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Original poster

Grandparents

68 replies

Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 19:15

I need advice. I got on really well with my daughter-in-law until she had my first grandchild, he is 2 years and 4 months and we have only looked after him for 2 hours in all that time, for some reason she does not like us to have access to him (usually only once every fortnight) he loves playing at our house and it isn’t because we spoil him with sweets or don’t look after him. She has had another baby and it hurts me so much not seeing the little boy that I feel I cannot get close to the baby. I am very careful what I say to her (never offer advice as things have changed since I had my son). I am very practical so have offered help cleaning, washing etc many times but she has never taken me up on it. I just want to be a proper grandma, to spend time with my grandson, have mentioned it to my son but he just says not to upset his wife. I was a single mum and gave up so much to bring him up but they now spend a lot of time with his father who didn’t have anything to do with him from when he was 10. That hurts. Speaking to friends so many have like this, is it in a daughter-in-law thing. Need advise, how do I improve the situation.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 10/08/2022 19:18

You need to take a big step back, these are not your children and you have no right to dictate who looks after them.

You see them every two weeks, you are not deprived of contact. No one had any of my children at that age either and they all had good bonds with their grandparents.

findingsomeone · 10/08/2022 19:24

My in laws have seen my DD about five times in her life. She is also 2. She's never been to their house. We don't have a bad relationship but I don't enjoy spending time with them and they weren't great parents to DH so I don't go out of my way to spend time with them, and DH doesn't particularly want to spend time with them. DD doesn't even now who they are.

I think seeing GC every two weeks is pretty good to be honest! I get on well with my DM who lives 15 mins away and she doesn't see us that often either.

FadedRed · 10/08/2022 19:27

With all due respect Op, your son and daughter-in-law did not have children to give you something to do. Nor are they responsible for your relationship with your son’s father.
You see your GC’s every 2 weeks, I saw mine once a year as they lived on a different country. They were still ‘proper grand parents’.
Back off, be busy doing other things, be prepared to help out when asked if you want to but don’t be resentful if it isn’t needed. And withholding your affection from the new baby because you are not getting your own way with the first child is spiteful and will surely rebound on you.

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2 year olds Families
catandcoffee · 10/08/2022 19:27

That's so hurtful that they see so much of the dad who didn't give a shit... and you're pretty much ignored.

In all honesty I'd take a massive step back and make a life for yourself.

Your Son has chosen his side (dad who ignored him )

I can understand your hurt but you're powerless in this situation.

Holly60 · 10/08/2022 19:41

Is it spending more time with them as a family or specifically getting to look after your DGS that you want?

You say you are upset you haven't gotten to look after him but then you say they spend a lot of time with DS's DF. That doesn't necessarily mean he is looking after your DGS, just that they are together.

You are seeing them every fortnight- how often do they see DS's DF? What are they doing when they are together?

Did you used to socialise with them? If so, what changed once they had a baby?

Holly60 · 10/08/2022 19:42

What has changed in your relationship with your DIL?

How did you spend time with her pre-children? What has changed?

Teaandcakeordeath83 · 10/08/2022 19:57

I've got 3DC and would absolutely love either my DM or mil to take an interest in them/ take them out/ have them around to play- my grandparents were all amazing and I saw them a lot/did lots with them. Sadly DM/mil would rather take pictures of them and then pretend that they're excellent grandparents to their colleagues/friends.

Have you spoken to your Dil and offered help/ asked why you can't do something with the grandchildren etc? Or offered to book a trip out with them all? Maybe she's just not feeling ready to have the kids leave her care for any length of time.

Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:02

We went out, helped them move house twice, helped them financially, she said I was more a mum to her than her own .

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:04

Hope you think the same when you have grandchildren

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/08/2022 20:05

Does it definitely link back to when she had her first baby? Could she be suffering from PND?

Do her and your DS not leave your DGS at all? They don't spend any time together as a couple?

