifts.

what does your ds say?

sugarspiceplumfairy · 14/08/2022 12:33

Also you can ensure any gift you give your ds is ringfenced should they split after a house purchase

Original poster
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 12:36

I'm not sure my DS knows. I dont want to mention it to him and cause trouble in their relationship. I offered to exchange it for something else and she said no. I tried not gifting once just sending a card and that was wrong too. She told my DS I'd insulted her.

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Original poster
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 12:38

sugarspiceplumfairy · 14/08/2022 12:32

What did she say when she returned it?

I’d stop buying her gifts.

what does your ds say?

Do you honestly think I'd want something like this. It wS something she said she loved a month earlier.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 14/08/2022 12:40

I think you should mention it in a 'throw away in the middle of a discussion with your DS' type conversation like "Oh, I didn't know what to get Mary for her birthday so I got her X after she said she liked it in a conversation but I'm not so sure now as she has returned it to me. Should I get her something else or just leave it?"
If you phrase it like that you shouldn't worry about causing trouble in their relationship.

badgerstink · 14/08/2022 12:41

I think it comes down to what passes in normal for different families. I was brought up in a family where you smiled, said thank you and kept whatever gift you were presented with even of it was hideous. That's what passed as polite.

I remember the horror I felt when I had my first Christmas with my now ExH's family who would open presents at the Christmas dinner table and if they didn't like something would immediately say so and ask for receipt.

I still don't know what's the better option to be fair - politeness or total honesty

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/08/2022 12:46

Put less effort in, just aim for something reasonable and suitable then always always give it with a gift receipt.

Then you've done your bit + been accommodating. And she has to do the work of returning/exchanging.

FayeGovan · 14/08/2022 12:51

Gift vouchers

VanillaParkersBowl · 14/08/2022 12:53

Do you honestly think I'd want something like this. It wS something she said she loved a month earlier.

Did you question that she said she loved it before?

I agree that you could mention it 'in passing' to your son. He needs to know who he's in a relationship with. And please be very careful about helping them with buying a house.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/08/2022 12:56

She sounds rude, if she wanted to give it back then she could have done that politely, to say 'did you honestly think I'd want something like that' is rude.

Don't buy her anything, and if she says anything just a tell her that she's returned the last 3 presents and done it rudely so you've decided to buy yourself something with the money instead and save you both the hassle.

DenholmElliot1 · 14/08/2022 12:57

The one she returned was something she showed me in a shop and said she loved.

So why didn't you say to her "but you showed me this in the shop and said that you loved it?"

Anyway, like a PP said, gift vouchers from now on.

Also, next time she returns a gift tell her that the correct thing to do upon receiving a gift is to smile and say thank you and then re-gift it or donate it to a charity shop if you don't like it and check with her whether her parents explained this to her early on in life. It's quite shocking how many people were dragged up with no manners so it could be this - perhaps no-one has ever just told her.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 14/08/2022 12:58

Perhaps with the col going up - it might be a good time to suggest to all that present/ gift buying for grown adults is stopped, and you just exchange birthday etc cards.

changzi · 14/08/2022 12:59

She sounds extremely rude. YANBU

carefullycourageous · 14/08/2022 13:00

Just give a voucher, ask your DS where to buy vouchers for and write in the card 'DS suggested which vouchers to buy'.

Disengage. She sounds a twat, but there could always be more to it from her side! If I were you I would get legal advice before gifting money for a house, it needs ring fencing.

DenholmElliot1 · 14/08/2022 13:00

And I wouldn't be giving money to help such a rude person buy a house either.

SwelegantParty · 14/08/2022 13:03

No way on this earth would I be helping such an entitled bitch buy a house! Stick a £10 note in card next time and call it done.

iloveyoubaby1 · 14/08/2022 13:03

She is incredibly rude. I couldn't imagine ever saying something like this to anyone.
4 times this has happened. I would mention it to your son in the way a previous poster has said.
Id also be reluctant to get her anything else. Maybe a box of chocolates but I would put too much thought or effort in for someone so ungrateful.

Very weird she said this about something she'd previously said she wanted.

Isn't she with your son when she opens the gifts? So doesn't he see and hear her say this? Surely she doesn't just open them each time where it's just the 2 of you? Aren't other people around at the time?

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/08/2022 13:04

Charity goat for Africa for all future gifts ... 😈😁

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 13:06

She seems very strange and very grabby.

DenholmElliot1 · 14/08/2022 13:06

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/08/2022 13:04

Charity goat for Africa for all future gifts ... 😈😁

😂Or even better, one of those charity toilets lol.

FunkedUp · 14/08/2022 13:09

'Oh I'm SO sorry about not helping you with the house as you might take it back for a refund'...

badgerstink · 14/08/2022 13:11

With regards the house I'd still offer to help if you're able to but insist that your son's interests are protected and she has no claim on whatever amount you gift them. She can't have it both ways

LaurieFairyCake · 14/08/2022 13:13

She's very obviously jealous you have more money than her

Yesthatismychildsigh · 14/08/2022 13:18

What a rude woman! Yes, I would mention it to your son, especially as it’s been more than once. Also, DO NOT help with any large purchases, let alone a house. Given her entitled attitude, when (yes, when) they break up guess who will be waltzing off with the bulk of your money. And tell your son you’re no longer helping due to the fact that she’s not only rude, but extremely rude and unpleasant to you.

Clymene · 14/08/2022 13:26

Gift vouchers and give them to her saying 'thought these would be better as my previous gifts have landed badly'

And do not give any money to your son to buy a house unless it's absolutely ringfenced. Get legal advice. And don't give them cash for furniture etc either.

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