Grandparents

[Nicole55]

I need advice. I got on really well with my daughter-in-law until she had my first grandchild, he is 2 years and 4 months and we have only looked after him for 2 hours in all that time, for some reason she does not like us to have access to him (usually only once every fortnight) he loves playing at our house and it isn’t because we spoil him with sweets or don’t look after him. She has had another baby and it hurts me so much not seeing the little boy that I feel I cannot get close to the baby. I am very careful what I say to her (never offer advice as things have changed since I had my son). I am very practical so have offered help cleaning, washing etc many times but she has never taken me up on it. I just want to be a proper grandma, to spend time with my grandson, have mentioned it to my son but he just says not to upset his wife. I was a single mum and gave up so much to bring him up but they now spend a lot of time with his father who didn’t have anything to do with him from when he was 10. That hurts. Speaking to friends so many have like this, is it in a daughter-in-law thing. Need advise, how do I improve the situation.

Turns out I was a better DIL than I realised. I absolutely did treat my MIL equally to my mum when it came to grandparenting. Why should the paternal grandmother be lesser?

My MIL adored my kids and was an amazing grandma. And there was no difference between my kids and her own daughter's kids in that regard.

You see them once every two Weeks??? Rhats amazing! What more do you need or want?

@saraclara I’d never treat anyone equal to my mum tbh but that’s just me. I have no interest in ex dps mum having either of my kids by herself. I don’t trust here and she’s not entitled to just have my kids because she’s their grandparent. She’s done a few wishy washy things wirh my daughter but regardless I don’t like her so it’s my decision

Every couple of weeks seems reasonable. Are they working? Are you working? Do they live far? Having children is full on and tiring, parents can feel less inclined to be sociable and more happy in their own little family. I wouldn't assume it's personal, they also see your ds dad and presumably dils parents? So that seems about right for fortnightly visits. Who does their childcare? The best thing u could do is focus on dil and build your relationship back up with her.

So your partner is allowed no part in decisions about his child?

@saraclara he’s not my partner, he’s my ex and he could care less. His mum sees the kids maybe once a month on average, depends when she’s free.

My point is, I treat her very differently to my mum. I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask her to come round or let my kids stay their for the day/night. I don’t like her and I don’t trust her so why would I just give her my kids lol it doesn’t make sense. Everyone has a different relationship to their MIL/kids grandparent, you sound like you have a great one and that’s good for you. Not everyone does and not everyone cares.

The kids will know who she is at they get older but their relationship with her will be nothing like their relationship to my mum. It’s just life

Also bold of you to assume that said ‘partner’ cares about his kids seeing his mum. Like I said, some people just don’t care

I don't think you realise until you're a MIL yourself how much power a DIL holds. I know I could have been a lot kinder and a lot less judgemental to my own.

I have learnt lessons and try to be a good MIL but it's like walking on egg shells. Not because my DIL is horrible (she's lovely) but it feels so fragile and so important to get right.

OP I do feel for you. @saraclara is giving good advice.

Presumably the parents are trying to fit in visits with you, your sons father and her parents. So 3 visits at least (4 of her parents are separated). You can’t expect them to have at least 3 visits every week just to keep you happy. They have their own lives to lead as well. If they have to visit all grandparents each weekend when would they ever spend time alone.

This is a fair point, too.

I presume that DIL is going to be a sahm for at least a while, given the new baby. So this could be a time to build the relationship, not back away from it. She might even appreciate you taking the toddler out to give her some alone time with the baby, or to nap.

Couch things in a helpful rather than needy way. 'If you'd like a little break I could take (child) to the park or the library for a little while' etc.

I feel sorry for you OP. Grannies are (or should be) special. Mine was a huge part of my early years and her house was an extension of mine. your feelings are valid.
But this is MN where MIL are evil and the DIL behaviour will always be defended sadly.

You sound very angry at the situation which if it has become acrimonious I can understand.

Unfortunately I think although you may be able to control your DC's relationships when they are young, you won't be able to control them as they get older. You may find that despite the fact that she isn't YOUR mum, your DC may well get on and click better with their paternal grandmother. To them, both grannys are equally related to them and if genetics mean they are like her in personality, then that will be that.

My DD is JUST like her paternal grandmother in personality and interests - it's scary! (Luckily I love my MIL!)

Do you only have DD's? It sounds like you are pretty complacent about that maternal grandmother/grandchild relationship. I know many women who PREFER their mothers in law and find that relationship less fraught and loaded.

I wouldn't ASSUME that the maternal granny will always be favoured - you might end up being disappointed and that would be horrible.

@Holly60 who’s angry?😂 I just don’t like the woman it’s as simple as.

No one spoke about controlling anyone when they’re older. If the kids chose to be closer to her as opposed to my mum then it really isn’t the end of the world. I was answering OPs question and giving a bit of insight as to why a lot of women aren’t too keen on having MIL/dad’s mum looking after their baby as often as MIL would like

I am very practical so have offered help cleaning, washing etc many times but she has never taken me up on it.

@Nicole55 My mil always offered help cleaning. The insinuation was my house wasn't clean enough. (I know this because after a while she offered to appoint a cleaner for me if I was too busy to arrange it myself).

My point is that instead of offering to clean REPEATEDLY is that maybe you could ask Dil how she is instead of offering something that could easily be a criticism. Probably this is why they come to you. I would take mine to mil's so she could not offer make comments about cleaning my house.

Ahh ok my apologies it's just your tone then. As I said - I don't actually think it is many women really. No one I know in real life has a bad relationship with their MIL. They obviously have a different relationship with their mum but they are friendly with and trust their MILs.

As I asked - do you only have girls? It doesn't take a lot of empathy to understand that paternal grandmothers love their grandchildren just as much as maternal ones.

If your own MIL is really not a nice woman that is really unfortunate but it's not necessarily the norm.

It may not be many woman but it could be the woman in this situation hence why I gave a few examples of why I don’t necessarily like ex MIL having my kids.

I have a daughter and a son. Absolutely no need for me to have any empathy for the woman. I don’t doubt that she loves the kids but she isn’t a nice person. Anyway this isn’t my thread so I don’t want to derail anymore, just wanted to show it from my perspective for the OP

Fair enough but I think that was my point- it's not that she is their paternal granny-it's that she isn't a nice woman.

You have to use your judgement when it comes to when it comes to your kids so I'm sure yours is right.

Hopefully we can all be good MILs when the time comes

I'm a bit baffled by the support you're getting on this thread. You see them every fortnight, which is a lot by most people's standards.

Of course it will be less casual with timing than before they had kids. And 2 years old seems very young to be expect to have sole charge, especially when you say you have poor mental health (depending on how that affects you, of course).

I don't think assigning blame will either help nor change this situation, if anything it will make it worse.

Life changes, they popped in a lot before they had two children because their lifestyle will have been significantly different. 2 young children is a lot and whilst you may view them coming to you as a break for them or the babies, to them it is more likely to be the opposite.

I don't think that means anyone has taken a disliking to you OP or that there is some conspiracy. By all means ask your son if there are any reasons they visit less or if there is any support you can offer but unless it's done with no agenda or resentment then I can't see it yielding a positive outcome. Things may well change as time goes on organically.

I'd your DS wants to see his dad it is for him to form an opinion on his dad as a person now and isn't to do with this, nor is his sensible and very normal decision to try to live an argument free life with his wife who he presumably respects and loves. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that she doesn't.