Grandparents

[Nicole55]

I need advice. I got on really well with my daughter-in-law until she had my first grandchild, he is 2 years and 4 months and we have only looked after him for 2 hours in all that time, for some reason she does not like us to have access to him (usually only once every fortnight) he loves playing at our house and it isn’t because we spoil him with sweets or don’t look after him. She has had another baby and it hurts me so much not seeing the little boy that I feel I cannot get close to the baby. I am very careful what I say to her (never offer advice as things have changed since I had my son). I am very practical so have offered help cleaning, washing etc many times but she has never taken me up on it. I just want to be a proper grandma, to spend time with my grandson, have mentioned it to my son but he just says not to upset his wife. I was a single mum and gave up so much to bring him up but they now spend a lot of time with his father who didn’t have anything to do with him from when he was 10. That hurts. Speaking to friends so many have like this, is it in a daughter-in-law thing. Need advise, how do I improve the situation.

did I understand you? You want more time with your GC to safeguard your mental health?

we didn’t want our children staying with anyone until they were much older. Both sets of grandparents lived a great distance and they saw them probably three times a year. Once every two weeks at your place with mum seems fine at their ages?

Holly60
It is fine when they come, my husband makes them a drink and they help themselves to cake/scones etc as they have always done and my grandson takes either mine or my husbands hand to play in the garden. I don’t offer the grandson cake etc, he is too busy playing.

Godmum56
No you have got it wrong as usual, please practice reading

Do you never get invited to theirs?

What people seem to be missing is that OP and DIL got on really well prior to the birth. And that DIL said that OP was more of a mother to her than her own. So it's understandable that OP is a bit freaked out by the change in the relationship.

OP, instead of trying to get your son to arrange more access, or babysitting, just try and find out from him what's gone wrong with the relationship? There could have been some misunderstanding that you don't know about, for instance.

Now that there's a new baby is probably not a great time. But maybe instead of focusing on the GCs, focus on your DIL and invite her out for a coffee or something? Show an interest in her and not the GCs for a change.

You see them every other week. That’s loads. Do you think they should see you more or are you annoyed you don’t get to babysit? Do they have anyone else babysit? Maybe they like spending time with their children and don’t want to leave them with anyone else.

Holly60
Not often, my son says they only come over for a rest.

That sounds pretty normal tbh.
think about it- they have you, your ex that they want a relationship with and your dil
parents to maintain a relationship with. Plus a home life and a routine to maintain for kids and presumably work for ds and deal with tiredness that inevitably comes from having a baby

I would suggest they don’t have the spare time to see you more often due to all the commitments.

Very kindly -back off- accept that’s a decent amount of contact and let go of whatever preconceptions you have and focus on your own mental health and develop your own interests and social life. You’ll find you still have a good relationship with dgc

Sorry OP but I don't see much of an issue here. They come to you once a fortnight, have some drinks and some cake, that sounds find to me. Maybe you're annoying and don't realise it? Do you smoke? Have a pet? We all have our ways. Speak to your son and find out if there's a reason they don't see you more, ask him to be honest. But personally I think once a fortnight is fine.

So has the relationship with your DIL changed? Is she less forthcoming?

Did you used to do things together that you no longer do?

Did you used to go over to theirs but not now?

What exactly are you expecting?
did you want the gc to sleep over or have them for the night/ weekend? I don’t get from your post what you want exactly
I think seeing gc twice a month is good
most of my friends see gp around four times a year! We see mil once a month
i know my mil would like to be very much more involved but I don’t need childcare
I’m happy to have her visit and spent time/ make memories and she’s invited to all major events- parties etc

perhaps your ds and dil don’t need childcare or think the dc are too young
they don’t sound like they are excluding you
and perhaps they now have a good relationship with his dad
how often do they see his dad?

saraclara
Good idea, when they came over when she was pregnant I always made sure she was comfortable, could rest and have a cool drink and something she likes to eat. Will have a think about it and perhaps go for lunch when my son is at home. Thank you

Maybe your son is happy with a fortnightly visit.

You haven't said how often you think you should be seeing them.

Jollygreen
I liked it before children when they just popped in when they are close by, have never needed my son to make an appointment, he would just come in and see what was in the fridge. Don’t know why it changed

Totally understand OP. Doesn't sound normal to me.

My childrens grandparents see them as often as they want, I'm grateful they have grandparents that love them. I'd never deprive my children of family that want to spend time with them.

Maybe try to start slowly and build up? Invite them over for Sunday lunch and see how it goes?