00100001 · 10/08/2022 20:06

What does your son say when you talk to him about this?

Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:06

It isn’t because I can’t get my own way, it is to safeguard my mental health which is not good at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:08

Thank you I think that is good advice, difficult but the right way forward

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/08/2022 20:08

Does your DIL not invite you over to spend time with her like you used to?

Would you be able to discuss it with her?

Jollygreen · 10/08/2022 20:09

catandcoffee · 10/08/2022 19:27

That's so hurtful that they see so much of the dad who didn't give a shit... and you're pretty much ignored.

In all honesty I'd take a massive step back and make a life for yourself.

Your Son has chosen his side (dad who ignored him )

I can understand your hurt but you're powerless in this situation.

She's not ignored, she sees her grandson once a fortnight! That's pretty normal I'd say.

I don't quite understand the issue op, do you think once a fortnight isn't enough? How often would you like?

It could well be that you're kept at arms length because you've put pressure on DIL for more than she's comfortable with. The more you push, the more uncomfortable she will likely be.

Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:10

Just puts his head in the sand

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 10/08/2022 20:13

That must be hard OP.... my sons ex partner is always asking if we want to see GD ....I think because she has a new baby with another partner she's glad of the break...we have GD once a week for tea...and then she also stays over with our DS once a week....its enough, even though I see my DDs 2 DC x 5 times a week.

Jollygreen · 10/08/2022 20:18

So your rather have no relationship at all with your grandchildren, than see them twice a month?

MolliciousIntent · 10/08/2022 20:20

This is batshit - my daughter has an excellent relationship with HR grandparents, she sees them once every few months and they've never had her solo. She's 3.

Holly60 · 10/08/2022 20:27

Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:10

Just puts his head in the sand

But this sounds a bit like you are perhaps making demands of him rather than asking him gently about the situation.

A response to 'I'm not happy and I want you to do something about it' might be to put one's head in the sand.

You wouldn't 'put your head in the sand to': 'is there anything I am doing or not doing that is making you or DDIL uncomfortable?'

Namechanger965 · 10/08/2022 20:36

he is 2 years and 4 months and we have only looked after him for 2 hours in all that time, for some reason she does not like us to have access to him (usually only once every fortnight)

Nobody babysat my first DD until I went into labour with my second, she was nearly 3. I’ve got 3DC and they are all very very rarely babysat, it’s just not needed as we tend to go out separately, rather than together. Not having your grandson alone isn’t stopping you from being a ‘proper grandmother’. Not all grandparents babysit.

We see my parents weekly as I arrange it but DHs every other week at most, as that’s what he arranges. Presumably the parents are trying to fit in visits with you, your sons father and her parents. So 3 visits at least (4 of her parents are separated). You can’t expect them to have at least 3 visits every week just to keep you happy. They have their own lives to lead as well. If they have to visit all grandparents each weekend when would they ever spend time alone.

And most importantly @Nicole55 if your son really wanted to ensure you got to spend more time with your grandson he would. Don’t palm this off onto your DIL to blame. Your son is responsible for his, and his child’s, contact with you. He could make it happen if he wanted to, he clearly doesn’t and is just happier letting his wife be the scapegoat.

Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:37

Hilly60
Have had that conversation, they said no. I have never been a possessive mum and do realise she is his wife, always try to tow the line, I am non-confrontational.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/08/2022 20:40

I'm sorry @Nicole55 it does sound very confusing if they aren't giving you honest answers to your questions.

What is your DIL's relationship like with her mum?

Holly60 · 10/08/2022 20:40

What are the visits like when you do see them? Are they pleasant and relaxed. What sort of things do you do together?

Original poster
Nicole55 · 10/08/2022 20:42

Namechanger965
you are quite right, it is my sons fault, he just does anything for a quiet life, he just goes along with whatever she arranges to keep the peace. His is also non-confrontational.

OP posts: