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Original poster

Unwanted gifts

63 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 12:31

4 times now my DSs partner has returned gifts I have lovingly chosen for her. Some of them quite expensive. She's just returned her birthday gift and acted as if I'd given her a gift wrapped turd.
What would you think if someone did this to you I am trying not to over react but I feel really upset. Most people would just say thanks then regift it or sell it on ebay if they didn't like the gift. The one she returned was something she showed me in a shop and said she loved.
I met up with them recently to discuss helping them buy a house which they were very excited about but there have been a lot of snide comments and rudeness from. Her in the past and I'm not sure I want to go ahead now.
I stay completely out of their lives I am not an interfering MIL. I have my own life.
I dont know what to do. I want to help my son but not this rude madam.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/08/2022 13:27

She's very rude and rather strange
If you do help financially ensure your DS ringfences any contribution
He might wake up to who she really is.
If you must buy her a gift, ask your DS what she would like, and if she still comments, make sure DS is aware of her obvious dislike of you
It's very hurtful of her, but you must speak up
You're very kind and she's a bitch

Georgeskitchen · 14/08/2022 13:34

I feel for your son. Lots of red flags here. If this is an example of her behaviour towards you, I would bet a weeks wage she behaves like this towards others too.
I hope your son realises what hes signing up for
Oh and regarding gifts, she'd be getting no more out of me!!
She sounds horribly unpleasant and entitled

Remainiac · 14/08/2022 13:36

She wants money as a gift, not an item or a voucher. As pp have said, ring fence the money you give them for their deposit- it’s not difficult to do that, but be prepared that she won’t accept that without a fight.

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General shopping
JustSortYoursefOut · 14/08/2022 13:37

Simply don't bother to buy her anything any more. She sounds ungrateful.

Pansypotter123 · 14/08/2022 13:41

Is she just after the money? Can I ask, how much are you spending on the gifts she's returning?

coodawoodashooda · 14/08/2022 13:46

DenholmElliot1 · 14/08/2022 13:00

And I wouldn't be giving money to help such a rude person buy a house either.

Neither would I.

Original poster
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 14:15

I'm sick and tired of helping people who throw it back in my face. I'd have loved a leg up when I was younger. I had to work hard for every single thing I have and I'm still working full time in my 60's. I'm not married.
As you can tell I've got the proper hump. I'll get over it but I think buying the house is on hold. Neither of them get out of bed until 2pm and they are in their 40's. They do work part time. I'm done with this. I have 7 years to save for my retirement and I'm just going to concentrate on that.
There have been a lot of red flags and they both need to grow up.

OP posts:
kikiterrific · 14/08/2022 14:20

You are going to help two adults in their 40s buy a house because they don't have enough money? Presumably they work part-time out of their own choosing?

I'd work part-time too if I knew someone else was going to give me handouts.

Keep your hard-earned money for yourself. You cannot buy their love, they will just take advantage of you. Your son sounds just as bad as his girlfriend, they deserve each other.

Pansypotter123 · 14/08/2022 14:26

Do they live with you?

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 14:29

They're in their 40s?! I thought they were in their 20s!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/08/2022 14:36

Neither of them get out of bed until 2pm and they are in their 40's. They do work part time. I'm done with this. I have 7 years to save for my retirement and I'm just going to concentrate on that.

What the....?! Get that money in your pension double-quick so you can't help them with any house buying

FunkedUp · 14/08/2022 14:46

In their 40's?

Oh Christ no no no no no no!

Withdraw all offers of financial help asap
Don't buy her any more gifts

And if they question it? You've decided that saving for your retirement and putting yourself first is more important!

sugarspiceplumfairy · 14/08/2022 14:48

Good drip feed!

Thefruitbatdancer · 14/08/2022 14:51

I'd be mortified if I found out my dd behaved like this after given a gift. Such a bad mannered brat of a woman, she should be ashamed of herself for being a grabby cow.

toffeechai · 14/08/2022 14:55

I think it’s fine to return and exchange something if you don’t like it and am baffled by people insisting you must only eBay or regift it.

However there are ways of handling this! And she has been rude.

toffeechai · 14/08/2022 14:56

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2022 14:15

I'm sick and tired of helping people who throw it back in my face. I'd have loved a leg up when I was younger. I had to work hard for every single thing I have and I'm still working full time in my 60's. I'm not married.
As you can tell I've got the proper hump. I'll get over it but I think buying the house is on hold. Neither of them get out of bed until 2pm and they are in their 40's. They do work part time. I'm done with this. I have 7 years to save for my retirement and I'm just going to concentrate on that.
There have been a lot of red flags and they both need to grow up.

So it’s not really about the gifts is it?

Maireas · 14/08/2022 14:57

DenholmElliot1 · 14/08/2022 13:00

And I wouldn't be giving money to help such a rude person buy a house either.

Nor me.

Maireas · 14/08/2022 14:58

FunkedUp · 14/08/2022 13:09

'Oh I'm SO sorry about not helping you with the house as you might take it back for a refund'...

Love it! 😂

Maireas · 14/08/2022 15:01

I can't abide that kind of rudeness. Before anyone comes on to excuse her for being ASD or ND or whatever - you can learn to be polite.
Don't give them anything. Save for your retirement, you don't know what lies ahead with inflation etc.
Lazy articles.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/08/2022 15:11

40's? I'm horrified
I recognise your name and I think they live with you?
Seriously Put yourself first, tell them they need to grow up and get their own lives... then give them notice to leave, you'll give yourself the best retirement gift ever

Spacerader · 14/08/2022 15:12

Going against the grain a bit here, and your drip feed of information also changes things a little.

I don't necessarily think she is being rude return gifts, this could be what is normal for her and her family. Also could they be returning the gifts together as they need the money.

It also sounds as like you and your sons dp have different personalities and ideals. It could even be that she is not meaning to be rude but that is how you interpret it.

Also you say they are in thier 40s and work part time and sleep all day? Why are you even helping them buy a house, they need to work full time if they can and save themselves. Also why do they sleep late, do they work shifts? Or is it thier lifestyle (drugs? Drink? Gaming?)

Honestly, you have painted her out as a monster and it seems that your son and her similar people and both need to sort thier life out.

Kite22 · 14/08/2022 15:14

Wow.
2 completely separate issues.

I would just not buy her anything from now on. If asked why, I would repeat what you have told us - that she was rude and returned what you had bought after she told you she like it in the shop. That she was rude and returned other gifts. That she even complained when you got vouchers so she could choose her own gift.

This drip feed Neither of them get out of bed until 2pm and they are in their 40's. They do work part time. makes a huge difference to the response you get about the house too.
I (and I presume most) presumed you were talking about a ds in his 20s starting out.

The fact they both only work part time suggests they aren't that bothered about a house. Why would you use your savings to prop up their relaxed lifestyle ? Confused

Fairyliz · 14/08/2022 15:21

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 14:29

They're in their 40s?! I thought they were in their 20s!

Me too!

Georgeskitchen · 14/08/2022 15:43

Another one shocked at the information that they are in their 40s and work part time . Holy shit is the only polite phrase I can think of!!

Christ on a bike with stabilisers!!

Almostlegible · 14/08/2022 16:16

I met up with them recently to discuss helping them buy a house

Was this meeting at their instigation or yours?
You're only in your sixties and we have no idea how the cost of living crisis is going to turn out. You might be in need yourself in the future.
Do you think the financial help will be reciprocated if you need it?
The best thing you can give them at the moment is some advice - to get full time jobs and start planning for their own future.

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