I assume that your first grandson was a covid baby. Did lockdown play a part?

Does your son ever come over with his son without the mum? It sounds all a bit formal to me.

Also what role would you like? The do come and see you. Do you have to look after him by yourself? A two year old isstill fairly little

What happens when you invite them over in between the fortnightly visits?

I was married twenty years before I had dd, and adored my mil. Then dd came along and I could have ran away. We ended up having a huge row in the middle of a country road near us. Never spoke for weeks.

Then she conceded that being pregnant and a toddler in or during a pandemic was not something she, or anyone she knew had been through.

She changed from let me look after them, to let me help you. She accepted that just because sil or next door neighbours five years ago left the kids, doesn't mean I will.

I in turn relaxed and cuppas and chats return. It's the understanding I'm not looking for and don't want you to take them away, but I do want you to love them and know them. She helped me sort their bedroom, kept them busy, pops in for a drink, asks how I am. Two years in I still don't like leaving them but she had them for a hospital appointment Monday and said she was going for a lie down!

I adore her, she has listened to me, don't take them, enjoy them. She's not a childcare service, she's their granny, what sil does or neighbours is up to them. I want my babies and family with me.

So your grandson was born right at the start of the pandemic?

That may have had something to do with your shift in relationship as they couldn't see you for a long time and post pandemic our culture seems to have shifted a bit in terms of people just "popping in', it just doesn't seem to happen as much now.

Also, most pandemic babies I know just aren't 'babysat' as much as babies were before. People don't go out as much and with another baby as well now there probably is even less need for outside child care.

All this considered, you see them every fortnight which is a fair whack already, how much do you expect? 'Alone time' with grandkids tends to come later unless there is a childcare need - could you be expecting too much?

I have two kids, a 3 month old and 15 month old with recent ex dp.

What I find, is his mum ALWAYS has something to say. I also think it doesn’t matter how good your relationship is, it’s always going to be different with a MIL as opposed to your own mum. For example, I could say to my mum, ‘oh mum don’t give that to the kids or don’t do this pls’ and my mum will be like ‘okay cool.’ Do the exact same with MIL in the exact same tone then they’re stropping off to their son saying ‘Pedropony said xyz’ and it becomes a thing.

Also the constant, ‘let me know when I can have them.’ ‘If you need anyone to look after them then I can’ etc becomes so tiring. Not everyone wants to leave their kids with someone whether you’re the grandparent or not. The fact that you get to see them every two weeks is really good tbh. Not sure how often you’d like but my exes kids sees my kids about once a month. I just can’t take being around her, she does my head in.

Even tho you both have a good relationship before she had kids, maybe now she finds you annoying? Maybe she just prefers it her, DH and the kids most of the time. None of us know but I think you need to try and be happy with the situation

Also to be a proper grandparent doesn’t mean you need to have the kids alone for more than 2hrs. Being in their lives and seeing them twice a month seems more than enough. You could offer to have your grandson for half a day but if she doesn’t take you up on your offer then there’s nothing wrong with that.

My mum has my 15 month old stay over three times a week. I wouldn’t even let my daughter stay at her other grandma’s once a week because I genuinely don’t like her enough and don’t trust her. Some may argue it’s not fair but unfortunately it is what it is

Yet again your blaming your DIL.

how do you know it isn’t your son arranging or agreeing things? It wont be your DIL arranging to see his father it’ll be YOUR son.

perhaps try and spend time with her firstly instead of your grandchild? Offer her a day out with you and see what happens.

I had a good relationship with MIL prior to dd(7 month) birth. However since dd has been born I really dislike how needy and possessive she can be with dd and I hate the thought of her coming round. When she comes over it's like I have to give up my dd for that entire time so she can do everything. Posed pictures need to be taken of the two of them which are later shared all over social media and it all seems a farce.

You might think you are doing everything right but it might just be a case of being a bit over bearing

Sorry for all the separate posts but in my experience I think the problem lies where grandparents think they’re going to be like second parents.

Once the baby comes and they realise it’s not like how they thought it’d be in their head, that’s when issues arise. Maybe you thought you’d have DS alone once a week or maybe he’d stay over here and there but it hasn’t turned out that way. I also think when it’s your son that has a child, it’ll never be how it is if your daughter has a child. Even though you can still be close with your grandkids, the relationships will always be different.

I never message ex dps mum to come and see the kids even when we were together. It doesn’t make sense as she isn’t my mum. Sort it out with your son as he’s your child and not her. As others have said, maybe your son is happy with the set up anyway